Monthly Archives: August 2008

McCain attempts to wow voters with Vegas-style magic show

August 29, 2008–New York, N.Y.:  Republican presidential hopeful and likely nominee John McCain surprised his supporters–and more importantly, his potential supporters–with a treat early this morning:  a magic show that no one was expecting (okay, some probably saw it coming), organized by the McCain camp.

“We wanted it to be a real treat,” said a spokesman for the campaign.  “Though it was by invitation only, it was planned with everyone in mind, all those already on the McCain train, those thinking of boarding, and those waiting at Obama Central Station, looking over their shoulder here at us.  It’s not too late to get your money back, guys!”  When questioned about where on earth the spokesman got that horrid metaphor, he refused to comment.

The show began at around 9:00 am EST in a brightly colored auditorium decorated, oddly enough, with daisies, pink streamers, and framed covers of Cosmo magazine.  The show was invitation only, and each seat was suspiciously filled with women, 89% of whom were clad in Keds and Mom Jeans.  McCain took to the stage, a regular Dapper Dan in tails and a top hat, and thanked everyone for attending.

“Good evening!” he said, struggling to put some life behind his patented and trademarked dead-behind-the-eyes gaze.  “I hope you’ll all enjoy the show.  There are refreshments about, as I understand, we’ve got some bon bons, uh, and some cakes and things that you all might like, and if anyone gets crampy, we’ve got some Midol and hot water bottles too.  Now, I’d like to introduce to you all, my beautiful, lovely assistant.. the Great Palini!”

From behind a red velvet curtain emerged a feminine beauty, also in tails and a top hat, but with high heels and fish nets to boot.  She twirled twice and then took McCain’s hands at he continued.

“She’s truly amazing, folks!  If you think I’m a magician, wait til you get a load of her!  She can do it all, ladies and gentle… ladies, she can bend steel with her mind!  She can make doves appear out of thin air!  She manages to govern the entire state of Alaska and be a fantastic mom, all while never missing a single episode of Oprah!”  Some in the crowd chuckled; others sent out impressive ‘oooh,’s while others muttered, “What in the damn hell?” 

“And now, ladies and.. ladies, I will attempt a truly impressive feat.  Before your very eyes, I shall transform the Great Palini from simple governor and hockey mom to… Sarah Palin, Vice President of the United States!”  Here, a puff of smoke errupted at Palin’s feet, and when it cleared, she was clad in a blue skirted business suit and (for some reason) holding a tray of cookies one hand, and a baby in the other.  The crowd gasped.

While one half of the room rewarded McCain with thunderous applause, the others prepared for the question and answer/meet and greet session to follow the show.

“Um, yeah, I have a question,” said Noreen McDonald of Springfield, IL., “who is this woman?”

The Great Palini, aka Sarah Palin, solidifies her womanness by appearing on the cover of Vogue, 2007.

“She’s a very, very talented individual with a sharp wit and, as you can see, very perky breasts.  Womanly breasts.  Next question, please!”

“Yes, but… who is she?  What does she do?  What are her qualifications?”

“She’s a governor!” McCain chirped cheerfully.  “She’s the governor of our great state of Alaska, which I assure you is no easy feat; it’s the largest state in our nation, so I’m sure that equals a lot of work, and she’s done a great job!”

“Yeah,” said Michelle Greenwood of Kansas City, MO, “but really.. how hard can governing a bunch of snow and ice and seals be?”

The crowd chuckled but McCain’s pasty countenance began to moisten and melt, and it became clear to the crowd that he was perspiring beneath the heat of the crowd’s interrogation.

“I, uh, I’d be happy to answer that for you, but there’s.. there’s a little something distracting me.  What’s this?”  McCain walked over to the woman and reached for the left side of her face.  “Well, would you look at that!  Somebody left a shiny new quarter in there!  Here you go, pretty lady!” 

“Oh, this is bullshit!” the woman retorted.  “This is an insult!  You parade some nobody of a woman out here and expect us to fall in line?  You think that’s all we want?  A vagina in the white house?!”

“Alright, Sarah, time to pull out the big guns,” McCain said to his new running mate before turning to the crowd:  “Ladies I assure you that I have the answer to all your questions, and more.  I think what you’re looking for is riiiiight over… here!”  In a fluid motion impressive for a 98 year old man, McCain threw a small ball to his left and the stage exploded in red smoke.  From the smoke emerged 300 can-can dancers, followed by a parade of flaming clowns on unicycles, and contortionists riding on the backs of elephants spelling out the word “MAVERICK” with their bodies.

