another tuesday, another night filled to the hilt with blood, guts, and killin shit. who could ask for anything more?!
last night we saw the green berets of the good ol US of A battle it out with the russian spetsnaz. two sercret police forces that go thru rigorous training and no doubt require a certain degree of mental insanity if one is to become a success. and by ‘become a success’ i mean kill lots of motherfuckers before you yourself get a grenade shoved into one of your orifices. or retire. whichever comes first.
now i personally find the matchups featuring hand-to-hand combat to be the best shows. cause i mean, i dunno. if u put a gun in my hand, i’ll be pretty deadly. but put me in a ring with an apache? it’ll be a MIRACLE if i get out of there with my life AND my scalp. you know what i mean? i hear a lot of people say that this episode and the yakuza vs mafia episode weren’t all that great. i can see that reasoning. that being said, i found last night’s ep to be pretty freakin awesome.
i was very interested in who would win this episode; there’d been some buzz and speculation abt a western/american/generally white bias when it comes to DW winners. ironically, at the beginning of this episode, the dr is asked who he’s putting his money on, and he blatantly says ‘im goin with the americans, because that’s my hometown.’ first thing i thought was ‘how is all of america your hometown? u caint be from EVERY state, dummy!’ and the second thing i thought was ‘wow, they aint even tryin to hide it!’
so i figured id keep my eye out during the show, and ultimately decided that american hometown allegiance didnt interfere with fair judging and analysis.
spoilers ahead! dont say i didnt warn u!
last night, we saw real spetznas & green beret instruments of death wielded by real spetsnazes and green beretses. i was instantly terrified of the russians. sometimes the only thing scarier than someone who is completely off-the-rocker crazy is someone who has no emotion at all. these guys were cold as ice & left a greater chill. im talkin bout, i dont even think they had tear ducts. if u put a gun to their heads and said ‘cry right now or i’ll shoot you!’ they’d prolly take the gun from u and do it themselves since u’d prolly fuck up and not do it right anyawy. im tellin u, them cats was hard. im talkin bout.. one of the dudes had the big buff host, i cant think of his name, but the one who’s always in those little ass muscle shirts… he had him punch him hard in the stomach. repeatedly. repeatedly means over and over and over again. this russian nutjob never so much as flinched. that’s when i knew the green berets had better be just as batshit as them, otherwise the outlook aint so good.
here’s your spoiler: the spetsnaz wins. and the reason they won? really awesome gadgetry, a lack of human emotion, and the most insane combat training ive seen in awhile.
these dudes beat the shit out of each other before they hit the battlefield and begin to kill the shit out of the rest of the world. they said that it’s not rare at all for soldiers to die in training. omg. and get this! those cats train in pools of human blood, to get them ready for and desensitize them to the actual horrors of wars. if that aint some movie shit, i dont know what is.
what i really dug about the spetsnaz is that in the middle of killing you, they’ll stop and bust out some ballerina moves. dead ass serious. like dude was runnin around shootin up targets and in the middle he does like a tuck & roll and does a backflip and never even stops shooting! it was amazing, and potentially unneccessary! the americans were baffled. they were all, ‘well, it looks sexy, but wtf?’
as far as weapons goes, they were pretty much even in type. rifles. machine guns. pistols. grenades. generally the spetsnaz had better guns, including a semi-automatic that literally blew the entire chest out of one of the dummies. but the REAL gems came during the special weapons category: the russians had the ballistics knife, and the americans had what is essentially a mutant shovel of death, known also as an e-tool.
e-tools are basically little shovels used to dig holes in shit. they have conveniently been modified to split a person’s skull and disembowel a person’s bowels. omg, what this thing did to poor Joe Torso was NASTY. one swipe and his skull was split completely open. i REALLY wish i cld put up some pictures right now. soon, hopefully. interesting fact + foreshadowing: after the russians saw what the e-tool did to the dummy, one said: ‘is nothing. wound like that, we can still run a mile, maybe two.’
….yeah. scary as shit.
the ballistic knife is basically a dagger-like knife that the russians can use to kill u in close hand to hand combat, until u manage to break free of their deathly grasps. it is then used to shoot the gotdamned blade at u as u run away, thereby ending the silly thought that u can outlive a spetsnaz attack.
im tellin u man. if theyda given it to the green berets, there would have been JUST cause to call all kinds of american bias, cause they didnt stand a chance.
for good measure, here’s another shot of that backflipping spetsnaz hatchet attack.
next week brings us back to good ol hand to hand combat. im SO EXCITED!! shaolin monks vs. the maori. thanks to my nerd studies, i already knew that the maori were flippin insane, but apparently shaolin monks will pluck your eyeballs out of your face with fucking toothpicks, which i did NOT know. cant wait!!!