ridiculous moments in new jack swing

johnny

the new jack swing obsession continues!

maybe im getting old, but given the bullshit that’s passing for r&b these days, im ready to declare the late 80s/mid-early 90s the new golden age.  today im escaping from the absolute utter madness of what has become my everyday life enjoying some me-time, and have a playlist of NJS stuff (defined here if u need it, for some odd reason) that ive been playing while i get my uber feminine girlness on, and i noticed… there was a lot of ridiculous stuff that happened in/with/concerning these songs and their artists.  i made mental note of a short list, and in no particular order the winners are (this will be a long one, but at least it will be full of good music for u to listen to):

1.  michel’le’s speaking voice.

i dont care who u are, it just dont make no damn sense.  AWEOSOME singing voice, full, rich, powerful.  i still wish she was recording today.  and maybe she is and i just dont know it.  dont blame me, blame the machine.  at any rate… she sounds like a little kid and i just dont understand it.  i thought for the longest that we were being mili vanilli’d again but nope.  real deal.

i found this interview on youtube and even i cant say with full confidence that her speaking voice hasn’t  been edited.  i mean i know its high and insanely squeaky but even this seems a little too much.  but in the vid that follows, the one for her song ‘nicety,’ i can say for sure that the speaking she does there (check the 0:55 and 1:30 marks) is actually her.

fun fact:  she has a daughter fathered by the notorious, batshit suge knight.  this means that she had sex with suge knight.  and survived!  she’s also suing him for child support.  takes a real woman with huge balls to do either of those things successfully.

2. brownstone’s lead singer has flip-top head.

fliptop

omg.  when i was younger i wanted to be a singer when i grew up, and i used to sing brownstone‘s song’s HARD, like i wrote them myself and would spontaneously combust if i did not scream them as loudly as i could at least once a day.  i love them.  gorgeous voices, awesome songs.  and pretty!  those girls were gorgeous!

but damned if the lead singer couldnt yawn and inhale a mac truck.

3.  mary j+ k. ci = splitsville 😦

alright, so im all for people bettering their lives, cutting out toxic people and things, gettin off crack, and all that jazz.  but ive said this here before, and though it sounds harsh, i stand by it… sometimes i wish we had cracked-up mary back.  its true!  i do!!   man, im sorry, but there aint no mary j blige like what’s the 411/my life mary j blige.  i happen to think that as a singer she’s just okay, but back then she was sangin. as well as she ever has.  now?  bleh.  she’s all happy and sunshiney all the damn time.  sometimes you want some grit!  some pain!  the kind of grit and pain that only crack and lookin at this man everyday can give you!

I LOVE THIS DAMN SONG.  see?  sometimes u just need to hear about that kind of crazy, obsessive, self-destructive love.  happy mary is runnin round with broom-straw wigs, makin up words like dancery and holleration and doin silly wheelchair dances (1:59 mark) in her videos.

(disclaimer: i really am glad she aint killin herself no more, i just want her to be happy, yaddah yaddah, blah blah.)

4.  gerald levert writes song about sex for 15 year olds.

if this song is included in the new jack swing era, it’s coming in on the tail end.  in 1995, a very young, nubile 702 teamed up with an equally young subway to sing a song called ‘this little game we play.’  allow me to share some of the lyrics with you:

I’m thinking about ya
Everyday
Got me feeling kinda freaky
Girl why you wanna leave me that way
Ooooh(come on)
Talk is cheap(yeah)
Lets get right to it (ooh baby)
Let the fun and games begin
Boy I'm ready to do this
Girl I want you to stay
So we can play this little game we play,
You go hide,
And I will seek
Let me be the one
To make you weak

so.  as earlier stated, this song was written by gerald levert.  when the song came out, lead singer kameelah williams was 17 years old, and the youngest girls in the group, twins irish and orish, were 15.  im not sure how old the guys were but.. does it really matter?  its already creepy beyond comfortability. and when u watch the video, those little tiny faces in the midst of all that pubescent grinding and thrusting… just gets creepier.

i sang the hell out of this song tho.  still do.  :/

bonus ridiculousness:  the note that our lead singers hit at the end of the extended version of the song, around the 4:15 mark.  ….no.

