the 5 saddest christmas songs ever in life

hello, sugar plums!  part of me feels i should apologize for the erratic/sporadic updates as of late.  it’s holiday christmas season time, and my imaginary ADD is kickin in somethin fierce.  but really… things are always erratic/sporadic here, so i guess this isn’t anything new.  nonetheless, i apologize.

now!  given that it’s time to deck them halls and all that jazz, ive been singing and humming christmas songs more and more frequently.  i loooove christmas.  and christmas songs.  they’re so happy and cheerful and fun and heart-warming.  something that i have never ever understood in the history of my 27 years is the existance of sad christmas songs.  why??  why do we need those?  who said that was okay?  how would you like it if somebody busted up in your birthday party and started singing ‘tears in heaven‘ or ‘the drugs don’t work?’  im pretty sure that’s how Jesus feels when yall start with the sad christmas song singin (im sure he feels weird about everybody celebratin his birthday at the wrong time of year, too, but i digress).

i have no idea why people like sad christmas songs.  well, scratch that.. maybe i have a slight idea why.  i am a small, emo girlchild at heart with a penchant for seeing beauty in sad things.  example:  one of my favorite christmas memories of my adult life is being in a bar in the wee hours on christmas eve, like 3, 4 am (which i guess is technically christmas morning), listening to christmas carols and downing vodka & cranberries during a really, really stressful time.  ain’t shit happy about that scene.  but still, there was something really.. cinematic about it, i guess?  cause that’s some shit you see in movies.  and it usually involves a very drunk man in a santa suit sitting at the bar (i didn’t have one of those that night).  and it was fun to people watch and wonder what kind of somber sorrowful things brought the other bar patrons inside on that night.

nah.  i just liked it cause it felt like a movie.  i totally don’t understand sad christmas songs.

anywho, in no purposeful order, a list of songs that will drive me to drink bleach and/or slit my wrists if i so much as hear the opening cords this holiday season.

5.  Someday at Christmas- Stevie Wonder. i love me some stevie.  and i guess this song is supposed to be more hopeful than it is sad.   but there’s just something about this song that keeps it lingering riiiiiiight under the ‘inspirational’ mark.  thinking about and listing all the things that are wrong with the world kind of makes it hard to begin thinking about how great everything will be after all the sucky stuff is gone.  its kind of like catholic churches for me.  all of the catholic churches ive been in (all two of them) have had HUGE, very very graphic depictions of Christ dying on the cross.  in very, very visible spaces.  like, hovering right above the congregation.  i was so distracted.  i was like, how am i supposed to think about the goodness and the glory with Jesus dripping invisible blood right over my head??  this song does the same thing for me.  and the constant repitition of the phrase ‘someday’ makes it hard, too.  someday, someday, someday.  someday all the sucky stuff is going to end.  not only is ‘someday’ not now–we don’t even know when someday is.  so we’ll be stuck with the sucky stuff for an indiscriminate number of days/years/eternities.  he even stomps out all hope of someday being soon by saying at the end ‘maybe not in time for you and for me/but someday at christmastime.’

merry fucking christmas indeed.

4.  Happy Christmas (War is Over) – John Lennon. y’know?  listening to this song, i get the sneaking suspicion that John Lennon isn’t really all that excited about war being over.  or that war just really isn’t over.  he clearly went to the Stevie Wonder School of Christmas Song Writing and got an A in reminding everybody of how much things really suck.  looking at the title, you expect some kind of joy, right?  and i guess he tries, for what it’s worth.  he does sing, ‘a very merry christmas/and a happy new year/let’s hope its a good one’ and all that.  but i really feel like the following stanza:

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

…really doesn’t belong in a christmas song about war being over.  maybe it’s just me.  if i made a christmas song about war being over?  it would go something like this:

the war is over!
hip hip hooray!
now no one will blow up santa’s sleigh!
this is the best christmas ever!
im so so happy!
let’s go get some barbecue and get busy!

me > john lennon.

