sooooooo. this week’s deadliest warrior. yakuza vs the mafia. i dont really know what i was expecting given what i know about the two groups, and here’s what i know about them: they use guns. lots and lots of guns. i felt like there was a good possibility that this episode wldn’t be quite as cool as the others because i mean, i know what guns do. they shoot into motherfuckers. where is the coolness for me to learn?
my initial prediction had the yakuza winning because let’s face it. them cats know martial arts and shit, meaning that they can likely kick your ass with or without weapons. definitely without. plus the mafia was really brazen with their attacks and didnt really give a shit about wettin up a party in broad daylight across the street from a police statement, which could suggest a bit of a tactile deficiency. plus stereotypically speaking, when i think of japanese fighters, i think ninja-like stealth and samurai-like logistics. brains + guns + martial arts + ninjasamurai brains = yakuza wins!
i changed my mind more than twice as the episode wore on tho, and in the end, i felt satisfied with the winner.
plus, we reached a milestone last night! for the first time in Deadliest Warrior history, one of the demonstrations guys had to be held back to keep from kickin the other one’s ass! YES!!
warning! spoilers after the jump!
let me also say that last night they did me a favor and employed some fairly tasty lookin dudes to show how they’d kill the shit out of me if they ever needed to. i mean im not sayin id buy them a fish sammich if i saw em on the street or anything, but i must admit, the killiness quotient definitely ensures that id attempt a booty grab at the very least. they’re up at the top of this entry; guy on the left is the mafia guy, guy on the right is the yakuza guy.
so in the middle of the show, seemingly unprovoked, yakuza guy like, picks up his nunchauks and starts to head towards the mafia dude. like out of nowhere. lol his friend had to grab his arm and pull him back, and if ive ever wished i had tivo before, that was it. no idea what set him off. im predicting that by the end of this season, there will be at least one maury-style skirmish where production will have to come out and pull a cat o’ nine tails out of somebody’s hands. and MAN am i looking forward to that day!
anyway. the discussion began with brief histories of the groups. the mafia was mad up of immigrants who had to band together to grow and stay strong. the yakuza was fighting for… control of public records? wtf? im pretty sure that’s what they said. i dont get it. must be some pretty important records if u need to run around shootin bitches over em for years upon end.
i learned that the mafia’s guns were WAY more badass. the yakuza used a
pretty neat lookin automatic machine gun that did as much damage as the mafioso’s tommy gun, but omg. the tommy gun is far more dramatic. like, if the yakuza’s gun was an actual person, it wld be a ninja. the wounds it leaves are small and relatively bloodless, but definitely deadly. it wld creep into your home, serve you some poisoned pufferfish or somethin, then creep out of the room and boom. you dead in a few seconds. the tommy gun tho? if the tommy gun was an actual person, it would first walk into your living room and set up a small makeshift stage. it would then gather your family around the stage and sing a delightful song about how he’s about to kill the shit out of you and everything you love. then, he’d walk around to each individual, tell them they look fat in their jeans, stuff a grenade in their mouths, and bogle on the front lawn screaming ‘OH YEAH! OOOOHHH YEAAAAAHHH!!!’ as they all go off. the difference was ASTOUNDING. the tommy gun left blood everywhere. everywhere. when you walk in and find a bunch of ppl slumped over and little tears in their clothes, you may leave with the impression that if they had just moved to the left or to the right, they cld have survived the wounds because come on, they’re not that bad. tommy gun? turns the whole floor red and says plainly: you are going to die so hard that even your ghost is gonna die with you. no contest. tommy gun all the way.
in addition to being an awesome gun show, we are also shown how the mafia took everyday weapons and turned them into deathstruments, like the ice pick and baseball bat. baseball bat makes plain sense but omg. ive decided that i need an icepick now. id be fucking invincible if i had an icepick. i think its the smooth way they used it in the show, just walked up to somebody, put an arm around them, smiled, and slid that bitch smooth & clean into the nape of their neck. WHAT!? instant, gangster ass death. the yakuza had a buncha marital arts stuff that i personally found scary, like nunchauks and those little pitchfork lookin things.
but somehow someway, all that just wasnt as cool as the simple methods and instruments of the mafia. yakuza is far flashier and wld make for an awesome movie. the mafia just wants u dead. baseball bat to the head. icepick to any of your important vital organs. tommy gun to your everything. story’s over. mafia wins!
overall i dug this episode. i’ll dig any and every episode they have, im sure, but if i had to choose between the modernity of this particular matchup and battles between ancient warriors, i think the ancient warrior battles are more interesting. speaking in terms of like, even tactical matchups, mafia vs yakuza makes more sense, as the fighting cultures arent all that different and the era is the same, but there’s just somethin mystical a bout seein an apache warrior plant an arrow in a gladiator’s throat. the lack of logic between such a matchup makes seeing it on the screen feel like a dream come true to a little nerdgirl like me.
that being said, green berets vs spetsnaz next week! 10 pm! i dont know enough about the spetsnaz just yet to place my bet, or the green berets either for that matter, but im thinking this matchup will be awesomer than the mafia/yakuza. we’re talkin military tactics now, and we all know that all batshit craziness is fair in love & war, right? PARTY TIME EXCELLENT!!