Disgusted, Michelle Greenwood stood and walked out.  No word yet on how many women were smart enough to do the same.

© The Impoverished Times

1 | 2

Advertisements

thing i wish i hadnt laughed at of the day

😦

is it wrong that i could decode that # with no problem?

|src|

“1/16th” rule no longer applies; world skips forward holding hands. sometimes.

August 26, 2008–BIRMINGHAM, U.K.: It seems that the tide continues to turn all across the world. 40 years ago in America, black preachers were having their houses and churches firebombed, their families terrorized, and they themselves were shot and killed like dogs in the streets. Now, in 2008, a black man stands an honest, viable chance at becoming president of the nation, complete with the support of much of the free world. Whether people see it as a positive or negative thing, everyone can agree that this is a hugely siginifant time in American history.
 
“I can’t believe it!” said Lauren Quails, a student at the University of Louisville in Louisville, KY. “We’re really going places now!” Her mother, Delta Quails, agrees… sort of. “Yeah, we’re goin places.  To hell in a handbasket,” she says with hushed tone and furrowed brow. To them both, though, it’s a big deal. And not just in America. People nationwide are opening their arms to presidential hopeful Barack Obama, a black man with a Muslim name.
“A black man with a Muslim name.” Something in that description doesn’t sit well with a growing number of white people. And this time, it’s not what you think. 
“Can I just say Obama is mixed race and anyone that says… that he is African American are[sic] racist,” says Marko on a messageboard in the UK. “He is half European as well.”
As they say in the movies, this changes everything. This wave of white Americans and Europeans wanting to declassify Barack Obama as a black man stands in stark contrast to the centuries old, tacit “1/16th” or “one drop” rule in America that stated that all it took was one drop (or 1/16th) of black blood to legally classify a person as black. Though this rule may not be in lawbooks today, its effects are still clearly felt and seen in today’s world. Those with any African lineage are typically considered black, particularly if they have any sort of black of African features. Look at popular culture, as an example: Halle Berry, Philip Michael ThomasLenny Kravitz, Alicia Keys, Mario Van PeeblesVanessa Williams, Bob Marley, and Malcolm X are all classified as or presumed to be black. Why the sudden change?
“Basically, we want in on this too,” said Chadworth Keystone of the Bureau of Things that are Important to White People in Hartford, Connecticut. “Barack Obama is a great man, you know. He is clearly… he’s clearly just, just wow, you know? He dresses awesome, and he speaks so well and.. he’s just awesome, and so we want a piece of that. And since his mom was white, then technically we already have a piece of that, and it’s not fair that people overlook that, it’s just not fair.  Not to him or us!  We helped make that, and he shouldn’t have to choose!  Also, if we make him white, then it makes it a lot easier for us to deal with our wives wanting to sleep with him.”

Not white enough to make white people care.

Corey Clark: Not important enough to make white people care.

What about Corey Clark, we asked him, the bi-racial (black and white) American Idol star kicked off the show for domestic violence and drug charges who later claimed that he had an affair with judge Paula Abdul? Is he white?

“Uhh… Well, I mean, you know. He’s.. he doesn’t really look.. um.. is that the phone? I think I hear the phone, I need to take this.” He then proceeded to pick up a television remote control and hold it to his ear and sat as if waiting for us to leave. When we pointed out that he was not, in fact, holding a telephone, he screamed “GO AWAY!” and shut his eyes tightly, refusing to open them again.

We asked Leroy Brown, a Chicago mechanic, what he thought about this new phenomenon of whites demanding that Obama not be black. “Ain’t sh*t new,” he said. “White folk can’t let niggas have nothin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© The Impoverished Times

pic sources: 1 | 2

russia to female employees: ‘nice ass, sugartits!’

|source|

so i got to this article via gunabee.com.  in case you dont feel like reading it, here are the highlights (there are more startling facts in the article though):

  • since the collapse of the soviet union, only two women have been successful in winning sexual harrassment suits against their male employees (the first in 1993, the second in 1997)
  • 100% of female professionals working in Russia report that they have been subjected to harassment by their male superiors.
  • 32% said they had intercourse with their bosses at least once.
  • 7% said they had been raped by their bosses.
  • a judge just declared that sexual harassment is okay because “if we had no sexual harassment, we would have no children.”