5.  shai’s remix:  sexygross!


omg.  i was SO IN LOVE with garfield from shai, so much so that i put his picture up here and said ‘screw the rest of the group!’  i admit, this was in the midst of my lightskinned-man phase.  he was just so fine, all golden brown and shimmery under that ill-advised 90s s-curl.  YUM!  so naturally, i was a big fan of their music, and luckily, they actually made some really good stuff.  if we’re the same age, then this is the song that all the lil boys who thought they could sing sang in all your middle school talent shows.  its still one of my favorite songs originally performed by a group that i enjoy singing by myself (“AAAAAND IFFF I EEEEEV–eveeeeer fall–IN LOOOOOVE A–agaaaaaiiiiiin).

im surprised to find that not many people i know remember the remix though.  i seem to remember it being called like ‘the wet remix’ or somethin slutty like that, and back then im sure it set my little 10 year old loins ablaze, but in retrospect?  lol.  omg.  its terrible!  the harmony seems drunken and off, and all the moans and the sleezy instrumentals goin on in the background.. just not a good look.

tell u what tho, get me in a hotel room alone with garfield today with this song playin in the background and id get down to it just like some barry white.

unfortunately, i cant find the remix on youtube, but you can listen to a snippet here.

6.  aaron hall’s ‘don’t be afraid’:  inappropriate from beginning to end.

this pretty much speaks for itself.  i will supply excerpts of the rapiest lyrics and a  link to the song.  you may supply your own outrage/disgust/’wtf’ faces.

When I lay you down tonight
Ask me to hold you tight
Everything will be alright
Don’t be afraid, baby
When you start to spread some home
And your parts are gone, gone
Let it happen right now

Don’t be afraid, girl

(wait… when my parts are gone??  WHERE ARE MY PARTS GOING?!)

Now I have you all to myself
To put the other guys all on the shelf
No need to run and no need to hide
All the doors are locked baby and I have you inside

You can yell, you can hit me
It just makes me horny
Ain’t nothing but a love thing baby
Between me and you
So just give in baby, don’t worry about a thing

(the doors are locked?  why are the doors locked, aaron hall?  and why does my hesitance to be okay with this situation make you horny??!  NOT OKAY!)

it doesnt get any better from there.

7. here we go again’ plunges into ‘wtf’ness.

yall remember that song ‘here we go again’ by portrait?  bangin song, right?!  but what are they talkin abt in the middle of it?

Climb a mountain (what mountain)
Swim a sea (what sea)
See what I mean? (no)
I don’t know but I don’t want to get too deep
Oh oh oh…
Here we go again

….what?

8.  johnny gill’s singin faces.

blu cantrell (heh!  remember her?) once said that she makes those weird faces when she sings because singing is not a pretty art (um, excuse me but my beautiful boo garfield and i will disagree with you there).. sometimes its rough and gritty and can contort your face just as it can contort your soul (but jennifer holiday agrees here).  maybe that’s why johnny gill made them faces he did?

i happen to think that he just has wonky lips that he can’t control very well.  whatever the case, they are ridiculous all the same.

johnny

9.  shanice marries a homeboy from outer space.


this really doesnt have anything to do with music aside from the fact that shanice, as we should all know, had some bangers in the new jack swing era.  it also wouldn’t surprise me if nobody else gave a damn about  this, but its important to me because i have a severe dislike of flex, the man she married.  i just can’t look favorably upon someone who consents to being part of a show called ‘homeboys in outerspace.’  its just like the way i blacklisted the entire cast of soulplane in my life (except for you kevin hart.. i dont know how you escaped, but somehow you survived and are still in my good graces).

freakin flex??  come on!!  you can do so much better!

10.  SWV = christian artists?!

and to finish off the list, id like to put on display for you my own stupidity.  the song ‘weak’ by SWV was one of my faaaaaaavorite songs ever.  i even loved the knockoff version that my local radio station did as a promo (thaaat explains why i loooooove WGZBeeeeee!).  but as i grow older and look back on all these songs, im noticing that in a lot of the stuff i used to sing… i didnt know what the blue hell the artists were saying and have, for a good decade, been singing the wrong words.  ‘weak’ is one such song.  the part where coco sings ‘resistance is down when you’re around/pride’s fading?’  remember that?

i thought she said:

‘resistance is down when you’re around,/Christ baby’

i was like OMG this song is about Jesus??!??!?!

silly me.  :/

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10 responses to “ridiculous moments in new jack swing

  1. WTF? I always thought he was saying “You can yell, and you can hit me. It’s just making me horny.” Which is FAR worse than what you have… Maybe I’m just sick.

  2. lol i think youre right.. i cut and pasted the lyrics from another site. not my fault!! ill fix it. thanks for creepin up the post even more!

