possibly the most awesome book ever.

eliyzabethholy  balls!!  i cant even remember what delicious path of light and luck i was travelling down when i stumbled upon this gem but, omg.  this shit is marvelous for several reasons, which i shall detail to you right here and right now.

1.  the title. this book is called BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!  just like that.  all capital letters.  think im lyin?  look up there at the book cover.

2.  the cover. between everything being written in capital letters, and my  girl’s hair and outfit, its safe to say that the only thing that can make this cover any better is ninjas and unicorns.  also, i dont know if u can see it, but beneath that lovely picture is a little by-line that gives u a hint to the goodness to be had once you compose yourself enough to get past the brilliance of the cover and actually open the book:  MANY FALSE CHRIST MARRIAGES ARE LIVING ON BIRTH CONTROL AND NOW LEADING THE AMERICAN CHURCH WEALTH!  o shit!  u see that exclamation point?  its about to get real!

oh also i should point this out… dont let the early 90s bumper curl fool you.  this book was published in 2008.

3.  the entire book is written in capital letters. i shit you not.  look at this screenshot:

text

told you!

4.  holy shit, did you read any of that??! so im still not too sure what this book is about, perse, but the main idea is that birth control = bad.  also bad:  proper punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and common sense.  THE FOCUS OF A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES IS NOW: **HOW CUTE A PASTOR WIFE CAN DRESS FOR THE CHURCHES IMAGE. <– that’s an actual excerpt from this book.

5.  it costs $138 motherfucking dollars. and the USED ones cost even more! if it sucked, would it cost so freakin much?  i think not.

6.  the customer images. thankfully, a good majority of amazon.com users are assholes.  go take a look at the images that reviewers of this book uploaded.

7.  the customer reviews. remember when i said that a good majority of amazon.com users are assholes?  omg.  just freakin look:

3.0 out of 5 stars THIS THE BOOK IS A FASCINATING READ and also I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH!!, May 22, 2009
By Suzanne C (Vienna, Va) – See all my reviews

Is birth control sinful in Christian marriages? How can I convince children to avoid becoming priests, thereby robbing God of much needed pre-teen evangelists? Philosophers have been debating these questions for centuries!!

Finally, someone has had the courage to answer both of these key questions in one single tome. The answers are “yes” and “don’t, unless you want to get smited,” respectively.

Buy this book!! It would be a bargain even if not for a generous 10% the discount and also free the shipping.

A five-star book, but minus one star for wasting capital letters (we’re in a recession — come on!) and minus one more star for the hairdo. Sorry, but at $150 a pop, you shouldn’t need to sell many copies of this book to be able to afford a good stylist, honey. That’s THREE STARS! Not bad!

5.0 out of 5 stars GREAT READ!!!!!!!!, May 11, 2009

THIS BOOK IS FANTASTIC! IT HAS MADE ME REALIZE JUST HOW MANY PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN I HAVE ROBBED GOD OF. I HAVE THROWN AWAY ALL OF MY CONDOMS AND REPLACED ALL OF MY GIRLFRIEND’S BIRTHCONTROL PILLS WITH TIC-TACS SO THAT WE WILL NO LONGER BE CONSIDERED SINNERS. THANK YOU ELIYZABETH, YOU HAVE SCREAMED SOME SENSE INTO ME.

CAN I PURCHASE THIS BOOK FOR THE KINDLE? AND WILL IT BE ELIYZABETH SCREAMING THE BOOK TO ME?

5.0 out of 5 stars I’VE FOUND THE LIGHT WITH MY CAPS LOCK KEY, March 12, 2009
By G. Foster (Gville) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

WHENEVER I ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE CAPS LOCK KEY IN THE PAST, A LITTLE LIGHT WOULD COME ON. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT LIGHT WAS JESUS TRYING TO GET AT MY BRAIN. BUT ONCE I LET HIM IN AND BURNED ALL MY BOOKS AND CONDOMS, I REALIZED THAT THE ONLY CHRISTIAN WAY TO WRITE IS IN ALL CAPS. OTHERWISE THE HOLY SPIRIT WON’T GET ACROSS TO ANYBODY!

THIS IS A FANTASTIC BOOK BUT MY BOOKSHELF IS A BIT SPARSE AS AFTER READING IT I BURNED ALL MY OTHER BOOKS, INCLUDING THE BIBLES AS THEY WERE WRITTEN PARTIALLY IN LOWERCASE LETTERS, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, THE DEVIL’S RUNES. CAN ANYONE RECOMMEND ME A GOOD ALLCAPS BIBLE?

5.0 out of 5 stars INSPIRING., March 11, 2009
By kayte “kayte” (los angeles, ca) – See all my reviews

I SEE NOW THAT MY NON-PREGNANT WAYS ARE AN ABOMINATION. I AM NOW PREPARING TO FORGET ALL ABOUT MY MASTER’S DEGREE AND GIVE UP MY CAREER, SETTLE DOWN WITH A MAN IN FORCED MARRIAGE, AND COMMENCE BABY FACTORY ACTIVITIES.

i’m gonna end this by giving you some advice:  my birthday is april 29th.  if you, during that time, feel the need to spend $135 on the *perfect* gift for me… DO NOT GET ME THIS BOOK. thanks in advance!

Advertisements

11 responses to “possibly the most awesome book ever.

  1. So she’s yelling at me the whole book, and she’s working with a title that can’t possibly fit on the binding? Gold!

  2. I am totally cracking up. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I’m gonna buy it and focus my pedagogy around it…

  3. 8. WHAT DO PEOPLE BUY AFTER VIEWING THIS ITEM?

    36% buy Watchmen
    18% buy Pinocchio
    16% buy Sleeping Beauty
    15% buy Venture Bros: Season 3

  4. You forgot to mention the fact that it is 648 fucking pages long.

  5. WHAT?! LOL!!

    How does this stuff become real? What world am I living in? I quit you, America, for real.

    And why is she Billy Mays-ing me throughout the book? The all caps are for what? So she can really get her point across? Is she trying to scare knowledge into your brains? Who published this? What stores distribute this?

    The world may never know.

  6. squeeg's android clone also named squeeg

    I can’t stop laughing.

  7. Pingback: Odds & Ends | What Would Thembi Do?

  8. “THIS BOOK MAY BE REVISED: BECAUSE OF COMPUTER DICTATORS”

    oh. my. goodness.

  9. I LAUGHED SO HARD, I CRIED! CAPSLOCK FTW! ASHE, U RAWK! ROTFLMAO!

  10. AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA. HA. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAAHAAAHA. THE DEVIL’S RUNES HAHAHAHAHAHA.

  11. LOL! You can’t make that shit up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s