?

wtf is wrong w/ russia??  newsflash:  you can make babies without rape and coercion!  jesus pleezus, are russian men that ugly??  is that why they’re currently carving a crater in georgia’s left ass cheek?  playin with those missiles make up for nobody wantin to play with the ones in their pants??

sheesh.

this makes me wonder abt the frequency that it happens in the US.  personally, ive never experienced anything of the sort, and ive worked in 3 different offices thus far in my life.  its kind of a pity though, cause i had a crush on my last boss.  its weird cause he’s not an attractive man, at all.

this brings my line of thinking to this sentiment, and that sentiment brings me to this video.  and all that brings me to this question:  if you were attracted to your boss, and your boss pushed up on you, would you go down that illicit path and do the grownup getsome??  i mean i can see how alluring it would be.  you get your crush in the sack plus some extra chips on ur paycheck or some extra paid time off as a ‘thank you.’  and lord knows i could use BOTH in my life.  i wldnt be able to do it tho; im sittin here thinkin abt it now and if that boss i was crushin on offered me a bonus or a day off for bein cute… id take that in a heartbeat.  BUT.  i wldnt be able to give him any of the lucious.  i have morals.  and he has a wife who was in the army and is WAAAAY bigger than me.  and german.  yowza.

so what do yall think?  if u were attracted to ur boss, and this boss made a pass at you, would you find it harassing, or flattering?  could u/would u sleep with him/her?

how i got OVAH: the story of my sancification @ an insurance company

so i was reading this post over @ my good buddy’s blog, which i routinely keep forgetting to put in my links, but i will soon, and was reminded of a story that i want to share.  yeah yeah, this blog aint abt me.  but this entry is.  shut up & love it.

so my job now is extra super fantastalistic, but before i got here, i was at a big name insurance company ‘processing claims’ as a temp as it struggled to keep its head above water (which it didn’t do, btw.  it had to merge w/ another company).  there had been some big conversion and a lot of claims were ‘lost in the system’ (i still dont know exactly wtf that means).  so, my job, as well as the other temps who were brought in, were to process them.  i still dont know exactly wtf that means, either.  we were trained for two weeks but only saw our instructor for like 4 days out of those two weeks, so we basically got out on the floor and pushed a bunch of buttons.  that was cool with me b/c i really like to push buttons.  its stress relieving.  i enjoy that shit.

anyway, a disproportionate percentage of the employees at this particular branch/office were black women.  i thought it the oddest thing.  i mean there’s a shitload of black ppl in philly anyway, but ive never ever worked in an office with so many black people, or women.  most of the older women were REALLY into the church and the lord and all that jazz, which isnt surprising–i find that a lot of black folk in philly are pretty religious.  on the trolley on my way to work every morning, i typically see at least 3 people with christian books if not the Bible itself, and i hear enough casual conversations abt the goodness of god (yeah girl, lil shaquadranaydre’ made the color guard!  god is good, aint he?!) to note it as interesting in my brain.  of course its usually the older ppl who talk abt it the most.

we sat in quads, and directly across from me was a lady named Miss Michelle who was nice enough.  kind of judgemental.  very religiously fundamental.  as sweet and level headed as she was (i guess she was in her 50s or so), i heard her say some very off-color things abt gays in the name of god that kind of turned my stomach.  but she talked abt church aaaall the time.  all her time was spent in church.  church church church church church.  to the left of her sat Queenie, who is to this day the largest woman ive ever personally known in my life.  morbidly obese.  it was sad, really, because she was a really nice woman (lol im talkin abt her like she’s dead, wtf.. she still alive!).. she was youngish, late 20s, i estimated, and stayed doin her hair.  she was good at it, too, but unfortunately she was suffering with Philadelphian HWS (Horrid Weave Syndrome, the Philadelphian strain of which is particularly crippling).  so one day she’d be fine, fresh perm, Sebastian wet @ the roots so she got the seasick waves goin on, and the next day she’d roll in lookin like a roosterfish.  anyway, Queenie was a hood chick into hood things, so her conversation was usually about the latest club she went to & got into a fight at.  but she was funny, so i didn’t mind hearin her talk.  plus she couldn’t correctly pronounce words that ended in -ed; ‘looked’ was ‘look-ded,’ and so on and so forth.  call me what you want, but that shit was fuh-NEE.

