the world was recently shocked by the introduction of Steve Harvey’s scalp to the general atmosphere, and to the bulbs of Jet magazine (source: mediatakeout.com). we’ve heard what Harvey’s publicist had him say, but i wanted the real story, so i went straight to the source: Steve Harvey’s mustache. what i found was shocking… deceit, terrorist accusations, plans for world domination. learn the truth here. it’ll set you free. at least that’s what my granny always says.
we met in a room at a hotel named the Velvet Rose. he wore an orange silk robe, green ascot, and reading glasses. a thick cigar dangled heavily from his… whatever is under there. he sat slumping in a red velour armchair; i sat across from him, being sure to keep my legs crossed and thighs tightly squeezed.
Brokey McPoverty: thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me today.. i really appreciate it, Steve Harvey’s Mustache.
Steve Harvey’s Mustache: ‘House of Payne’ come on in 15 minutes. talk quicker.
Brokey McPoverty: …right. so, Steve Harvey’s Mustache, let’s start with–
Steve Harvey’s Mustache: call me Leon.
Brokey McPoverty: …Leon?
Steve Harvey’s Mustache: LEON. how you gon just call me ‘steve harvey’s mustache?’ that bastard don’t own me!
Brokey McPoverty: o..kay… Leon, why don’t you tell me a little bit about this new development. Steve has been known for his trademark, horribly out of season flattop. why the switch? why the dramatic change?
Steve Harvey’s M–i mean, Leon: fuck whatever you heard. i ate that shit.
BMP: you ate what?
L: that napped up shag carpet on his head! i ate it!
BMP: are you telling me that you ate steve harvey’s hair?
L: I ATE THAT SHIT.
BMP: ..why? and isn’t that cannibalism, sort of?
L: first off, no. i am 100% human hair. that shit was a 70s floor covering. second, i ate it because fuck that nigga man! i caught him whisperin to his broad all laid up in the bed–whisperin, like i couldn’t hear him, talkin bout he need a change and was gon shave me off his face. shave me? ?! how you gon get ridda me? i MADE that dude, man! you see my fine, fine attire? who you think introduced him to gators and purple plaid suits? and he just gon take ME off the payroll? hell naw. so i ate his hair. damn straight i ate that shit.
BMP: i don’t quite understand. what would eating his hair achieve?
L: you know how dumb and foreign his ass would look with no box AND no mustache? wouldn’t nobody believe it was him at all. his career would be over if he lost us both, now he GOTTA keep me around. that’s how i see it. tell you what, if he likes food, if he like havin a place to live, he aint never gon get ridda me.
BMP: i see.
L: plus man… that cat is foul, man. he had it comin for a long time, you ask me.
BMP: how so?
L: man.. alright, so i’m datin this chick, right. somethin had happened, some other chick come up pregnant, talkin bout its mines. and damn that, okay, cause that’s impossible, i put on a shower cap, so i was WELL protected, you know what i’m sayin? plus, i’m there in the delivery room or whatever, the little one gets born and it’s blonde. blonde! how my black ass gon give somebody a blonde yaki kid? she ain’t gettin a dime from me, i’ma tell you what.
BMP: and.. steve had something to do with this?
L: shut up! so anyway, my main chick, she ain’t know nothin, right… steve gon send her a card talkin bout ‘congrats on the new sew-in.’ he dimed me out, man. since then i been like ‘fuck steve harvey!’
BMP: i see. that’s some heavy stuff. so what’s next for you, Leon? where do you go from here?
L: well directly, i’ma go get some pork rinds and watch my show. a little later on in the future, i got some more scores to settle. The Whispers are next. all of em.
BMP: the whispers?
L: yeah man, fuck The Whispers too. see what they don’t tell you is i was Scotty Scott’s original mustache. i was there through all the fights over Blue Magic hair grease. then they just gon kick me out the group. that’s fine. i got somethin for them, too.
BMP: is that a physical threat?
L: them clowns is terrorists. i’ll be doin america a favor! quote me on that shit!
BMP: okay.. well–
L: naw, don’t quote me on that shit for real.
BMP: …okay. so, what’s next for Steve? what happens with the two of you now?
L: if i wasn’t a Christian, i’d grow myself real, real long, tie myself up in a braid and choke him out in his sleep. i ain’t gon do that though. i’ma just expose his side-job. expose it to the world.
BMP: which was…?
L: naw, i ain’t finna do it yet. but, let’s just say he’s buckets of fun for everyone. you follow me? that dude.. you can put him all together.. and take him all apart. heheheh. you see what i’m sayin?
BMP: wait… are you suggesting that Steve Harvey is really…
L: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.
here, he stood up, turned over the table that was sitting between us, and stormed out of the room.
wow. so there you have it, folks. the truth behind Steve Harvey’s transformation. you heard it here first. and he left us with a haunting accusation. could it be… ?