Monthly Archives: May 2008

since naked FOL girls are all the rage

here’s a helping hand to all the people (and there are a lot of yall lil nasties)  who come to my blog (of all places) lookin for nakey pictures of Candace Cabrera, aka Black from Flavor of Love 3, courtesy of media take out.  typical bikini pics.  no nipples, no vajayjays.  she is topless in a couple, so open with care.  if you get fired for lookin at this shit at work, please know that that is your own horny little fault.

cheers!

ps – here’s a sex tape supposedly featuring buckeey.  dont say i aint never gave u nothin.

pps – if your dumbass gets fired for clickin any of those links on the clock, then u deserved it.  cheers again!

michael winslow is either an alien or a damn dirty fraud

cause really, there’s no way any human should be able to do this:

wtf!

*i stole this from D @ aggregatedope.

 

petition to hillary: get some actright! :: lol @ mccain’s life

sort of a tie-in with the post about mccain’s 175th birthday shindig the day the katrina hit, i have two things for you.

the first is a petition that a compadre of mine worked up, basically tellin hillary ‘looka here.  your people are mangy racists who are gonna plunge this country into peril and we’re gonna need you to do somethin abt that k thanks bye.”

its addressing the fact that so many of hillary’s followers would rather vote for mccain or just not vote at all rather than vote for obama.  and that brings me to my second item:

you’d rather vote for this guy?  really?

…how many chromosomes are u missing?

and wtf is up with that creepy blink he does?  it makes my insides itch.  in a bad way.

bush & mccain: ‘let us eat cake!’

im such a dirty thief today.  apologies, but i really wanted to share this with ppl.

ever wonder what mccain and bush were doing on August 29th, 2005, the day that Hurricane Katrina hit?

they were totally gettin crunk with a birthday cake celebrating mccain’s 278th 69th birthday.  barack and al gore were busy trying to save NOLA, though.  party poopers!

“mmm.. baby tears and destruction! your favorite!”

 

a general list of celebrity crackheads

i dont know if this is a countdown list or what.. im thinking it cant be, cause the biggest (crack)rock stars arent in the top 20, in my humble opinion.

anyway, i just stole this from popcrunch.  it contains all your favorite puffers and blowers–Snoop, Bobby & Whitney, DMX, Big Baby Jesus, Andy Dick, etc etc.  but i was surprised at some of the folks listed, like Orlando Brown and Haley Joel Osmet, the cute little muppet who saw dead people.  smh.  save the babies!

you won’t be at all surprised by who got #1.  very deserving.

http://www.popcrunch.com/busted-100-celebrities-arrested-for-drug-possession/

gratuitous keston karterness.

okay, so i know that a fair portion of the female constituents that chit chat on this blog have an aversion to keston because of the gay that seems to coat his visual appearance, but.  *i* still think he’s nice to look at  and more importantly, my blog gets a lot of hits from people searchin for him, and this is a blatant ploy to get even more hits by making another keston karter entry.

so.  all about keston karter.  + lots and lots of pics.  naked pics.  NAKED KESTON KARTER.  TOTALLY NOODE.

|source|

keston karter was born a small irish child on the east side of boston in 1975.  at the age of 7, he took up with a band of pickpocketing vagrants.  one chilly november evening, he picked the pocket of the neighborhood sourceress, in disguise as an old unsuspecting lady with wads of $100 bills falling from her pockets.  an obvious target, keston took the bait; to punish him, the sorceress (who was racist, which is a given, being from boston and all) decided to punish him with the worst fate she could think of:  turning him into a black man.  keston later grew to be the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen.  he also sued her for entrapment on the grounds that that little stunt she pulled set him up Marion Berry style.

keston took the money he won from his brillion dollar lawsuit and moved to the city of lights, the city that never sleeps, the city where dreams are born and legends are made:  nutbush, tennessee.  while there, he cut a multi-record deal with Holly Parton (dolly’s adopted cousin’s stepmother’s brother’s third baby mama), but holly soon left the outfit, claiming that she was “too punk-rock for this.”  she went on to move to england and become kelly osbourne, son daughter of the famous ozzy osbourne, and keston fell into a deep depression, the effects of which were lessened only by gambling and listening to ‘natural woman’ by aretha franklin.

his saving grace came when, in 1986, keston threw up on danny devito’s shoes.  outraged, danny went batshit crazy and tried to shatter keston’s shins with the toe of his shoe, kicking furiously.  unable to actually reach keston’s shins, however, danny left the scene, dejected, and vowed to find him again one day.  and he did just that; in 2002, danny tracked keston down to have him audition for the part of Jonesie in his upcoming show Reno 911.  keston did a spectacular job and was called back to read for the part again.  “keston, i have to say, you did a great job and you’d be perfect for the role,” danny said, but then screamed  “TOO BAD I HATE YOU!  YOU THREW UP ON MY SHOES, I AINT GIVIN YOU SHIT!”

ruminating on what had just happened, and on his life in general, keston proclaimed, “fuck this, ima just take my shirt off and get paid for it!”  he then walked outside the building, took his shirt off, and money began to fall at his feet.

the end.

