Monthly Archives: September 2008

HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL THAT PEPPA?! (now with video!!)

dude.

i have a feeling that im the onliest one in this fan club, but SNL’s Uno’s Pizzeria sketch from saturday?  JEEZUS.  lol i laughed SO HARD.  and it’s hard to laugh when you’re at war with yourself and your general sensibilities, as i was during the entire thing. 

i dont have a link to any video of the sketch (if somebody out there has it pleeeeeease drop the link in the comments!  ive been searching everywhere & back), but it basically captures a scene of a completely eccentric & all around weird Uno’s Pizza waiter in a doo-rag and (i think?) some kind of kmart athletic jersey.  he’s a little rotund, can’t stop twirling the strings of his doo-rag, and is very sensitive to the smell of pepper, as is evidenced in his constant chattering abt it.

the waiter has a really funny down south/midwest flamboyant “black” accent (as much as one can “sound black,” he does).  he introduces himself to his table (michael phelps, who is a gotdamn horrific actor and should stay his ass in the damn water and shut up forever, and um… kristen wiig?  that other new girl who’s name i cant remember?  i dunno, some brown haired girl) by saying:

‘hello, my name is (whatever his name was) and i will not be yo server tonite.  I WILL BE YO EVRYTHANG.’

LOL.

later he asks the guy:  ‘CAN I ASK YOU A SECRET?!’ and then later, in the middle of their conversation, which was in no way about pepper, he stands up and yells, “HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL DAT PEPPA!??’

my description is way ineffective and if u didnt see it ur prolly not laughin right now.  hell if u DID see it, you may notta laughed.  of all the ppl ive talked to abt it, im the ONLIEST ONE who found it funny.  i dont get i!  well yeah, i kinda get it.  when the sketch started i was disgusted because this is the guy who was shouting about the stage in an uber thick blaccent:

can he ask you a secret??!

can he ask you a secret??!

mhmm.  white as a lily dipped in marshmallow cream.

so of course, a white guy impersonating/characterizing a black person or black culture, generally, treads a fine, fine line.  as soon as i saw him in that damn doo-rag and heard him speak, i decided not to like it.  but yo.  shit was funny to me, i dunno what else to say. 

that’s new cast member bobby moynihan, by the way.  he’s a former member of the famed Upright Citizens Brigade, and as of yet i can’t decide if he’s a funny guy or if he just lucked out with the pepper man.  time will tell.  this + the palin sketch were the highlight of the night for me.

did i mention that phelps the only time phelps shld try his hand at acting is by acting surprised when he wins swim meets?  he’s ass.

also, little wayne’s guitar solo?  LMAO.  i wish i had video of that, too.  these clips have to be out there somewhere.  somebody help meh!

UPDATE!!  we have video!!!!  thanks to DR & Adouble for giving us the links!  i will have both of your babies!!!

FF to the 2:20 mark:

my favorite commercial of the moment + bonus!

OH NO YOU DIH-IHN!

+ BONUS:

an awesome timewaster.  go beat someone to death with a handbag!  its fun!

top 10 gray heads in the game

consider this my official proposal to begin a nationwide–nay, WORLDwide movement to stress the ultimate sexiness of a man (or woman, but due to my own biases, this will be about men) with a headfull of gray hair. i love gray hair. i hope that i go totally and completely gray when it’s my turn. im already workin on it; i got a streak of gray behind my ear that i have lovingly named Elvira. we’re gonna take over the world. watch.

i sat and thought about all the gray headed men who tickle my fancies, picked my 10 favorites and ranked them as best i could. im gonna go ahead and say straight up that there is a SEVERE lack of melanin in this list. i want us to do something about that. BLACK/BROWN MEN: EMBRACE YOUR GHOSTLY FOLLICLES. let that goatee get frosty! it’s okay! maybe we should make a rap song about it. “frosty.” uhh, uh huh, yeah… oh.. yeah yeah 1-2-1-2.. im FRAWSTAAY! im FRAWSTAAAY! havin ice on my pinky just wasnt enough, im FRAWSTAAAY! a-so FRAWSTAAAY! so i iced out my chin too, n!gga, im TOUGH!”

yes? no? i’ll work on it and get back to you.

anyway, without further achoo, let’s get this sexytrain rollin, shall we?

Who he is:  an emmy-nominated actor who has graced the stage, film, and television.  he got his start as Dr. Jackson on the medical drama St. Elsewhere and went on to star in some pretty notable flicks, including The Rock, The Green Mile, and 16 Blocks.  he’s 54 years young, married with 3 kids & (I think?) lives in Philadelphia (w00t!)

