‘deadliest warrior’: modern day race wars with the killiest motherfuckers in history.

so here’s largely what  brought me out of my hiatus.  i would not be a good person if i didn’t tell each and every person possible about the best television show i have seen in a really, REALLY long time.  like on some serious shit, it’s like in my top 5 favorites of all time.

deadliest warrior‘ premiered on spike tv earlier this month.  i wasnt hipped to it until its second episode, which aired earlier this week (it premiers tuesdays at 10, then re-runs wednesday at 11) and omg.  ive already made plans to cancel my entire life tuesdays at 10 as long as that’s the time slot.

random aside + true story:  when i was first being told about this show by a friend, i thought he said ‘deadliest LAWYER.’  first i was confused, then i got kind of excited as i imagined a man in a business suit draped in ammo and machine guns bustin up in a courtroom yellin all kinds of terrible hearing/death cliches, like:  ‘i object–TO YOU BEING ALIVE!’ or ‘you want to live?  OVERRULED!!’ and then he starts shootin all crazy while opera plays and doves fly out of nowhere.  i was actually a little disappointed when i heard the title correctly, but once i heard what the show was about i was even MORE excited than i was at the thought of a bloodthirsty lawyer!

the premise of the show is this:

take 2 of the most fierce warriors in history and ask yourself who’d win.  then, proceed to determine who’d win by giving a rundown of said warrior’s war tactics, the weapons they used, and demonstrate the use of said weapons by bringing in experts who are usually directly descended from the warriors in question.  the power of the weapons is demonstrated on a poor inanimate sap lovingly called Joe Torso, who is essentially a torso made of materials to replicate the density of human flesh and bone, complete with a skull and organs filled with  fake blood.

so the warrior descendents attack Poor Joe with the actual weapons their ancestors used and the effectiveness/damage is measured with high tech, state of the art computer simulation software.  in the end, all the data is entered into the computer, and the computer decides who would win a matchup between the two, and the answer is revealed in a choreographed mini-movie fight between the two warriors.

if your theoretical panties aren’t dripping with excitement right now, there’s something wrong with you.  this is ALREADY the most awesome show ever!!!!  but it gets even more enticing!  ‘how so?’ you may be asking yourself.  i’ll tell you how so:

RACE WARS!! that’s how so!!!

man lemme tell you.  on multiple occasions, i thought the fighting experts that they bring onto this show were gonna come to actual blows using the death-bringing instruments in the studio.  lol.  these are some PROUD people, and fortunately for us viewers, they are also often batshit crazy.  they have a lot to prove, and the shittalking that they employ whilst proving it is awesome and at times very unsettling.

batshit apache dude.

take, for example, the first episode, which pitted the Apache warrior against the Roman gladiator.  demonstrating the gladiator’s weapons (which were soooooooo fucking badass, btw.. two words:  spiked.  boxing gloves*.  OMG!) is famed MMA fighter Chuck ‘The Iceman’ Liddell.  demonstrating the apache’s weapons (which were also very badass, but almost eclipsed by the absolute general insanity of the apache fighter) is some slightly creepy, totally batshit apache guy.  the entire episode is up on both youtube and spike tv’s site, and i’ll link it later, but first i want to recount for you some exchanges between batshit apache guy and Chuck, as well as the doctor who is there to examine the wounds sustained by poor Joe:

scenario 1:

apache guy has just demonstrated how he would split your fucking skull by throwing tomahawks at you.  Chuck (or possibly someone else, i cant remember) replies:

‘throwing your weapon?  hah!  that’s so hollywood!  you’re gonna throw your weapon??  you better have good aim with that thing, cause once you throw it, you’re done!’

to which batshit apache guy calmly and cooly responds:

‘an apache will never throw all his tomahawks.  he will save the last one to take your head off.’

like, i felt a chill in the air after that.  i then turned around to make sure there wasn’t an apache standing behind me with his last tomahawk in his hand, just to be safe.

scenario 2:

batshit apache guy has just filled poor Joe Torso with arrows.  he and the doctor approach Joe to examine the wounds.

doctor:  okay!  let’s start with this one here, this is pretty devistating.  this one actually went between the ribs, and that’s significant because:

batshit apache:  HEY HOW ABOUT THIS ONE HERE? (points to an arrow in Joe’s neck)  TOOK HIS THROAT OUT.

doctor:  ….yes.  well, this one is an instant killer, and what it does–


lol!!!!  like i really think he wanted Chuck and friends to die, all in the name of his apache honor.

samurai: we wear our weaves *outside* our hats so we look fly while killing the shit out of you.

and i have a feeling that this will be every show.  the second episode pits viking against samurai and the tension in the air was so thick u could cut it with a katana.  and they tried.  several times.

overall, i dont understand how anyone could not be riveted by this show.  only two episodes in, and ive become well versed in ancient killing tools (did u see my flippant, casual use of ‘katana’ up there??), learned that i really, REALLY need a cestus and a kanabo, seen a man shoot out another man’s eyes with arrows with impeccable precision, and learned that the goal of the viking was to die in battle so that he may fight along side his gods.  it’s got it all!  education, unintentional humor, drama, spurting fake blood, unbridled violence.  what else do you need??  maybe i should point out that im a blood and guts girl.  and a history nerd.  if you’re not into either, you won’t be as geeked.

but if you’re not into either, why are u even alive?  kill urself.

watch deadliest warrior, tuesdays at 10!!  here’s a list of this seasons matchups, and your eyes are not deceiving you–that really does say William Wallace vs. motherfucking Shaka Zulu.  next up though:  pirate vs. knight.



*okay that was three words, my bad.  im too excited, i can’t count numbers right now!!!

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8 responses to “‘deadliest warrior’: modern day race wars with the killiest motherfuckers in history.

  1. this may just be the most brilliant post ive read on a blog EVER! im going to watch your show (even though i am disappointed that its not deadliest lawyer, even after your kickass description of the show) because your excitement is contagious! im glad its not TB!

  2. Oh man, I’m so sick I can’t watch this show. As soon as I get back I’m looking out for it though. You should have done the promos for the network, I’m sure more people would watch given your review than whatever crap they put out to pub it.

  3. *New to the site*

    Wow! That was a kick-azz post. And I saw the previews for the show and thought it would be cool, but after reading that I must hear/see batshit crazy apache dude.


  4. shatani – YAAAY!! you HAVE to tell me how you like/dislike it. but please know that if you dislike it, i’ll have to distract 5 e-friendship points from your tally. nothing personal, of course. i really think you’ll like it though. and um… let’s u and me get on writing that ‘deadliest lawyer’ pilot. i feel like it needs to happen!

    nakia – never fear! you can watch eps online at youtube (they’re broken up into a million parts) and at spiketv.com! u just reminded me that i forgot to put up links; watch me forget to do it again later. lol

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  6. Well you’ve got me sold. I’m currently adding it to my DVR right now through my computer.

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  8. I’ve been addicted to this show for about a month now. I’ve been telling all of my guy friends to watch (cuz the girls just wouldn’t understand…). You really made my day with this blog!!!!

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