across from Queenie and to my immediate right was Miss Starry.  Starry was an interesting woman with a roaving eyeball whom i estimated to be in her 50s as well, late 50s.  kind of grandmotherly.  she had this weird dred scott/bride of frankenstein thing goin on with her hair; it was big, bushy, burly, and coal black except for the random streaks of silver crashing through it.  she was boxy in the body and the moles on her left cheek made sort of a dog-like shape.  sometimes when she was talkin to me id get lost lookin at it because when her cheeks moved it looked like the tail was wagging.  anyway, she was real good friends with Miss Michelle and also way into the church, so they talked all the time.

now, im a pretty personable person, and as the sweet semi-southern girl i am, i was always very cordial and polite, particularly with the older ladies.  so we’d sit around all day, pushin buttons and makin small talk.

on the second day they had us temps workin out on the floor, out of the clear blue sky, right in the middle of a conversation about whatever reality show she all happened to catch the night before, Miss Starry looks at me and asks:

“are you saved?”

it was so entirely random.  i looked at her dumbly and blinked at least 5 times before saying “..am i huh?”

“saved,” she repeated again, thinking that i just didn’t hear her, “are you saved?”

let’s hit the pause button for some background info right quick.  i was raised baptist.  my family wasn’t super religious but we went to church.  i quit going when i went off to school because i didnt find it necessary.  my beliefs, if crudely put, are pretty much as follows:  1 – there is a god.  2 – god is neither male nor female.  3 – there are many paths to god.  4 – walk yours the right way and you’ll get there.  over the years, i have learned that its far easier to just smile and nod when someone tries to make sure you’re on the right side of their Christian religion.  ive had too many rumbles with old people to ever want to go down that path again.

so.  on this day, i smile and nod, ‘yes ma’am, i am,’  thinking that it would be over and done with.  i smiled, happy that id successfully sidestepped an awkward situation that would have turned into an awkward work environment.  she smiled, too, and i turned back to my computer screen, but she kept talking.

“i knew you were.  i can tell.”

*smile and nod*

after a couple hours of pushing buttons, its lunch time.  i stand up to make my way to the break room, and Miss Starry calls me over to Miss Michelle’s desk, where she was standing.

“this is our sister!” Starry beamed to Michelle, “she’s saved, too!”

“oooh, well god bless you, sister!”

*very, very awkward smile & nod*

oh well, i think to myself.  it could be worse.

AND IT GOT WORSE.  how bout then she proceeds to take me around to every save-ded [(c) Queenie] woman’s desk in the office, introducing me to my new “sisters.”

i was so mad.  i mean she was coming from a good place, sure enough, but i dunno.  i didn’t want that, but it was forced upon me.  i felt so violated!  like i just wanted to go sit in the bathroom and rock back and forth after it was all done.

and i could only imagine what was to come next.  invitations to bible study.  mid-work prayer groups.  an honorary pair of white usher’s gloves and a gold sequined church lady hat.  off black pantyhose and orthopedic shoes.

*shudder*

thankfully, there wasnt too much craziness after that, though i did have a plan in place in case they did try to adopt/abduct me.  id start talking about sex.  very loudly and very often.  abt how much i love it and just cant get enough and how being hairless and fornicating just makes it feel sooooooooo much better, inside and out.  and when they gasp and clutch their pearls and say “sister brokey, we thought you were SAVED!!” i’d look at them and say,

“saved?  oooooh no i thought you said shaved. cause i’m totally into that freaky shit.”

pic sources:  1.1 | 1.2 | 1.3 | 2

‘Tropic Thunder:’ a review

in the harsh, sun-drowned thickets of vietnam (north or south, i can’t remember), a helicopter carrying the remains of the hopeful spirits of a rescue mission shivers and whirrs a dirge for the lost life of Seargent Four Leaf Tayback.  the youngest pair of eyes on board the chopper searches the leaves as it begins to lift off, a prayer dancing in their centers.  just as it looks like Tayback is forever lost in the belly of the leafy monster, he emerges, covered in sweat and struggle from the brush.

almost immediately, he is pierced with one bullet, then another, and another as he stomps determinedly to the chopper.  he should have fallen and died immediately, but ever the trooper he presses on and on and on as his comrade in arms, Sgt. Osiris (Robert Downey Jr.), utters one command under his breath:  ‘survive.’

