because, ladies and gaydies, at long, long last, light-skinded men are coming back in style. hooray!
this comes after the delicious, delicious appointment of barack “sexy casserole” obama and more recently, his appointment of caramel cream colored Eric Holder as Attorney General today.
now, granted, he is no where near touching the all-eclipsing sexiness that is barack o-damn-he’s-fine-bama. but i mean, i dunno. if he lost the 80s porn star stache and maybe got a tight little fade goin? maybe? we could work with him then? i dunno. its tough when this man is your competition.
at any rate, Holder’s sexiness isn’t the real point, nor is his porn stache (& thank bob for that). this is a big day for the light skinned penis-having contingent of this great nation! everybody knows that when wesley snipes stepped on the scene and malik yoba (he used to be fine, yall remember?) & morris chestnut swooped in as reinforcements, light skinned dudes have kinda been on the back burner. oh and then djimon hounsou came along and that was IT. what actually did it for me, though, was the 4 years i spent in college. as ive mentioned, i went to pretty much the whitest school ever created, and while there i became absolutely hungry for ANYTHING black. so when it came to men, it was the blacker the better for me. i wanted to be able to put my head on his chest and hear fuckin… sahara war drums beatin, nahmsayin? i wanted to be able to lick this dude and taste the diaspora. i needed to be able to just.. just damn, hold his hand and feel the souls of a thousand cotton plants livin in them shits, you know?? that’s how *I* crossed over.
but this aint about me. let i refocus.
light skinnnit dudes, it’s lookin up! yall crawlin back in the spotlight! with wesley’s dumb ass goin to jail and denzel’s prose unable to save him, and with a few more appointments like this, yall might end up on top again!
i wanted to see how light skinnnedned men around the nation felt about this, so i pulled some strings and talked briefly with a few well-known folks in the black community. in a B.mc.P Exclusive, i will now share those conversations with you. first up: Morris Day.
Morris Day: ain’t no thang, Appollonia, aint no thang at all, my lil sugarfoot! AH-HAW-HAW!
B.mc.P: um… i’m not–
MD: JEROME! bring my my mirruh!
B.mc.P: …right. well i just wanted to ask you very quickly–
MD: SQUAWK! halluhloooyuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh
B.mc.P: alright, i’m out.
next: Heavy D.
Heavy D.: a diddley-diddley-diddley-diddley-diddley-deeeeeeeeeeeeee
B.mc.P: HA! that’s awesome! it’s so dope i got to hear that, live and in person! okay, to get started, i was just wondering–well, firstly, i assume you’ve been following the election closely, as we all have, right?
B.mc.P: ..heh, yeah, that’s cool, Heav. but yeah, i was wondering how–
B.mc.P: screw this, i’m out.
and finally, Bizzy Bone of Bone Thugz-n-Harmony:
Bizzy Bone: in the name of our lordandsaviorjesuschrist HOW YOU DOOOOOIN??
B.mc.P: hey, man.. im good. how are you, you alright?
B.B.: you know what i mean man, when the, the slobber goin down yo cheek, you nahmean, and the NECTAR GOIN DOWN YO NECK, AND THEY AINT GOT NOTHIN TO SAY!! THEY AINT GOT NOTHIN BUT LOOOOOOOVE
B.mc.P: ..did you vote?
B.B.: you know how it is, you drink a lot, you black out. holla. *abruptly stands, begins electric sliding, and muttering about jesus and money in a demonic voice*
B.mc.P: …i dont feel safe, im out.
so, as you can see, that shit went to hell very quickly. i tried though. wtf else do you want from me?