okay so i was outta town when i saw the pirate vs knight episode of the deadliest warrior. i wanted to do a review like, immediately afterward, but i cldnt because my mom’s computer is a dinosaur and there was no one to steal internet from in her neighborhood. how lame.
anyway though, i caught the show (of course) and… i dunno how i feel about it, man. i mean when i heard abt the matchup, i instantly wanted the pirates to win. cause i mean come on. pirates are AWESOME. knights are all clunkin around in all that armor and gallopin on fruity little horses and shit. totally not gangster. plus, pirates had guns and absolutely no honor whatsoever! guns + no morals = omg! i also figured that in a fight against anyone else, the knight was at a disadvantage because of that damn armor. seems like itd be difficult to get around in, no? and unless you’re fighting someone else who’s encased in the same shit, well, they can move faster than u can and they have the upper hand.
turns out i was right about some things and i was wrong about some things. at the end of the show, i felt very confused inside cause i dont know that the winner should have won. spoilers after the jump!
so in the end, the pirate won. now i should have been happy about that, but after seein the knight’s awesome weapons and the pirate’s rather sissified weapons.. i dont know if that should have happened.
true enough, the pirate had guns, but we need to be reminded how much pirate guns sucked back then. they really sucked; aim was often inaccurate and unpredictable, and they only had one shot, essentially. after u shoot, u gotta load up again, and after you shoot at and miss a knight who is charging at u with a fucking lance on a really big horse, i dont think you’d choose to kneel and re-up at that point. the musket thing they fired at an armored Joe Torso put a nice dent in his metal, but didn’t penetrate. big whoop.
the pirate weapon that did impress me though was the blunderbuss. it was pretty much a dirty bomb in a barrel and would spray whatever you put in it; nails, broken glass, swine flu, whatever u have laying around that could do some damage. the particles projected from the blunderbuss actually did get thru the knight’s armor, but i dunno. the knights had some pretty badass weapons that i didnt know existed, the coolest and deadliest of which being what i like to call ‘HOLY SHIT DID U SEE THAT??!’ but is commonly known as a morning star.
yeah, it’s pretty much a ball of spikes on a stick. when they hit the dummy with this the first time it completely split his skull. when they hit it a second time, it split the rest of his skill and came out of his gotdamned mouth. dude! wtf!! how awesome is that!!??! u HAVE to see it.. please go to the website and watch the ep; i’d splice and put the vids up myself if i could. but oh man. OH MAN. it was amazing.
that’s why i was confused when in the final battle, the pirate took not one, but
*two* blows to the head with one of those babies. reminder: pirates didn’t wear armor. moral of the story: yeah fucking right! you not walkin away after one of those kisses you’re bare scalp not once, but twice. impossible.
from what i remember of the final skirmish, it was really illogical. the knight pretty much whooped the pirates ass for the bulk of the dance, then at the end he like falls on his back and cant get up b/c of that heavy ass armor (WHICH I TOLD YALL WAS GONNA HAPPEN!) and then the pirate crawls over to him, lifts his mask, puts his musket barrel directly in his eye and pulls the trigger, which was really, really freakin gangsta. i did enjoy that part. but overall, man, i dunno.
i think the knight should have gotten that one.
tonite! yakuza vs the mafia! who yall got? i think im still deciding… i know the mob was pretty freakin lethal, what with their penchant for cuttin off ur balls and sendin em to ur new widow and whatnot, but if i may be stereotypical for a moment here, them yakuza folk might could have some kickass samurai ninja tendencies floatin around in they blood. might put em over the edge!
tune in tonite @ 9! recap tomorrow!