Why he’s hot:  i have a feeling i may be alone in this; i get ridiculed for my weird crushes all the time.  i think he’s adorable though.  my motivation here is kind of biased too, i admit:  i fell in love with Morse when i saw him in one of my most favorite movies ever (even though i can’t watch it anymore cause it makes me cry), The Green Mile.  he was so sweet in that movie!!  that earned him a special place in both my heart and loins.  also, he’s 6 foot 4.  rrrraaaawwr!!

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tranny tv! ANTM + IWW4D

i tried so hard to watch the RNC last night, but i couldn’t because of two main factors:  1 – republicans make my booty itch (in a bad way), and 2 – cycle 11 of ANTM premiered!  but i do have to admit.. it was mostly b/c republicans make my booty itch.

i did catch palin’s speech though, and can i just say.. that heffa got a SMART MOUTH (note:  white people, that doesnt mean the same a “articulate;” its not a good thing when a black person says that)!!  maaaan im sittin there listenin to her and im just thinkin to myself, let me be in a room and she slick talkin *MY* boo like that.  im waitin for her ass outside near the rear exit cause we gon have some things to discuss. 

so anyway, i spent the majority of last nite’s RNC coverage watching the premier of america’s next top model.  say what you will about tyra banks, but she turned out a banger of a show.  each season/cycle/whatever is always interesting; you get a dose of competition, several opportunities to scream ‘WORK IT, BITCH!!’ at your TV, and a good helping of real world drama in every episode.

this season promises plenty of drama (in addition to the beef to come with the requisite smalltown girl who’s never seen a black person in real life before) with the inclusion of the show’s first ever (and reality TV’s third or fourth ever, if my score card is right, which it probably isnt) transgendered model.  this is isis:

now. is she the prettiest?  no.  ive probably seen prettier trannies in the gayborhood on 13th & locust (haay philly!).  actually no, not here.. but in the internet webs at least.  still, she showed last night that she can take a damn good picture and because of her story, she’s really easy for anyone living in the margins of society to relate to and empathize with her.  so ive dubbed her one of my favorites so far.

my other starting faves:

elina –  dont know how likeable she will be, but i think she’s gorgeous.  her picture last night was awesome.

marjorie – omg.  cutest.  thing.  EVER!  she’s so unassuming and sheltered and awkward with the tiniest hint of foreign!  i just wanna put her in my pocket and say ‘aww, it’s okay, pigeon.. the world is not so scary as it seems.  so shut your freakin face about it already.’  then i will give her a cookie.  no, a biscuit.  she is french.  french people eat biscuits, right?  not cookies.  id give her a biscuit.

sheena – i actually didn’t want to like sheena.  i think the whole ‘look at me, i got a black girl attitude and that’s hot because im not black’ thing is played and annoying.  but somethin in her kinda makes me feel like she fell out the womb snappin her neck and craning her fingers somehow.  plus, she seems really, really likeable.  i approve!

analeigh – she’s one of the prettiest girls there, i think.  the jury’s still out on her attitude and likeability though.. i cant remember, but i feel like  she was one of the ones goin at isis too.  if so, you are SOO off this list, young lady!  you gon leave my boobear alone!

and i already had an ‘ooooh wee im glad that bitch is GONE!’ moment with the first elimination.  this canyon-mouthed broad STAYED with somethin slick to say abt isis, talkin bout she cant win, introducin herself to the judges as america’s next top model.  and oops, what happened:  end of the show, isis is chillin in the back holdin her picture while yo ass is collapsed on the floor cryin because you suck.  girl, boo!  bitch, bye!

so yeah.  since making the band 18 is failing to hold my attention these days, i think this will be my trashy reality show of the season.  even ‘i love money’ is starting to fall off my radar.  gotta say i didn’t see that comin.

i do kinda keep my eye on ‘i want to work for diddy’ though.  i cant remember if ive mentioned it here or not; i dont think i have.  the show is cool.  it doesnt make me feel pressed to dish about it every week.  i did mean to make a comment abt the last episode i saw though; the one where they made the viral videos?  well.  in case you’ve been living in a soundproof cage, you should know that there’s also a transgendered young lady on that show as well, by the name of… laverne?  is that right?

well, the contestants were split into two teams and given the task of making a viral video for diddy and blah blah blah.  so laverne is on camera interviewing somebody or something, and one of the dudes kept saying

we need you to be more tranny!

i need more tranny than that, baby, come on!

you gotta tranny it up for me a little more!

and here’s where laverne lost points with me, because she didnt yank that dude up by the collar and ask him wtf he meant by that.  lol i mean come on!  if a whtie director had him on camera and kept tellin him to ‘be blacker!  i need some more ghetto from you!’  he’d be on the phone tryna get jesse and al marchin in the streets!  and. laverne just went along, shuckin and jivin.  boo to you, missy. 

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yoooooooooooooo

wooooooooooooow (c) flavor “raisin covered in bacon grease” flav

guy who shldnt be allowed to procreate of the day

it’s okay!  rabies tickle!!

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