*all pics except the 2nd are from kestonkarter.com, as is an alternate biography.  im pretty sure mines is most accurate, though.

no girls has ever say no.

i wasnt even plannin an entry tonight but im sittin here watchin the flavor of love 3 finale and i just heard those words come out of flavor flav’s mouth.

“no girls has ever say no.”

…i think ive finally found r. kelly’s equally illiterate ghostwriter.

he and thing two will be happy together (its so transparent that that’s who he’s gonna pick).

‘oh flav, this is so SPESHOW!  when i seen you at the FUNEROW i was so sad inside but this moment is so ROMANTIKOW!’

OH SHIT

i was right, he just chose thing two.. and HE GAVE HER SOME GOLD TEETH

DO THEY HAVE THE GAPS IN THE UPPER AND BOTTOM ROW LIKE SHE DOES??

I CANT SEE!  DEAR LORD, I MUST SEE!

I GOT $5 FOR ANYBODY WHO CAN PROVIDE A PICTURE!  PLEASE MOSES!  PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN FOR ME!!

BmcP review: ‘Ironman’

a 'juggernaut' extra??

“can’t you see my fuckin outfit?  im a part-time stripper AND i do hair.”

arright.

so i went to see ‘ironman’ at the moobies saturday.  i went with someone else, and i can’t really say that i would have made a move to go see this one alone; i dont know anything abt the comic its based on, and didnt even know such a character existed til i started seein promos for this movie.  i wasn’t moved by ’em.  if ida picked the flick that day, i prolly wlda been tryna see what happens to jesus the lion in the next narnia flick.

but let’s focus here.  this aint abt caspian & nem, its about the great transformation of this guy to this guy:

 wOw.  u cant see a trace of the cocaine, valium, alcohol, bi-polarness, or that album of his that nobody heard.  impressive!  screw whatever downey did between his last arrest in 2000 and now; Ironman is definitely his comeback.  also, a note to the fellas:  gray hair is *hot.*  see how boo boo is workin it up there?  put the ‘just for men’ down and accept it.  thanks.

as previously stated, i had no knowledge of the Ironman character before this film.  while watching, though, i was pretty sure i could make a good guess at its origins.  in the film, downey is mechanics whiz tony stark, maker of some of the most kill-ass weapons in the world.  while in a place that one could only call Nameless Terroristville, Middle East, stark gets kidnapped, saved by a muslim doctor who hooks his ticker up to a magnet and a car battery to keep schrapnel from gettin in there and killin him til he’s dead, and then ordered by guys who are probably billed in the credits as Terrorist 1 and Terrorist 2 to build his latest, most terrifying weapon yet:  the Jericho missile. 

now i thought this missile was totally made up, but it turns out that they do exist, though not in the o-god-i-just-peed-myself kind of way that they did in the movie.  i mean the stuff on the wiki page does not sound pleasant, but in the movie?  man, this shit was like.. okay, so the thing fired, right, and it goes all high up in the sky, and then–i kid you not–the bitch GIVES BIRTH in mid-air.  so then its just like, raining nuclear warheads and shit, i swear. 

see? told you.

it was terrifying.  NOBODY should have one of these things, not even the god blessed US of A, and in the movie, not only do we have them, but Johnny B. Terrorist will soon have one too.  holy fuckballs, this can’t be good.

here’s where i decided that the Ironman comic probably debuted during the Vietnam war when everybody was all like, ‘boooo weapons are bad, no war, booooooo!’ cause there’s a clear anti-war and anti-blowing motherfuckers up message in the movie.  switch out afganistan for vietnam and bam.  i was so right.

