hi! it’s me, brokey. i was just in your store a couple weeks ago. bought a neat new cover for my couch, and a really nice entertainment center that was a bitch and a half to put together, and a bunch of things for my kitchen. i spend lots of money at your store. but honestly? you finna fuck it up and lose all my dollars. here’s why:
i flat out do not approve of these commercials you got spreadin around with that creepy lady creepin all up in people’s spots just bein creepy. like, why? is that what’s gonna happen when i get some ikea shit? she gon appear in my bed talkin crazy? IN MY BED???
for real, this is like burger king creepiness. whoppers are tasty enough for me to tolerate waking up to the burger king though. i think i’ll quit ikea before i come home to Sister Jenkins layin out on my couch in her sock feet watching me with a knowing smirk that says: ‘ …..uh-HUH.’
hell no, ikea. hell no.
ps – the instructions included with that entertainment center were SO SCREWED UP. i totally had to figure out like 4 omitted steps by myself! i almost said ‘fuck it’ and made a squirrel house. but i hate squirrels so i went ahead with it anyway. lucky for you i am a genius and it worked out.