so i recently noticed just how freakin close to christmas we’re getting. i love christmas. hands down one of my favorite times of the year. i love the feeling in the air, the jingle bells and all that jazz, the terrible christmas decorations. but most of all, i loooooove christmas music! so, ive decided that from now til christmas, we’re gonna have a christmas bonanza! all christmas talk, all the time (or at least whenever i get around to updating, lol). one thing i wanna do is discuss some of my favorite/unfavorite christmas carols individually in a christmas carol spotlight type of feature. first up, ‘baby, it’s cold outside.’
…i hate this damn song.
i think what makes me angriest about it is that we’ve all been hoodwinked into thinking it such a simple, sweet, clever, cozy little ditty. oh, yeah. crank it at your christmas parties. sing it with your sweet, innocent little children in the car on the way to mee-maw’s house. choreograph a funny little number to perform at your office christmas party. let it be known, though, that YOU ARE DANCING TO DATE RAPE.
oh yeah!!! didn’t even notice that didja?? this is the most date rapinest ass christmas song ever invented! YOU listen to the song and hear, ‘aw, how sweet, this guy really likes this girl and doesn’t want her to leave, so he’s using the weather as an excuse for her to stay with him!’ *I* hear this song and think, ‘OH MY GOD, THIS MAN IS A PREDATOR.’ he’s pretty much feeding her roofinol the whole song. it’s shameful. just look at the lyrics! (male’s part after the dashes)
I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside
This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour
translation: him- ‘hey, baby. you can stay here. don’t worry. i am a dependable caretaker. see? i’m keeping your hands warm to comfort you and gain your trust. also, DRINK THIS. ah, do you like the music? it’s a new record i just bought SERIOUSLY, DRINK THIS.
The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight
To break the spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
translation: her- ‘no, really, i need to get going, and i really need you to respect my wishes to OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK??!’
I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh darling, it’s cold outside
This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm – Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Never such a blizzard before
translation: her- ‘NO MEANS NO! NO MEANS NO! WAIT! wait i feel tingly. i want to fight you off but my faculties are compromised! nooooooo!’
him- *unwanted kisses and sexual advances*
I’ve got to go home – Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
Say, lend me your coat – It’s up to your knees out there
You’ve really been grand – I thrill when you touch my hand
But don’t you see – How can you do this thing to me?
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow – Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied – If you caught pneumonia AND DIED [editor’s note: holy shit!!]
I really can’t stay – Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
translation: her- ‘seriously, this is wrong. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE. I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS.’
him- ‘BITCH I WILL KILL YOU.’
see? see what you’ve all been jamming to?? may sweet Baby Jesus forgive you all.