so while he’s there being held captive in the cave with his friendly doctoral sidekick, he instead draws up plans to build a superfantastically devistating suit of armor to get his ass up outta there instead of building the missile.  of course those wacky terrorists are none the wiser, because they STOOPID!  they totally had no idea that he was welding some iron draws instead of a huge iron maiden of death!  ha!  go america!  tony gets his draws on and totally kills the hell out of the terrorist with his big ol cuban missile arms and whatnot and he escapes and gets rescued and gets back to the states with a new outlook on life.  he sorta noticed that he was profitting from the death of hugillions of people and maybe sorta kinda went crazy a little bit (but not as crazy as Serah Winchester went with the guilt of all the people who had been murdered by Winchester rifles) and decided to shut down the business that had turned him into a multi-billion dollar vagina magnet.  he then spends copious amounts of time perfecting his suit and getting splooged in the face by his robot assistants (it’ll make sense when you see the film).  while all this is goin on, the trademark evil villian surfaces and the foundation is laid for a fight to the death, like with any good comic book flick.  and yes, there’s also the must-have moment when the villian has our hero’s life in the palm of his hand and takes like 20 minutes to rundown his entire life story and go over the blueprints for his plan to destroy the world, and then leaves with the heart-warming assumption that the hero will be dead in a matter of minutes… without actually staying and making sure that it happens.  villians are stupid, yo.

anyway, good vs evil, yaddah yaddah, happy ending.

now.  here’s what i really liked about this movie:

1 – EXPLOSIONS.  who doesnt like seein shit get blown up?!  you’re guaranteed lots of flaming terrorists here folks.  you can’t lose with burning terrorists.

2 – Tony Stark.  jeez, what an asshole. he’s a sardonic, disrespectful, self-centered, womanizing, money hungry wise ass. and i LOVE HIM. i dunno how they did it! the guy’s a jerk; even after his change of heart, he’s still an ass (he talks HORRIBLY to his helpful robots throughout the movie, for one. how u gon be mean to somethin that was created to faithfully serve you and no one else??) but still manages to be wholly likeable. im still trying to figure it out. i love him though. maybe this is robert downey jr’s newfound hotness at work, i dunno.

3 – A human superhero!  i mean.. guys who just wake up and can magically fly are cool, i guess.  and guys who use magical webs or really really high-quality grappling hooks to mimic flight are too, i suppose.  but yo.  my man tony stark locked himself up for months MAKING himself extraordinary.  it was refreshing to see him goin through trial and error, tryin to perfect his shit and sometimes almost dying cause of some shit he did wrong.  i mean it wasnt refreshing cause he almost died.. he was just very relatable.  AND a fucking genius!  not only did dude build iron draws with the ability to kill an entire village, he made that shit FLY and designed a new super electro-whateveritwas called heart to keep him alive FOREVER. 

!!!  

i mean, those little pansies in tights who are born with the ability to fly?  how impressive is that?  all u gotta do is avoid green glowing rocks and ur good.  that aint hard!  just like the movie’s slogan says, ‘heroes arent born, they’re built.’  that gives the everyman the impression that he, too, can build a suit of iron and blow shit the fuck up.  and who doesnt want to feel that way??  i know i do!  i have a list.  i know just who i’d start with (YES, IM LOOKING AT YOU WOMAN WHO SMOKES IN THE BATHROOM EVEN THOUGH SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO).

3 – THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!  maan there were just so many prime opportunites to scream out quotes from My Way Entertainment’s classic viral Juggernaut video.  i did it the whole movie.  the whole movie

“YEAH, ITS THE JUGGANAUT, BITCH!”

“im made outta laffy taffy, motherfucker!”

i can’t go into too much detail about what i liked most about the film cause it might could contain some spoilers and i dont wanna ruin it for anybody.  if u wanna know, hit the comments and i’ll email it to you, if either of us cares that much by then.  lol

overall, i thought it was dope.  fantastic explosions laced with some sick guitar riffs and a very, very sexy robert downey jr.  i give this flick 3 out of 4 stars.  a semi-nude shot of downey wlda gotten it to four.  i swear ima get me a white man one day.

*Ironman stills are from this trailer @ imdb.  Juggernaut stills are from the vid hosted @ dankster.org.

IM BACK DAMMIT. STOP STALKING ME.

so.

after intense cyber harassment by my loyal, rabid fans (basically this guy right here), im back! i do apologize for the ridiculously long absence. blame it on not having reliable internets at home & the internets being patrolled by a nazi-like server, and the backbreaking stress that seems to come with getting one’s life together. im sorry. get over it. k thanks.

real entries will begin tomorrow. ive decided to start doing reviews; the first three will be of a movie (iron man), a vidjoe game (mario kart wii), aaaaaaand a musical compact disc album (‘rising down’ by the roots. this will be last because i havent actually heard it yet).

you may now commence to wetting your pants with anticipation.

but really, thanks to all whove been pokin me to get off my ass. u like me! u really like me!

feels good to be home! (c) kanyeezy