Monthly Archives: September 2008

my thoughts on the presidential debate.

…barack obama said ‘orgy.’

for serious, i cant even remember what he was talkin abt or what else he said in the same sentence.  he was bitchslappin mccain tho so it was prolly somethin like ‘your hairline and that dumb ass smirk of yours is like an orgy of creepy things that are difficult to look at.’

its the first time ive ever heard obama utter anything sexual outside of my fantasies.

me:   ‘look at mccain.  i bet he’s a robot.  he looks like a robot.  a really old robot.  you know you’re old if you’d still be old even if u were a robo–wait… did obama say orgy?  OMG OBAMA SAID ORGY.’

i looked exactly like this:

i think there were other things said after that, but im not sure.

obama won!

debunked urban myth of the day

 so most black folk, i assume, have heard stories of other black folk namin their kids crazy and ridiculous names.  there’s always something new, but each time i hear the stories, a few names repeat themselves.  twins named oranjello and lemonjello (orange jell-o & lemon jell-o).  a kid named Shithead (shit head).  alize and moet.  a kid named yomajesty (your majesty).

well, i get a text from a good friend of mine today, containing a picture of a blackboard that he took at a middle school (i think it was a middle school) whereon the names of some unruly kids were written.  check out the first two names from the top.

 

yo got damned majesti.  and i didnt even recognize what the first one is.. bougie boogie had to decode it for me:  yo highness.

the photographer has been trying to tell me forever that these two kids existed and i just flat out disbelieved him.  im a believer now. 

a very, very sad believer.

😦

note to self: don’t fucking lie to david letterman.

so, here’s what happened while i was out watching the phillies eat dirt today:

john mccain, while preparing to appear on the tonight show with david letterman, notices that the economy has a raging teminal case of crotch rot, and decides that he has to do something about it.  now.  right now, he’s just gotta fix it.  so, he cancels on letterman.  letterman gets my silver-haired boo keith olbermann to fill in.

letterman is like cool.  bully old mccain.  good guy.

at some point during the night, letterman gets word that not only did mccain not rush to the airport to cure the economic crotch rot, but his ensure-drinkin ass is being interviewed by katie couric.   right down the street.

dave, being the subtle guy he is, exposes the wrinkle little weeble wobble for the ancient liar he is.

please watch this & spread it around like herpes before it gets pulled (thanks to deadline hollywood daily for this).

so clay aiken came out the closet today.

that’s the word on the skreet, and in the upcoming People magazine according to the AOL news page.

also today, the sky held a press conference to announce to the world, at long last, that it is blue.

“i know that there’s been lots of speculation and a constant whispering of rumors,” it said, “i finally want to just be myself.”

the sky took questions at the conclusion of its statement.  one reporter asked:

“…you do know that we’ve seen you before, right?”

this is the first time that the sky has ever spoken publicly about its color, even though its been blatantly obvious since it won the reality TV talent show “American Idol” in 2003 since God created it billions of years ago.

i’d rate the both a -2 on the Necessary Scale.  smh.

accidental porn of the day (work safe)

just in time for fall!

more here.

“when you say teenage, how old you talkin?”

OH, R. KELLY, YOU BABY-PEEIN MOTHERFUCKER.

yo. i hate r. kelly man. i fucking hate r. kelly. i just watched his “interview” on BET, and as soon as i finish this blog entry, im gonna go email toure and ask him how robert kelly’s ass tastes, because that vacant-eyed bastard was in his shit aaaall niiiiight long! (note: that’s an exaggeration, but if you factor in my hatred of r.kelly, then its VERY accurate). i mean dude! off top, first question should have been:

“so, r. kelly–why did you pee on that baby?”

second question:

“why you lie like that wasn’t you on that tape?”

the third question i’d address to the NAACP, et. al:

“why in wet water-sporting rubber-sheeted hell did you simple bitches give an image award to this joker AFTER it was establish that he likes to pee on babies? THAT WAS HIS IMAGE! a baby-pisser! do u know u gave out an award for baby-pissing??’

fourth question would be addressed to all of america, right into the camera:

hey kids!  get your very own r. kelly doll, now with spastic kungfu bladder!

hey kids! get your very own r. kelly doll, now with spastic kungfu bladder!

“…WHAT IN THE BALLS?!”

TOURE! YOU SOFT, N!GGA! I FEEL ASHAMED ON YOUR MOTHER’S BEHALF! you shoulda crucified that ol barely legal, call-me-daddy, sex zoo singin, functionally illiterate, kid pissing sumbitch.
in response to why people were charging that there were issues with kelly to look for (by his brother and employees), r’s explanation was basically that they were mad because he fired them. everybody wants a piece of r. kelly, he said, and when he doesn’t give it to them, they take it. don’t listen to them, he says.

..N!GGA. WE AINT LISTENIN TO THEM. WE LISTENIN TO THE VIDEOTAPE THAT YO ASS WAS IN, PEEIN ON BABIES ALL WILLY NILLY. WE SAW IT. EVERYBODY FUCKING SAW IT. digitized mole my big, supple, soft, deliciously moisturized ASS!

oh, and the crowning glory, my loves. toure asks him if he likes teenagers. kell’s response:

“when you say teenage, how old you talkin?”

….DAMNATION!

oh, and check THIS shit out. he kept talkin abt how this episode has made him stronger and strengthened his writing skills.

