August 29, 2008–New York, N.Y.: Republican presidential hopeful and likely nominee John McCain surprised his supporters–and more importantly, his potential supporters–with a treat early this morning: a magic show that no one was expecting (okay, some probably saw it coming), organized by the McCain camp.
“We wanted it to be a real treat,” said a spokesman for the campaign. “Though it was by invitation only, it was planned with everyone in mind, all those already on the McCain train, those thinking of boarding, and those waiting at Obama Central Station, looking over their shoulder here at us. It’s not too late to get your money back, guys!” When questioned about where on earth the spokesman got that horrid metaphor, he refused to comment.
The show began at around 9:00 am EST in a brightly colored auditorium decorated, oddly enough, with daisies, pink streamers, and framed covers of Cosmo magazine. The show was invitation only, and each seat was suspiciously filled with women, 89% of whom were clad in Keds and Mom Jeans. McCain took to the stage, a regular Dapper Dan in tails and a top hat, and thanked everyone for attending.
“Good evening!” he said, struggling to put some life behind his patented and trademarked dead-behind-the-eyes gaze. “I hope you’ll all enjoy the show. There are refreshments about, as I understand, we’ve got some bon bons, uh, and some cakes and things that you all might like, and if anyone gets crampy, we’ve got some Midol and hot water bottles too. Now, I’d like to introduce to you all, my beautiful, lovely assistant.. the Great Palini!”
From behind a red velvet curtain emerged a feminine beauty, also in tails and a top hat, but with high heels and fish nets to boot. She twirled twice and then took McCain’s hands at he continued.
“She’s truly amazing, folks! If you think I’m a magician, wait til you get a load of her! She can do it all, ladies and gentle… ladies, she can bend steel with her mind! She can make doves appear out of thin air! She manages to govern the entire state of Alaska and be a fantastic mom, all while never missing a single episode of Oprah!” Some in the crowd chuckled; others sent out impressive ‘oooh,’s while others muttered, “What in the damn hell?”
“And now, ladies and.. ladies, I will attempt a truly impressive feat. Before your very eyes, I shall transform the Great Palini from simple governor and hockey mom to… Sarah Palin, Vice President of the United States!” Here, a puff of smoke errupted at Palin’s feet, and when it cleared, she was clad in a blue skirted business suit and (for some reason) holding a tray of cookies one hand, and a baby in the other. The crowd gasped.
While one half of the room rewarded McCain with thunderous applause, the others prepared for the question and answer/meet and greet session to follow the show.
“Um, yeah, I have a question,” said Noreen McDonald of Springfield, IL., “who is this woman?”
“She’s a very, very talented individual with a sharp wit and, as you can see, very perky breasts. Womanly breasts. Next question, please!”
“Yes, but… who is she? What does she do? What are her qualifications?”
“She’s a governor!” McCain chirped cheerfully. “She’s the governor of our great state of Alaska, which I assure you is no easy feat; it’s the largest state in our nation, so I’m sure that equals a lot of work, and she’s done a great job!”
“Yeah,” said Michelle Greenwood of Kansas City, MO, “but really.. how hard can governing a bunch of snow and ice and seals be?”
The crowd chuckled but McCain’s pasty countenance began to moisten and melt, and it became clear to the crowd that he was perspiring beneath the heat of the crowd’s interrogation.
“I, uh, I’d be happy to answer that for you, but there’s.. there’s a little something distracting me. What’s this?” McCain walked over to the woman and reached for the left side of her face. “Well, would you look at that! Somebody left a shiny new quarter in there! Here you go, pretty lady!”
“Oh, this is bullshit!” the woman retorted. “This is an insult! You parade some nobody of a woman out here and expect us to fall in line? You think that’s all we want? A vagina in the white house?!”
“Alright, Sarah, time to pull out the big guns,” McCain said to his new running mate before turning to the crowd: “Ladies I assure you that I have the answer to all your questions, and more. I think what you’re looking for is riiiiight over… here!” In a fluid motion impressive for a 98 year old man, McCain threw a small ball to his left and the stage exploded in red smoke. From the smoke emerged 300 can-can dancers, followed by a parade of flaming clowns on unicycles, and contortionists riding on the backs of elephants spelling out the word “MAVERICK” with their bodies.
Disgusted, Michelle Greenwood stood and walked out. No word yet on how many women were smart enough to do the same.
© The Impoverished Times