and in ‘wtf?!1’ news of the day

No joke! Mr. Whipple rescues woman on toilet 2 years
‘She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body’

Posted: March 12, 2008
6:23 pm Eastern

© 2008 WorldNetDaily

Mr. Whipple, portrayed by actor Dick Wilson, was known for his famous toilet paper slogan, ‘Please don’t squeeze the Charmin!’

When you gotta go, you gotta go. But sometimes, you don’t wanna come back for a while.

That’s apparently the case of a 35-year-old Kansas woman, whom police say was on her toilet for two straight years, actually becoming stuck to the seat.

“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body. It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself,” Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple told the Associated Press, explaining it appeared her body fat had grown attached to the seat.

The sheriff, ironically, shares the same last name of “Mr. Whipple,” a fictional grocer used in television ads for Charmin toilet paper, often telling shoppers, “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin!”

According to the wire service, police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh as if she were using the john. Her legs appeared to have atrophied.

“She was sitting on the toilet and was somewhat disoriented,” Whipple said. “She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave.”

The woman has not been cooperative with authorities, and after initially refusing medical services, she was convinced to be taken to a hospital in Wichita to be examined. She’s now listed in fair condition

“We pried the toilet seat off with a prybar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

The woman’s boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, but never explained why it took him two years to call.

Whipple said the boyfriend had brought the woman food and water for two years and claims he asked her daily to get off the throne.

“And her reply would be, ‘Maybe tomorrow,'” Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”

Authorities are now presenting the facts of the matter to the county attorney to see if the 36-year-old boyfriend should face any criminal charges.

A neighbor, James Ellis, told AP he had known the woman since she was a child but said he hadn’t seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up.

“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said of the bathroom incident. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.”

The case is already getting wiped across Internet messageboards, with comments including:

  • Maybe she had to go!
  • I had Arby’s once and sat on the toilet for what seemed like two years. 
  • There’s no way that fat white trash sat on that toilet for two [expletive] years without getting up, unless she’s paralyzed. I don’t care if you are retarded or crazy, you are not going to sit without moving for two years and survive. She would have infectious sores like bedsores all over her a–, and probably have horrible back pain just after a few weeks. She wasn’t there for two years straight.
  • Did Whipple instruct her, “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin”?

2 responses to “and in ‘wtf?!1’ news of the day

  1. um….How? That’s the only thing I can think of. How? How do you sit on a toilet for two years? How do you NOT call someone to get her help for two years?

  2. They are thinking of charging the boyfriend. They should charge the girl with trespassing.

    The boyfriend is an enabler. All he had to do was to stop feeding her. She would eventually get up. He is about as bizarre as she is. They were made for each other. They ought to make a movie. It would be a love story, and it would involve only one set.

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