dear god: please put mary j. on crack again.

please wait until i’ve spoken my piece before u judge me. thanks.

so mary j blige used to be one of my favorite singers ever when i was younger. i can remember sittin in the middle of my floor as a wee babe writing a letter to mary as if mary would open and read it. i put a picture of myself in it and everything. i was sending it to her fan club’s address. the letter came back, btw. welcome to my most painful moment of rejection ever. well, second to my dad runnin out on me and all. how come my father dont want me, man?! (c) will smith.. yall member that episode?? child abandonment is entertaining! anyway. big fan of mary j. she did two of my favorite albums of all time–‘what’s the 411’ (i bought the remix album. how come they dont do remix albums no more?) and ‘my life.’ like… man, i can remember sittin in ms. bonee’s 7th grade whatever class.. i think she taught some sort of science, and i would sit in that class and write the lyrics to my favorite songs in poem form cause the teacher was dense and no one ever listened to her. one afternoon some jackhole of a boy snatched my paper as i was writin the lyrics to ‘my life’ and took it to the teacher. she read it and then she looked at me with a squinted, hopeful eye as a paperwad flew past her head and asked, gingerly:

‘did you write this?’

and i cld tell that she thought she had discovered the next great poet of our time. but i said no, and a second wad of paper smacked her in the side of the head, and so ends that tender moment.

the point im takin so long to make is that 90s mary j blige was *awesome.* im talkin biggie smalls hook sangin, k-ci from jodeci lovin, bubble coat wearin, grand puba co-rhymin mary. like i mean, im glad that she’s happy. really. im just gettin tired of hearin about it. it’s what i call the india(dot)aire effect. india has an awesome voice (mary, not so much though, id argue), and the stuff she sang about on her first album was really, really important. and it wasnt less important on the second album.. it was just like an unneccessary exclamation point to the first. and by the third it was just fucking annoying. OKAY. WE GET IT. YOU’RE NOT YOUR HAIR AND YOU LOVE YOURSELF. STFU. i see mary travelling the saaaaaaaaaaaaame worn path.

now u may be askin urself, ‘self, how come it doesnt get annoying when folk only sing about pain and trials and hardships?’ because, man, that’s the stuff that makes *good* music. great pain breeds great art. ain’t that how the sayin goes? is that even a saying at all? if not, it is now, cite me when u use it. but really. more people know drama better than sublime, uninterrupted happiness, i think. plus happy people are just grating after awhile, no? i dunno. maybe its just me.

this whole train of thought was brought to you by the letters L, Q, the number pi, and David Gregory’s superbowl shuffle (i swagger jacked this from

now i think it’s awesome that gregory likes mary j blige. but how completely and utterly dope would it be if he liked mary j blige featuring craig mack?? uber awesome.

but really, im happy mary got her life back together. i still say one last album production-long relapse wouldn’t hurt nobody.

8 responses to “dear god: please put mary j. on crack again.

  1. fascinatingsista

    BLASPHEMY!!!! LOL!!!

  2. highspeeddubbing

    ha. good post.

  3. since she’s not on crack anymore…she switched to steroids

    Now we get to listen for reports of Mary J.’s Roid Rage! WOO HOO!

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