american idol, philly auditions.

somethin u shld know if u’re gonna check this blog frequently.  or even occasionally.  i looove trashy reality tv.  just love it.  its my guilty pleasure.  and this season looks like it’s gonna be the guiltiest yet cause there’s just so much good (read:  deplorable) trash tv on this season, between flavor of love 3, rock of love 2, vh1’s celebrity rehab (i hope i’m too classy to watch something that exploitive, but the jury’s still out as of yet), making the band 4 season 2, which i just saw the preview for yesterday, and now, american idol, which started last night.

 i admit, a lot of the fascination with this show has faded.  i mean it’s been on the air for 15 years already.  still, i was excited to see it, mainly because the first round of auditions were held right here in philadelphia.  i just KNEW i’d see 12 musliminas with cell phones tucked in their veils, 25 dudes in capris, and like a grillion freeway beards, but surprisingly, there wasnt *too* much typical phillyness on the stage.  they prolly just didn’t show all that. 

there were plenty hot messes, of course.  especially this guy. 

it was awesome to see paula being an asshole for once.  laughed all up IN this dude’s face.  and speaking of assholes, my favorite moment of the night:  some crappy guy or girl or whoever it was got up to sing and it was crappy.  simon says ‘i think we should throw this one to paula.’  paula starts on her ‘oh you have such an amazing spirit and blah blah blah im crazy’ talk but simon like, mollywops her into tellin the girl she couldnt sing.  then when the girl/guy leaves all sullen and dejected, simon turns to paula and says, ‘you broke that girl’s heart.  ruined her life.’ or somethin to that effect.  hilarious.

anyway, let’s move on to the important stuff:  you know that at least once per city the producers of american idol like to secure your seat in hell by showin somebody with like a really, really sad life that you shouldnt laugh at… but u just can’t help it because the rest of them is just so deliciously absurd on 3 or more levels?  meet temptress brown.  this is temptress.

temp
she’s happy!

temptress is a 16 yr old football player.  i dont know which school, but she just HAS to be from philly.  has to.  temptress.  first thing that popped into my head:  do her parents know what the word ‘temptress’ means??  temptress is not a name u give your kid from  birth.  no one wants an 8 year old temptress, literally or otherwise.  that’s like… a penname for ‘urban fiction’ writers.  anyway, speaking of her parents.. here’s her mom.

 do u see why you’re goin to hell now?  yeah.

so temptress announces she will sing ‘im not goin nowhere’ by jennifer hudson (known to most of us as ‘and i am telling you’ by jennifer holiday).  and she sings, and…. its not so good.  its bad enough to laugh at.  and then u immediately feel bad for laughing because you then see this:

what you see right before she murders your brains out.

and then you feel even worse because she starts to say she can’t go out to face her family because she failed.. and then everybody walks out there with her and you feel even shittier because you’re reminded of her mom’s condition. 

so she leaves, her dad gives her a big hug, and that’s that.  pack a bag.  the 3:10 to Hades is running early this week.  oh and speakin of her dad…

oh shit, is that ?uestlove? oh shit! 

*all pics and video or whatever appears courtesy of fox or whatever else im posed to say to keep from gettin in trouble.  i didnt take these pics!

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10 responses to “american idol, philly auditions.

  1. The pics didn’t show up.

    and yes, I only, ONLY, watch the auditions of American Idol, after that I don’t care who wins…I just need a good laugh in my life.

  2. lol yeah, i know, i was still puttin em up. fixed now!

  3. jesus fucking christ. i thought James was retarded, so i didn’t laugh. then he started talking, and he didn’t seem mentally handicapped, so i just felt bad.

    poor Temptress. 😦

  4. Okay you are too funny! You had me at Brokey… Keep it up lovebug! I’ll definitely be back to check you out…

  5. G.D. I thought he was retarded too! When he said Paul Robeson (R.A.N.D.O.M.) I expected him to really be able to sing. I mean….if you are a kid and talk about Paul Robeson, you must have a voice, right??

    Temptress…I’m going to leave it alone.

  6. yeah, there’s no reason for u to sound like you’re deaf when u can clearly hear just fine. poor kid. i’ma give him the benefit & blame that MASSIVE underbite he has. yikes.

  7. She look like: T_T

    I’m gonna refrain from hating any further, cause she look mean and big as shit and Philly is smaller than one would think.

    ZOIKS!

  8. You just know that, before they went to the auditions, Temptress was tellin her mom “When I get through, and when I win, I’mma take care of you mama. We’re gonna get you that (insert whatever medical procedure mama needs here) done and you gonna be ok again.”

    Someone needs to start a charity for her. I feel bad…I’m glad I didn’t see it and laugh or my room in Hell would be reserved for me already.

  9. I have to say I was truly entertained by the man that actually went out and waxed himself to get them to listen and…. they still did not listen! I all I need is to be enetertained and if that is what does it. By all menas, bring it on!

  10. I was happy Temptress made the best out of her audition. She is going really make something of herself from that lil (BIG) cry she had at “American Idiol”. She is moving in the right direction, she was blessed by being misfortunate. GO PAUL ROBESON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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