  3. LOL at the jawn with the big mouf.
    Man, this took me back…

  4. Wow! You have me in tears. LOL

  5. What fun!

    Re: 2. brownstone’s lead singer has flip-top head.

    The side-by-side, separated at birth pic is fantastic! LOL

    Re: 3. mary j+ k. ci = splitsville

    I have a few fantasy cover songs floating around in my head. One of them is to hear MJB & K. Ci cover Womack & Womack’s “Baby I’m Scared of You.” Alas, it’ll never happen.

    Re: 7. ‘here we go again’ plunges into ‘wtf’ness.

    Loved. This. Song!

    Re: ridiculous moments in new jack swing
    July 30, 2009 in entertainment, music, videos

    the new jack swing obsession continues!

    maybe im getting old, but given the bullshit that’s passing for r&b these days, im ready to declare the late 80s/mid-early 90s the new golden age. today im escaping from the absolute utter madness of what has become my everyday life enjoying some me-time, and have a playlist of NJS stuff (defined here if u need it, for some odd reason) that ive been playing while i get my uber feminine girlness on, and i noticed… there was a lot of ridiculous stuff that happened in/with/concerning these songs and their artists. i made mental note of a short list, and in no particular order the winners are (this will be a long one, but at least it will be full of good music for u to listen to):

    1. michel’le’s speaking voice.

    i dont care who u are, it just dont make no damn sense. AWEOSOME singing voice, full, rich, powerful. i still wish she was recording today. and maybe she is and i just dont know it. dont blame me, blame the machine. at any rate… she sounds like a little kid and i just dont understand it. i thought for the longest that we were being mili vanilli’d again but nope. real deal.

    i found this interview on youtube and even i cant say with full confidence that her speaking voice hasn’t been edited. i mean i know its high and insanely squeaky but even this seems a little too much. but in the vid that follows, the one for her song ‘nicety,’ i can say for sure that the speaking she does there (check the 0:55 and 1:30 marks) is actually her.

    fun fact: she has a daughter fathered by the notorious, batshit suge knight. this means that she had sex with suge knight. and survived! she’s also suing him for child support. takes a real woman with huge balls to do either of those things successfully.

    2. brownstone’s lead singer has flip-top head.

    omg. when i was younger i wanted to be a singer when i grew up, and i used to sing brownstone’s song’s HARD, like i wrote them myself and would spontaneously combust if i did not scream them as loudly as i could at least once a day. i love them. gorgeous voices, awesome songs. and pretty! those girls were gorgeous!

    but damned if the lead singer couldnt yawn and inhale a mac truck.

    3. mary j+ k. ci = splitsville

    alright, so im all for people bettering their lives, cutting out toxic people and things, gettin off crack, and all that jazz. but ive said this here before, and though it sounds harsh, i stand by it… sometimes i wish we had cracked-up mary back. its true! i do!! man, im sorry, but there aint no mary j blige like what’s the 411/my life mary j blige. i happen to think that as a singer she’s just okay, but back then she was sangin. as well as she ever has. now? bleh. she’s all happy and sunshiney all the damn time. sometimes you want some grit! some pain! the kind of grit and pain that only crack and lookin at this man everyday can give you!

    I LOVE THIS DAMN SONG. see? sometimes u just need to hear about that kind of crazy, obsessive, self-destructive love. happy mary is runnin round with broom-straw wigs, makin up words like dancery and holleration and doin silly wheelchair dances (1:59 mark) in her videos.

    (disclaimer: i really am glad she aint killin herself no more, i just want her to be happy, yaddah yaddah, blah blah.)

    4. gerald levert writes song about sex for 15 year olds.

    if this song is included in the new jack swing era, it’s coming in on the tail end. in 1995, a very young, nubile 702 teamed up with an equally young subway to sing a song called ‘this little game we play.’ allow me to share some of the lyrics with you:

    I’m thinking about ya
    Everyday
    Got me feeling kinda freaky
    Girl why you wanna leave me that way
    Ooooh(come on)
    Talk is cheap(yeah)
    Lets get right to it (ooh baby)
    Let the fun and games begin
    Boy I’m ready to do this
    Girl I want you to stay
    So we can play this little game we play,
    You go hide,
    And I will seek
    Let me be the one
    To make you weak

    so. as earlier stated, this song was written by gerald levert. when the song came out, lead singer kameelah williams was 17 years old, and the youngest girls in the group, twins irish and orish, were 15. im not sure how old the guys were but.. does it really matter? its already creepy beyond comfortability. and when u watch the video, those little tiny faces in the midst of all that pubescent grinding and thrusting… just gets creepier.

    i sang the hell out of this song tho. still do. :/

    bonus ridiculousness: the note that our lead singers hit at the end of the extended version of the song, around the 4:15 mark. ….no.

