Monthly Archives: January 2008

def jam to nas: ‘nigga, please!’

so there’s rumors flurrying about that def jam is finna drop nas from the lable due to the title of his new album (entitled “Nigger”).  i jacked this from somebody who jacked it from  now, it’s mediatakeout, and they’re in the process of getting sued for misinformation, so.. have your grains of salt ready.  this is a quote from their insider:

“There is no way that we can put out an album with that title. Many retailers have already told us – flat out – that they won’t carry [an album with that title] … Nas’ last album [Hip Hop Is Dead] sold pretty well, but not well enough for the headache he’s causing [the label].”

to re-cap:  wanna say ‘nigger/nigga’ every other line in your multi-platinum hippety-hoppety rap song?  cool.  wanna put the word on the front of the album?  uncool. 

asked to comment, def jam remarked:  ‘don’t trust them new niggas over there.’ 

excuse me? who the hell is keston karter?



i bet even them wack ass tattoos taste like some goodness.

dear friends who knew about this man already & didn’t tell me:

you’re dead to me.  k thanx bye.

i wish my ass was a basketball.

here’s why.

bet he tastes like layups & banana puddin.  delicious.

 you better palm that ball, daddy. 

you.  palm.  that.  shit.

(more shots here.)

kanye reaches the black youth

who says kids don’t listen anymore?  they may not listen to you, or to their moms and dads, or their teachers, but bet your life that they’ll listen to their favorite rapper!  remember how kanye totally hated george bush on national television?  the babies heard it.  and they, too, agree.

she sooo just gave him the N!gga Please Award.

it dont even stop there.  hilary catches one too.  (i jacked these from okayplayer, btw)

i really hope their parents put them up to this.

and because things are always funnier with captions,

i dont really think hilary’s a bitch.  but this little girl clearly does so i put it there for her.

& bush, lolcat style:

i really do think he’s tryin to eat her soul, though.  so that’s there for me.

thank you, kanye.

back to crack: winehouse caught in the act

supposedly.  i mean its The Sun.  and that’s run by Brits.  you know how the Brits are.*

i dont even think there’s too much to say about this.  she a crackhead.  the sky’s blue.  that’s kinda just how things are in the atmosphere.

what i do want to draw your attention to, though, is the angriest wedding photo in the world:

‘RAR!  i hate photographs that capture blissful matrimonial moments!’

tell u what, though.  i hope she gets help, but i think more than that, i hope this writer’s strike ends soon so that SNL can harvest this fine, fine crop of untapped unintentional comedy that’s been sproutin up everydamnwhere. 

*i actually dont have a concrete prejudice here, believe it or not.  i ifgured you cld make up your own.

it’s amazing what gums will do for a guy.

he is an angry beaver no more.  curtis finally decided to start actin like he had some money and go see a dentist.  he looks pretty good! 

the bad news is that this oral upgrade is gonna mean a gangsta downgrade.  thugs dont go to the dentist.  they just keep their teeth jacked up & shoot anybody who makes fun of them. 

50’s new teeth (right); when asked to comment, 50’s old teeth (left) remarked that they were going to (quote) ‘ride on them wankstas’ (end quote).
**swagger jacked from young, black & fabulous.

an interview with steve harvey’s mustache.

the world was recently shocked by the introduction of Steve Harvey’s scalp to the general atmosphere, and to the bulbs of Jet magazine (source:  we’ve heard what Harvey’s publicist had him say, but i wanted the real story, so i went straight to the source:  Steve Harvey’s mustache.  what i found was shocking… deceit, terrorist accusations, plans for world domination.  learn the truth here.  it’ll set you free.  at least that’s what my granny always says.

we met in a room at a hotel named the Velvet Rose.  he wore an orange silk robe, green ascot, and reading glasses.  a thick cigar dangled heavily from his… whatever is under there.  he sat slumping in a red velour armchair; i sat across from him, being sure to keep my legs crossed and thighs tightly squeezed.

Brokey McPoverty:  thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me today.. i really appreciate it, Steve Harvey’s Mustache.

Steve Harvey’s Mustache:  ‘House of Payne’ come on in 15 minutes.  talk quicker.

Brokey McPoverty:  …right.  so, Steve Harvey’s Mustache, let’s start with–

Steve Harvey’s Mustache:  call me Leon.

