deadliest warrior shaolin monk vs maori recap

monkmaori

this blog isnt about me, but id like to tell you a little bit about myself.

i was born and raised in louisville, ky and raised by a single mother.  she and i look a lot alike, and as i grew older i discovered we have a lot of the same talents.  i started writing poetry when i was 8 years old up until i was about 18.  somewhere in between then, i found a book that my mother used to keep as a young woman.  on the pages were poems she had written by hand for years.  writing is pretty much the only thing id really shown a passion for as i went through school, and by the time i hit high school, it was pretty much assumed that whatever i would end up doing in life would involve writing.  first i wanted to be a published and famous poet.  then a playwright, and now.. novelist?  screenwriter?  i dont know yet. that’s why i started this blog, to keep me writing something, anything, until i figure it out.

but to hell with all that shit now yo.  i want to be a fuckin SHAOLIN MONK!!!!

i totally fell in love with them last night.  i mean i already knew they were awesome, but i think in my head they were just like these little cute guys who knew some form of martial arts but used them more so for like, street performances and such.  their moves always looked pretty as opposed to instilling fear in me.  no, these dudes will kill the life out of you.  or at least they can.  they prefer not to, but holy son of a bitch, they will.

going into this matchup i knew little abt both groups, but i knew that the maori were brutal.  and i mean we saw one bite the throat out of an opponent in the re-enactments.  they also liked to scare the shit out of u, too, hence the tattooed faces and the yellin and the screamin and whatnot.  oh, they were cannibals too.  see this face?

hi!  these are my tonsils.  AND YOUR GRAVE!!

hi! these are my tonsils. AND YOUR GRAVE!!

they opened their mouths and stuck out their tongues to say ‘after i kill u, im going to eat you, and u will be able to do nothing about it seeing as how you’ll be dead.  nyah nyah!”  ..yeah. all that coolness considered, i still wanted the monks to win.  just cause they’re so freakin cute!!  all the jumpin and the ‘hi-yaaah!’in and the splits in the middle of a move for seemingly no reason.  precious!

spoilers (eventually) after the jump!

after they gave a quick overview of the weapons to be used,  i thought it was a bit of a lopsided matchup.  the monks had some REALLY kickass steel weaponry goin on.  the maoris’ weapons were essentially wood and jade.  and teeth.  that’s not to downplay their power of course, cause they had some amazing weapons, but come on.  i dont care who u are, a wooden spear can only do so much against a sharpened steel blade.

and speaking of sharpened steel blades.. i need two of these NOW.

these are the motherfreakin twin hooks, officially ranked in my book among the killiest weapons ive seen thus far this season.  they offer many different avenues for the grand trip to death.  use the blades on the back as a sword.  use the sharpened ends as daggers.  use the hooks to disembowel at will.  its nice to have a choice, right?

i actually saw a lot of really cool stuff that they didnt talk abt on the show, which reminded me of zero’s critiques from the yakuza/mafia episode.  i also remember him bringing up how the evaluations never account for defensive moves and counter attacks; poor Joe Torso is just sittin sedentary  gettin his ass whooped all around the block while the offender is lookin like the baddest thing ever created because he’s plucked out his eyes with these babies.  no, really.  he plucked them eyes smooooth out with one end.  THEN, he turned the piercers around, went bat shit, and see that down there on the right?  that’s what was left.

again.. i feel like (with a few push ups) i could prolly maybe do that if im

I CAN'T SEE SHIT

I CAN'T SEE SHIT

promised that the poor sumbitch on the business end of my piercers wont have arms.  but still.  in. sane.  lol dude was MAD.

now the maori had some awesomness too, and for awhile i actually thought they were going to get it.  they often used your everyday household sea creatures to make weapons, such as the barbs from a sting ray’s stinger (remember what one did to poor steve irwin?) and the teeth from a deadly man devouring shark.  but i think my favorite was the mere, a club made of jade passed down from the ancestors.  literally; look how old this dude is.  that’s a mere he’s holding.  and he’s OLD, like.. steve burns old or some shit, i dont know.  point is, this pretty little thing crushed the entire holy living hell out of a bull’s skull.  note:  bull’s skulls are twice as thick as human skulls.  one blow.

skull

but alas, the shaolin monks reigned supreme. im still not too sure how fair a matchup this was weapons wise, but even beyond that, the monks kick more ass.  and look like poetry whilst doin it.

NEXT WEEK!  A RACE WAR I CAN FINALLY TAKE A PERSONAL STANCE ON!  AFRICA VS WHITE PEOPLE!  SHAKA ZULU VS WILLIAM WALLACE!  u already know whose side im on.  I DO THIS FOR MY CULTURE!!!!

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5 responses to “deadliest warrior shaolin monk vs maori recap

  1. TRACY!!! 🙂 hi

    i thought the episode was solid, though i gotta say i thought Maori was gonna take it….

    and omg, im so excited for the next two episodes im going to type ALL IN CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

    SHAKA ZULU VS WILLIAM WALLACE!!! I CANT FUCKING WAIT TRACY! SO E X C I T E D!!!

    AND THEN THE NEXT NEXT WEEK IS IRA VS TALIBAN!!!!!

    OMG!

    i love your recaps tracy.. you’re hilarious gurl
    🙂

  2. Im sorry, I dont care who can kick whos ass, Maori’s are hot as fuck! Whoooo! Thank you.

    L

  3. i had never actually heard of this show until i read about it on your blog, so imagine my delight when it just happened to come on while i was watching television with my best friend, who also had never heard of the show.

    me: “duuuuude, brokey mc…..brokebroke was talking about this show, and she’s effin’ hilarious, we gotta watch this”.

    friend: “………”

    i totally thought the maoris had it, they won like all but one challenge! i was already prepared to be super blowed, since i love shaolin monks (maoris are rad too, but me and the monks have history, i punched one in the stomach once and nearly broke my hand). the “scientific” findings kept assigning optimal killiness to the maoris tho, how the hell do they actually decide? still, i must extend my gratitude: because of you, if an apache, gladiator, viking, samurai, spartan, ninja, pirate, knight, yakuza, mafioso, green beret, spetznaz, shaolin monk, maori, henry cele & mel gibson all walk into a bar, right, i now know whose girlfriends not to hit on.

  4. I freakin’ love this show! Besides the fighting styles and gore you always get to see the men all testosteroned up acting as if this is a real battle.

  5. I like the show because its really entertaining, but i hate it because its not factual or in anyway, scientific.
    Thing about this episode specifically, only 2 Maori weapons were actually Maori, the others were Hawaiian. Taiaha and Mere were the Maori, Stingray and Sharktooth were not Maori, they dont use spears, a Taiaha is a Quarter staff made as strong as steel(Fire and Sand Tempered)
    And for the Monk, 3 were Wushu weapons, not Shaolin. Emei Piercers, Hook Swords and Chain Whip were never used by Shaolin. Gun(Staff) was the favorite weapon.

    Also, unfair? 3 Maori weapons outclassed 2 of the Shaolins Steel weapons.
    The Mere did what the Emei Piercers could do in half the time and effort. 1 strike, no skull. Infact, a Mere has actually destroyed a Cannon in the battle of Pou Outpost.
    The Taiaha(Like a Quarter staff or a Broad sword) did something the Monk staff couldn’t, kill.
    It did the same thing, was just as fast and versatile, but was more powerful.

    So yeah :D.
    btw, Shaolin training, nothing to Toa(MAori Warrior) Training. Absolutely nothing.

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