    5. shai’s remix: sexygross!

    omg. i was SO IN LOVE with garfield from shai, so much so that i put his picture up here and said ’screw the rest of the group!’ i admit, this was in the midst of my lightskinned-man phase. he was just so fine, all golden brown and shimmery under that ill-advised 90s s-curl. YUM! so naturally, i was a big fan of their music, and luckily, they actually made some really good stuff. if we’re the same age, then this is the song that all the lil boys who thought they could sing sang in all your middle school talent shows. its still one of my favorite songs originally performed by a group that i enjoy singing by myself (”AAAAAND IFFF I EEEEEV–eveeeeer fall–IN LOOOOOVE A–agaaaaaiiiiiin).

    im surprised to find that not many people i know remember the remix though. i seem to remember it being called like ‘the wet remix’ or somethin slutty like that, and back then im sure it set my little 10 year old loins ablaze, but in retrospect? lol. omg. its terrible! the harmony seems drunken and off, and all the moans and the sleezy instrumentals goin on in the background.. just not a good look.

    tell u what tho, get me in a hotel room alone with garfield today with this song playin in the background and id get down to it just like some barry white.

    unfortunately, i cant find the remix on youtube, but you can listen to a snippet here.

    6. aaron hall’s ‘don’t be afraid’: inappropriate from beginning to end.

    this pretty much speaks for itself. i will supply excerpts of the rapiest lyrics and a link to the song. you may supply your own outrage/disgust/’wtf’ faces.

    When I lay you down tonight
    Ask me to hold you tight
    Everything will be alright
    Don’t be afraid, baby
    When you start to spread some home
    And your parts are gone, gone
    Let it happen right now
    Don’t be afraid, girl

    (wait… when my parts are gone?? WHERE ARE MY PARTS GOING?!)

    Now I have you all to myself
    To put the other guys all on the shelf
    No need to run and no need to hide
    All the doors are locked baby and I have you inside
    You can yell, you can hit me
    It just makes me horny
    Ain’t nothing but a love thing baby
    Between me and you
    So just give in baby, don’t worry about a thing

    (the doors are locked? why are the doors locked, aaron hall? and why does my hesitance to be okay with this situation make you horny??! NOT OKAY!)

    it doesnt get any better from there.

    7. ‘here we go again’ plunges into ‘wtf’ness.

    yall remember that song ‘here we go again’ by portrait? bangin song, right?! but what are they talkin abt in the middle of it?

    Climb a mountain (what mountain)
    Swim a sea (what sea)
    See what I mean? (no)
    I don’t know but I don’t want to get too deep
    Oh oh oh…
    Here we go again

    ….what?

    8. johnny gill’s singin faces.

    blu cantrell (heh! remember her?) once said that she makes those weird faces when she sings because singing is not a pretty art (um, excuse me but my beautiful boo garfield and i will disagree with you there).. sometimes its rough and gritty and can contort your face just as it can contort your soul (but jennifer holiday agrees here). maybe that’s why johnny gill made them faces he did?

    i happen to think that he just has wonky lips that he can’t control very well. whatever the case, they are ridiculous all the same.

    Re: 9. shanice marries a homeboy from outer space.

    Okay. I can’t believe Shanice beat me too it. I’d had my eyes on Flex ever since he was a back up dancer with Salt & Pepa. Didn’t know who he was, just knew he was hot.

  6. lmao! You know…I saw singing a lot of songs about sex when I was kid. No wonder my ass is all types of screw up. Remember that S.W.V. song, Downtown? I thought they really meant downtown philly. Little did I know. And that Subway song used to be my shit. Didn’t notice the meaning behind that song either. And that Aaron Hall song…well my sister made me catch on to those creepy ass lyrics but I still like the song. See, I’m going to hell in a hand basket. Ahh…the good ol’ 90s…or as you called it, the New Golden Age.

  7. Pingback: Ridiculous Moments In New Jack Swing. « PostBourgie

  8. Pingback: ridiculous moments in r&b, part 1 «

  9. Pingback: Ridiculous Moments in R&B, Part 1. « PostBourgie

  10. Since I ignore my RSS reader like a deadbeat dad, I totally missed this until catching the laink from PostBourgie.

    I live for this shit.

    http://www.vibeconductor.com/blog/2008/08/09/that-new-jack-swing-joint-pt-1/

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