3.  Christmas Carol – Skip Ewing. this is one of those christmas songs that literally makes me violently angry when i hear it.  my mother and i have gotten into actual wrestling matches after ive tried to get to the radio to turn it off.  she LOVES this song.  it makes me want to die.  it really makes me want to die.

the song is about a little girl, aged 3 or 4, named Carol who has no parents.  she finds a guy playing santa claus at a mall or something on christmas eve, sits on his lap and asks for someone to take her home for christmas.

oh.  my.  god.  first of all, why is this three or four year old little girl wandering the streets ALONE??!  wtf!  and im sorry, but i feel some kind of way about a little girl sitting on a strange man’s lap and asking him to take her home.  or to find somebody to take her home, whatever.  and true enough, at the end of the song the man goes to find the little girl…i can only HOPE he adopts her and raises her well after taking her to his house.  but still.  too depressing (and child rapey) for my liking.

**note – DID YOU SEE HOW SAD THAT DAMN VIDEO WAS?!  this is what’s wrong with sad christmas music!!!!  it makes people do depressing things like this with their spare time!!!!!!!

2.  Christmas Eve Can Kill You – The Everly Brothers. …holy shit.  i’m just going to put the lyrics here.  they need no further commentary.

The winter's flaking snow is brushing through the pinewood trees
I stuck my hands down deep inside my coat
I think of years ago and half remembered Christmas trees
And faces that still warm me with their glow

The cold and empty evening hangs around me like a ghost
I listen to my footsteps in the snow
The sound of one man walkin' through the snow can break your heart
But stopping doesn't help, so on I'll go

And Christmas Eve can kill you
When you're trying to hitch a ride to anywhere

The icy air I'm breathin' is all that keeps me on my feet
I feel like I've been walking all my life
A car goes running by, the man don't even turn his head
Guess he's busy being Santa Claus tonight

The saddest part of all is knowing if I switched with him
I'd leave him stumblin' ragged by the road
I'd ride that highway to the arms of my sweet family
And forget about the stranger in the cold

And Christmas Eve can kill you
When you're trying to hitch a ride to anywhere

And as I walk I'm singin' to myself, Oh Silent Night
Hoping I can save those other souls
Oh, God forgive the man who drives right by the other man
Have pity on the stranger in the cold

'Cause Christmas Eve can kill you
When you're trying to hitch a ride to anywhere

i refuse to link the actual song here because i cannot and will not be held responsible for your resulting suicide attempts.  you’re welcome.

1.  Christmas Shoes – Newsong. i intentionally saved this song for the number one spot because it is simultaneously the saddest and most infuriating christmas song that i have ever heard in all of my life.  this is another song that my mom and i have come to blows over.  the last time we got into it, i ended up with a vaccuum cleaner cord around my neck (don’t ask).

i fucking hate this song with everything in me.  it’s about a kid out shopping for a new pair of shoes to give to her mother on christmas ever—BECAUSE SHE’S DYING AND HE WANTS HER TO LOOK PRETTY WHEN SHE GOES TO MEET JESUS.  I AM NOT KIDDING YOU.

oh, and at the end of the song?  the guy narrating the song is joined by an entire chorus of children singing about needing shoes for their dying moms.

this song makes me want to put acid in my ears and drown kittens.  NOBODY NEEDS THIS SHIT.


7 responses to “the 5 saddest christmas songs ever in life

  1. Your number one always has me bawling like mad. When I first heard it, I was like jeez come on people.

    Another one is called ‘Santa I’m right here’, it is about a man who finds a letter on the street. It’s from a little boy who wants Santa to know he’s still around. Because his Dad lost his job and they are living in a homeless shelter now.

    He even asks Santa to employ his Dad. It’s sung by Toby Keith.

  2. Now that #1 song makes me REALLY glad I don’t do the Xmas thing.

  3. BrokeyMcPoverty,
    I laughed at this selection.
    I got one to contribute!
    It’s from the Kinks (don’t worry if ya never heard of them, they’re an older whiteboy band; from England!)
    It’s called “Father Christmas”
    Here’s some lyrics:

    A gang of kids came over and mugged me
    And knocked my reindeer to the floor
    They said:
    Father Christmas, give us some money
    Don’t mess around with those silly toys.
    We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
    We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed
    Give all the toys to the little rich boys

    Nice, huh?

  4. i asked my mom yesterday, “what’s your favorite christmas song?”
    she proceeded to answer, “christmas shoes.”
    i’d never heard it until today.

  5. I would like to submit a late vote for “Another Lonely Christmas”. The title’s bad enough, but the soung just gets worse and WORSE as it goes on.

  6. your are literally silly than a mug

  7. I vote for Insane Clown Posse’s “Santa Claus Is A Fat Bitch.”

    Mwah. Murry Chrih-mah, Bro-kay.

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