Brokey McPoverty:  …Leon?

Steve Harvey’s Mustache:  LEON.  how you gon just call me ‘steve harvey’s mustache?’  that bastard don’t own me! 

Brokey McPoverty:  o..kay… Leon, why don’t you tell me a little bit about this new development.  Steve has been known for his trademark, horribly out of season flattop.  why the switch?  why the dramatic change?

Steve Harvey’s M–i mean, Leon:  fuck whatever you heard.  i ate that shit.

BMP:  you ate what?

L:  that napped up shag carpet on his head!  i ate it!

BMP:  are you telling me that you ate steve harvey’s hair?


BMP:  ..why?  and isn’t that cannibalism, sort of?

L:  first off, no.  i am 100% human hair.  that shit was a 70s floor covering.  second, i ate it because fuck that nigga man!  i caught him whisperin to his broad all laid up in the bed–whisperin, like i couldn’t hear him, talkin bout he need a change and was gon shave me off his face.  shave me?  ?!  how you gon get ridda me?  i MADE that dude, man!  you see my fine, fine attire?  who you think introduced him to gators and purple plaid suits?  and he just gon take ME off the payroll?  hell naw.  so i ate his hair.  damn straight i ate that shit.

BMP:  i don’t quite understand.  what would eating his hair achieve?

L:  you know how dumb and foreign his ass would look with no box AND no mustache?  wouldn’t nobody believe it was him at all.  his career would be over if he lost us both, now he GOTTA keep me around.  that’s how i see it.  tell you what, if he likes food, if he like havin a place to live, he aint never gon get ridda me.

BMP:  i see. 

L:  plus man… that cat is foul, man.  he had it comin for a long time, you ask me.

BMP:  how so?

L:  man.. alright, so i’m datin this chick, right.  somethin had happened, some other chick come up pregnant, talkin bout its mines.  and damn that, okay, cause that’s impossible, i put on a shower cap, so i was WELL protected, you know what i’m sayin?  plus, i’m there in the delivery room or whatever, the little one gets born and it’s blonde.  blonde!  how my black ass gon give somebody a blonde yaki kid?  she ain’t gettin a dime from me, i’ma tell you what.

BMP:  and.. steve had something to do with this?

L:  shut up!  so anyway, my main chick, she ain’t know nothin, right… steve gon send her a card talkin bout ‘congrats on the new sew-in.’  he dimed me out, man.  since then i been like ‘fuck steve harvey!’

BMP:  i see.  that’s some heavy stuff.  so what’s next for you, Leon?  where do you go from here?

L:  well directly, i’ma go get some pork rinds and watch my show.  a little later on in the future, i got some more scores to settle.  The Whispers are next.  all of em.

BMP:  the whispers?

L:  yeah man, fuck The Whispers too.  see what they don’t tell you is i was Scotty Scott’s original mustache.  i was there through all the fights over Blue Magic hair grease.  then they just gon kick me out the group.  that’s fine.  i got somethin for them, too. 

BMP:  is that a physical threat?

L:  them clowns is terrorists.  i’ll be doin america a favor!  quote me on that shit!

BMP:  okay.. well–

L:  naw, don’t quote me on that shit for real.

BMP:  …okay.  so, what’s next for Steve?  what happens with the two of you now?

L:  if i wasn’t a Christian, i’d grow myself real, real long, tie myself up in a braid and choke him out in his sleep.  i ain’t gon do that though.  i’ma just expose his side-job.  expose it to the world. 

BMP:  which was…?

L:  naw, i ain’t finna do it yet.  but, let’s just say he’s buckets of fun for everyone.  you follow me?  that dude.. you can put him all together.. and take him all apart.  heheheh.  you see what i’m sayin?

BMP:  wait… are you suggesting that Steve Harvey is really…


here, he stood up, turned over the table that was sitting between us, and stormed out of the room.

wow.  so there you have it, folks.  the truth behind Steve Harvey’s transformation.  you heard it here first.  and he left us with a haunting accusation.  could it be… ?

who’s been moonlighting as who?

lol @ ur lives.


People Exclusive

Eddie Murphy, Tracey Edmonds Suddenly Split


Eddie Murphy, Tracey Edmonds Suddenly Split
Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have called it quits just two weeks after their intimate wedding, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

“After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forego having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further,” Murphy and Edmonds tell PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “While the recent symbolic union in Bora Bora was representative of our deep love, friendship and respect that we have for one another on a spiritual level, we have decided to remain friends.”

