wtf, ikea?

dear ikea:

hi!  it’s me, brokey.  i was just in your store a couple weeks ago.  bought a neat new cover for my couch, and a really nice entertainment center that was a bitch and a half to put together, and a bunch of things for my kitchen.  i spend lots of money at your store.  but honestly?  you finna fuck it up and lose all my dollars.  here’s why:

im gon give you herpes with my mind!

"i'm gon give you herpes with my mind!"

i flat out do not approve of these commercials you got spreadin around with that creepy lady creepin all up in people’s spots just bein creepy.  like, why?  is that what’s gonna happen when i get some ikea shit?  she gon appear in my bed talkin crazy?  IN MY BED???

for real, this is like burger king creepiness.  whoppers are tasty enough for me to tolerate waking up to the burger king though.  i think i’ll quit ikea before i come home to Sister Jenkins layin out on my couch in her sock feet watching me with a knowing smirk that says:  ‘ …..uh-HUH.’

hell no, ikea. hell no.


ps – the instructions included with that entertainment center were SO SCREWED UP.  i totally had to figure out like 4 omitted steps by myself!  i almost said ‘fuck it’ and made a squirrel house.  but i hate squirrels so i went ahead with it anyway.  lucky for you i am a genius and it worked out.

5 responses to “wtf, ikea?

  1. you know what, if it wasnt an older black woman id be creeped out too, but its impossible for me to be creeped out by an older black woman when they’re all my grandmom.

  2. i think this is all apart of ikea’s new incentive to increase nightlight sales. we’re all gonna need one.

  3. Ikea instructions are wack juice. But allegedly there is an online site that helps translate Ikea directions. I have no linkage for you though, only the promise of easier directions.

  4. Reason #2 I’m glad I don’t have cable. Reason #1 actually being the Burger King.

  5. Venida Evans the actress in the Ikea commercials is a fantastic talent. The commercials are sophisticated and appeal to an intellectual base . Persons who are mature and learned enough to undertand their message , appeal and nuances. She’s physically gorgeous and her delivery is on target. Ikeas commercials are diverse, inclusive , non ageist and non sexist. Ikea your products are fantastic! I applaud you and the commercials creator.

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