YOU CANT READ. BY PROXY, YOU DONT HAVE NO WRITING SKILLS. LITERALLY.

okay, that last bit was 100% grade A hate, no fillers, no chasers. but fuck him, yo! he deserves it! i hate r. kelly! pied piper. PIED FKING PIPER! like…. $@$!@#$!#$%$^

let me get out of this entry and go find somebody with some pressure pills b/c mine is UP right now, i swear to bob.

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if motivational posters were honest

 

 

 

& also this one, which im unable to upload because the IT blockades prevent me in my quest to do so.

HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL THAT PEPPA?! (now with video!!)

dude.

i have a feeling that im the onliest one in this fan club, but SNL’s Uno’s Pizzeria sketch from saturday?  JEEZUS.  lol i laughed SO HARD.  and it’s hard to laugh when you’re at war with yourself and your general sensibilities, as i was during the entire thing. 

i dont have a link to any video of the sketch (if somebody out there has it pleeeeeease drop the link in the comments!  ive been searching everywhere & back), but it basically captures a scene of a completely eccentric & all around weird Uno’s Pizza waiter in a doo-rag and (i think?) some kind of kmart athletic jersey.  he’s a little rotund, can’t stop twirling the strings of his doo-rag, and is very sensitive to the smell of pepper, as is evidenced in his constant chattering abt it.

the waiter has a really funny down south/midwest flamboyant “black” accent (as much as one can “sound black,” he does).  he introduces himself to his table (michael phelps, who is a gotdamn horrific actor and should stay his ass in the damn water and shut up forever, and um… kristen wiig?  that other new girl who’s name i cant remember?  i dunno, some brown haired girl) by saying:

‘hello, my name is (whatever his name was) and i will not be yo server tonite.  I WILL BE YO EVRYTHANG.’

LOL.

later he asks the guy:  ‘CAN I ASK YOU A SECRET?!’ and then later, in the middle of their conversation, which was in no way about pepper, he stands up and yells, “HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL DAT PEPPA!??’

my description is way ineffective and if u didnt see it ur prolly not laughin right now.  hell if u DID see it, you may notta laughed.  of all the ppl ive talked to abt it, im the ONLIEST ONE who found it funny.  i dont get i!  well yeah, i kinda get it.  when the sketch started i was disgusted because this is the guy who was shouting about the stage in an uber thick blaccent:

can he ask you a secret??!

can he ask you a secret??!

mhmm.  white as a lily dipped in marshmallow cream.

so of course, a white guy impersonating/characterizing a black person or black culture, generally, treads a fine, fine line.  as soon as i saw him in that damn doo-rag and heard him speak, i decided not to like it.  but yo.  shit was funny to me, i dunno what else to say. 

that’s new cast member bobby moynihan, by the way.  he’s a former member of the famed Upright Citizens Brigade, and as of yet i can’t decide if he’s a funny guy or if he just lucked out with the pepper man.  time will tell.  this + the palin sketch were the highlight of the night for me.

did i mention that phelps the only time phelps shld try his hand at acting is by acting surprised when he wins swim meets?  he’s ass.

also, little wayne’s guitar solo?  LMAO.  i wish i had video of that, too.  these clips have to be out there somewhere.  somebody help meh!

UPDATE!!  we have video!!!!  thanks to DR & Adouble for giving us the links!  i will have both of your babies!!!

FF to the 2:20 mark:

my favorite commercial of the moment + bonus!

OH NO YOU DIH-IHN!

+ BONUS:

an awesome timewaster.  go beat someone to death with a handbag!  its fun!

top 10 gray heads in the game

consider this my official proposal to begin a nationwide–nay, WORLDwide movement to stress the ultimate sexiness of a man (or woman, but due to my own biases, this will be about men) with a headfull of gray hair. i love gray hair. i hope that i go totally and completely gray when it’s my turn. im already workin on it; i got a streak of gray behind my ear that i have lovingly named Elvira. we’re gonna take over the world. watch.

i sat and thought about all the gray headed men who tickle my fancies, picked my 10 favorites and ranked them as best i could. im gonna go ahead and say straight up that there is a SEVERE lack of melanin in this list. i want us to do something about that. BLACK/BROWN MEN: EMBRACE YOUR GHOSTLY FOLLICLES. let that goatee get frosty! it’s okay! maybe we should make a rap song about it. “frosty.” uhh, uh huh, yeah… oh.. yeah yeah 1-2-1-2.. im FRAWSTAAY! im FRAWSTAAAY! havin ice on my pinky just wasnt enough, im FRAWSTAAAY! a-so FRAWSTAAAY! so i iced out my chin too, n!gga, im TOUGH!”

yes? no? i’ll work on it and get back to you.

anyway, without further achoo, let’s get this sexytrain rollin, shall we?

Who he is:  an emmy-nominated actor who has graced the stage, film, and television.  he got his start as Dr. Jackson on the medical drama St. Elsewhere and went on to star in some pretty notable flicks, including The Rock, The Green Mile, and 16 Blocks.  he’s 54 years young, married with 3 kids & (I think?) lives in Philadelphia (w00t!)

Why he’s hot:  i have a feeling i may be alone in this; i get ridiculed for my weird crushes all the time.  i think he’s adorable though.  my motivation here is kind of biased too, i admit:  i fell in love with Morse when i saw him in one of my most favorite movies ever (even though i can’t watch it anymore cause it makes me cry), The Green Mile.  he was so sweet in that movie!!  that earned him a special place in both my heart and loins.  also, he’s 6 foot 4.  rrrraaaawwr!!

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