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where i freaking LOST IT.  less than 5 minutes into the movie and i’m doubled over in my seat crying w/ laughter, literally.  thing abt it is i didnt even hear him when he first said ‘survive;’ i turned to my movie buddy and had to ask him what he said and when he repeated it, the concept of somebody saying ‘survive’ while watching their homie get killed was so absurd that it just killed me inside.  he didnt say ‘don’t you die on me!!’ or scream ‘NOOOOOOOOO!’ like they always do in war movies.  this faux-nigga said ‘survive.’  i was done.

& the laughs just kept comin one after another after that.  if u haven’t seen ‘tropic thunder’ yet, go see it now.  dont even read the rest of this review.  its good.  its AWESOME.  dont be a loser all your life!  GO SEE IT!

quick plot synopsis:  an actor bordering on has-beendom, a rapper trying to break into the acting world, a method actor who would probably willingly kill himself while prepping for a role, and a flatulant heroine-addicted comedian sign on to make a movie, a war flick based on the amazing life of army hero Four Leaf Tayback.  in an effort to get some real acting outta them, the director and Tayback himself decide to drop the main characters in the middle of the Vietnam jungle in an area rigged with faux explosives and cameras.  in the midst of it all, the actors are forced to become (literally) the characters they portray when they get kidnapped for reals, yo.

first, i gotta say that robert downey jr. was my FAVORITE part of this movie.  this + iron man = RDJ at the tops of my favorite actors list, crack or no crack.  i guess i should address the whole black face thing:

so the fuck what!

alright, now that i got that out of the way, i will say in seriousness that i hope that all the ppl who were angry abt it will understand it once they see the film.  its a parody of how seriously method actors take themselves, and also (in my humble opinion), a prime example of how ridiculous it is when the roles of ethnic characters are given to white actors, totally overlooking completely capable ethnic actors (I’M LOOKIN AT YOU, JOHN WAYNE’S MOVIES!!).  it makes me very sad that not enough black folk understand parody/satire (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, PEOPLE WHO GOT MAD ABOUT THAT ‘READ A BOOK’ SONG!!).  so yeah, i didnt give a shit abt the blackface.  and scratch that, ima stop callin it blackface.  this is blackface.  this wasnt.

so anyway, RDJ stole the show, largely due to his facial expressions.  hilarious.  i dont even have anything else to say about them.  just plain hilarious.  most of my laughing tears came from him.

& not to sell the rest of the cast short, ben stiller has returned to his something-about-mary kind of funniness and jack black killed it, and he didn’t even touch a guitar or sing once during the whole movie!  the guy who played Alpa Chino was good too.  i think he held his own well in a cast of super huge super big stars; its hard to stand out among the likes of downey, stiller, & black, but he did very well.  as did that other little skinny kid whose name i can’t remember.

i have to say that the biggest, most fulfilling surprise in this flick came from a cameo in the form of a greasy, balding, fat, foulmouthed tom cruise who i had NO idea was in this movie.  i was reading up on it, and apparently in november 2007, some pictures of cruise on the set were leaked & lawsuits were threatened b/c stiller really, really wanted it to be a surprise for movie goers.  he at least got me because i was really surprised; i read a review of the movie in a local paper and it mentioned cruise’s name, but i was like ‘wtf, he’s not in this movie, he aint in the promos nowhere.’  good job, guys.  cruise killed it.  there were lots of other cameos too.. i love cameos.  they’re like finding extra prizes in ur cereal boxes.

when i heard about all the protesting going on over this movie and the use of the ‘r-word’ (“retarded”), i shook my head and said ‘sheesh, people will protest anything.’  i automagically [(c) mreeuh – hi!!!!] assumed that someone had called someone else an ‘r-word’ in passing & ppl got their pannies in a bunch over little to nothing.  but… yeah.  even i had to shake my head over the treatment of mental handicappedness in the movie.  you know those laughs that make you feel like you’re going to hell because you’re laughing at something really inappropriate?  yeah.  it induced that kind of laughing.  and they didnt just say it once, but like, repeatedly.  in a very short time frame, even

overall though, man.. this was a really, really fun time.  i dont see any movies that become must-haves for my sorry ass DVD collection, but this is most certainly one.

i give it 5 outta 5 donkins!  GO SEE IT!!

*pic source

so brandy’s coming back.

..no word yet on whether or not her hairline will be joining her.

wait, this just in:  new promo pics confirm that the two have apparently not yet reconciled after years of abuse of the hairline by brandy’s braids.

but seriously folks.. more promo pics + the new single ‘right here’… here.

*this entry is sponsored by ::::