The couple exchanged vows in a sunset ceremony on New Year’s Day on a private island off Bora Bora in French Polynesia. But, according to a source, the honeymoon got off to a rocky start.

“Eddie started yelling at Tracey in front of people,” says one of Edmonds’s wedding guests. “He did it on a few occasions and it was very embarrassing.”

Since the couple’s nuptials took place in a foreign country, the wedding was purely ceremonial – not legal. Murphy, 46, and Edmonds, 40, originally said they planned to have a legal ceremony in the United States, but that is now off.

Murphy and Edmonds started dating in the fall of 2006 and got engaged last July.

lmao @ ‘after much consideration and discussion.’  yall jokers was married for 3 hours, yall aint have time for no ‘much consideration and discussion.’  lol.
its awesome when i feel better than famous people. 🙂

american idol, philly auditions.

somethin u shld know if u’re gonna check this blog frequently.  or even occasionally.  i looove trashy reality tv.  just love it.  its my guilty pleasure.  and this season looks like it’s gonna be the guiltiest yet cause there’s just so much good (read:  deplorable) trash tv on this season, between flavor of love 3, rock of love 2, vh1’s celebrity rehab (i hope i’m too classy to watch something that exploitive, but the jury’s still out as of yet), making the band 4 season 2, which i just saw the preview for yesterday, and now, american idol, which started last night.

 i admit, a lot of the fascination with this show has faded.  i mean it’s been on the air for 15 years already.  still, i was excited to see it, mainly because the first round of auditions were held right here in philadelphia.  i just KNEW i’d see 12 musliminas with cell phones tucked in their veils, 25 dudes in capris, and like a grillion freeway beards, but surprisingly, there wasnt *too* much typical phillyness on the stage.  they prolly just didn’t show all that. 

there were plenty hot messes, of course.  especially this guy. 

it was awesome to see paula being an asshole for once.  laughed all up IN this dude’s face.  and speaking of assholes, my favorite moment of the night:  some crappy guy or girl or whoever it was got up to sing and it was crappy.  simon says ‘i think we should throw this one to paula.’  paula starts on her ‘oh you have such an amazing spirit and blah blah blah im crazy’ talk but simon like, mollywops her into tellin the girl she couldnt sing.  then when the girl/guy leaves all sullen and dejected, simon turns to paula and says, ‘you broke that girl’s heart.  ruined her life.’ or somethin to that effect.  hilarious.

anyway, let’s move on to the important stuff:  you know that at least once per city the producers of american idol like to secure your seat in hell by showin somebody with like a really, really sad life that you shouldnt laugh at… but u just can’t help it because the rest of them is just so deliciously absurd on 3 or more levels?  meet temptress brown.  this is temptress.

she’s happy!

temptress is a 16 yr old football player.  i dont know which school, but she just HAS to be from philly.  has to.  temptress.  first thing that popped into my head:  do her parents know what the word ‘temptress’ means??  temptress is not a name u give your kid from  birth.  no one wants an 8 year old temptress, literally or otherwise.  that’s like… a penname for ‘urban fiction’ writers.  anyway, speaking of her parents.. here’s her mom.

 do u see why you’re goin to hell now?  yeah.

so temptress announces she will sing ‘im not goin nowhere’ by jennifer hudson (known to most of us as ‘and i am telling you’ by jennifer holiday).  and she sings, and…. its not so good.  its bad enough to laugh at.  and then u immediately feel bad for laughing because you then see this:

what you see right before she murders your brains out.

and then you feel even worse because she starts to say she can’t go out to face her family because she failed.. and then everybody walks out there with her and you feel even shittier because you’re reminded of her mom’s condition. 

so she leaves, her dad gives her a big hug, and that’s that.  pack a bag.  the 3:10 to Hades is running early this week.  oh and speakin of her dad…

oh shit, is that ?uestlove? oh shit! 

*all pics and video or whatever appears courtesy of fox or whatever else im posed to say to keep from gettin in trouble.  i didnt take these pics!

and since no one else will say it-

i love me some janet but…this isnt good. janet, have a nap, wake up, try it again.