obscure r&b album covers of the day

so i guess its safe to say that r&b is becoming the underlying theme of this blog.  which is fine with me.  as long as asinine people keep stepping into studio, i’m not against discussing where they went wrong.

i got an early christmas gift today when my very good friend donnie gave me the link to a blog full of the most random, dated r&b that i’ve never heard of in my life.  the possibilities contained therein are ENDLESS.  i predict many more discussions on r&b coming from that link alone.  so you may thank him for this.

in no particular order, since they’re all equally ridiculous:

1.  Renaizzance – Intimate Thoughts

first, a question.. why did everybody feel the need to spell shit the wrong way?  ‘hello, ladies and gentlemen, we are Peaches and Cream, only it’s spelled PeichezzZ aynd Kriem beause we’re craft and clever.’  smh.  anyway.

u can’t convince me that that wasn’t done by somebody’s 14 yr old little brother with MS clipart and the first edition of Paint Shop Pro.  don’t it look like an airbrushed Rest in Peace t-shirt? (ps – WHY DO THEY HAVE A BEST OF ALBUM?)

2.  Phinace – In Memory Of

speaking of resting in peace… is this an album cover or an obituary?

Roshan King, Tyrell Jones, Juan’Tre Jenkins, Santonio Washburn and D’Brandon Smith, members of the singing group Phinace, were called to their Heavenly Home after their El Dorado ran into the side of a Waffle House on their way to a gig at Roscoe’s Snackin’ Shack.  Homegoing services will be held at the First Corinthian Leather Baptist Church of Christ and will feature a gospel rendition of their hit “Finess That Lady” as performed by the Holy Twerkers.

3.  Mind – Is That the Way

and speakin of church… somebody call New Bethel and tell them to come get their choir directors.  and wtf is the little cartoon keytar for??

4.  J Gist – R&B Gangster

can someone explain to me how this works?  being an r&b gangster?  in my head, im seeing this J Gist dude breaking out in a song and dance routine in the middle of a robbery.  or singing a ‘gimmie the drugs’ remix of luther’s ‘never too much’ in the middle of a deal (gimmie the drugs Gimmie The Drugs GIMIME THE DRUUUUGS! *duuuuun, dun dun dun DUUN!*).  am i on the right track?  anyone?  bonus points if u can tell me how the hell to pronounce this dude’s name.

5.  Gary & Rogers – Don’t Deny It

Larry Blackmon – codpiece + jheri curl?

6.  Le Gent – Le Gent

it’s the expressions that make this cover so awesome to me.  brown suit dude:  ‘if this goes well, i’ll be able to use this picture on my card when i become a Century 21 agent.’  red suit:  ‘dance break in 5… 4..’ black suit dude:  ‘oh, hello cameraman!  i didn’t see you there!  isn’t this a pleasant surprise!’  yellow suit dude: ‘do you see this?  do you see the color of this suit?  this is a motherfucking mustard yellow suit.  huh?  it’s yellow!  can you believe that??  mustard yellow!!’

7.  MWC – Men with Charm

because nothing says romance like Kroger flowers, dollar store chocolate, champipple, and three greasy faces.

ps – is that Shirley from ‘What’s Happenin?’ holdin the flowers?!

8.  Highland Place Mobsters -1746DCGA30035

so i could talk about what a blatant ripoff of Dru Hill these cats are, or about how REAL mobsters don’t fucking make r&b albums, but i’ve got a more pressing problem:  the album title.  why would u name your album something that no one can pronounce or remember??  ‘say man, u wanna go check out that new Highland Place Mobsters album?’  ‘oh yeah, what’s it called again?’  ‘i think it’s one-seven-eight-three-pee-ex… um.. naw its one-seven-two-nine-zee… fuck it, let’s just go get that new Dru Hill.’

that’s not an album title.  looks more like a cheat code.

ps – is that stoney jackson pissed off in those handcuffs in the middle?!

9.  Po’, Broke & Lonely – No Money No Honey

seriously?  this is seriously the name of your group?  Po Broke & Lonely?  ….?  are those your names?  the adjectives that best describe you individually?  is that Po on the left, Broke in the middle and Lonely on the end?

why not just call yourselves “No Reedeeming Qualities” or “Ladies, Don’t Fuck Any of Us?”  poor decisions abound.

okay, this next one i actually did save for the end as our big finish.  ladies and le gents (see what i did there?), i give to you…

10. 1-900 – One Nine Hundred

motherfucking tiger print.  and an actual tiger.  lol.

what do you think the rest of that implied 900 phone number is? i bet it’s probably somethin like 1-900-BABY-OIL or 1-900-NASTY-XTACY.  or 1-900-OH-SHIT-A-TIGER.  im gonna go with the last one.

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36 responses to “obscure r&b album covers of the day

  1. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen. EVER.

  2. damn. you knocked this one out the park.

  3. this entire post wins. at everything.
    i also love that po’, broke & lonely ends with a question mark. as if it’s still up in the air. no, you 3. i think it’s pretty clear what you are.
    i almost want to hear all of these albums now. so i can laugh more.

  4. 1-900-OH-SHIT-A-TIGER…ha ha ha. Yeah.

  5. I am literally crying with joy.

  6. I
    can’t
    finish
    it,
    ’cause there are so many tears in my eyes from laughing so hard!

  7. “Mind – Is That The Way” … to wear your pants?!
    Belt buckle doublin’ as a Necklace!

  8. i dont even know where to being!!!! lmao
    man alive, i love me the nerve of some ppl
    tiger print!
    i gotta come back to this…

    LOL

  9. HOLY TWERKERS. ni.gga.

  10. That tiger should be made as hell…dudes trying to imitate his people…smh. omg..look at their shoes! *crying with laughter*

    • ab?
      “dudes trying to imitate his people” ? Wanta-be’s lol?
      I just won’t ever recover from that one! I’ll be laughing 2 years from now on that one!

  11. HAHA! Wowsers..

  12. When I saw the Men With Charm cover, before i even scrolled down I said…”Look at Shirley”. Hilarity! Loves this.

  13. I can’t with 1-900. First the tiger print jackets, but then the real tiger with ol’ boy leaning on a cane. Just LMAO!

    Some of these covers look like aspiring gospel artists.

  14. *pisses all over Mama’s leather sectional couch from Badcock*

    I officially quit you.

    (NOTE: I neither peed on the couch nor quit you. But this was funny. Thanks. Oh, the couch really is from Badcock Furniture.)

  15. “ps – is that Shirley from ‘What’s Happenin?’ holdin the flowers?!”

    BWAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA! I hatchu!

  16. LMAO WHY WAS THIS THE BEST THING OF MY DAY.

  17. I’m laughing my ass off, but I’m sad to say I actually own 2 of these albums (Renaizzance and Highland Place Mobsters)… does that make me worse than these covers? (we won’t talk about the early 90s pictures of me in vest suits from Oak Tree and JW, thinking I was in Boyz II Men or something…)

  18. Haha, I’ll get my music nerd on right quick: Highland Place Mobsters was on LaFace, came out in 92, back when everything on LaFace was ridic. This was the one that took their percentage from 100% to 99% (I’ll even chalk up Damian Dame as a win, lol… HPB featured Dallas Austin (Rowdy Recs, Monica, TLC, etc) as a member… But yes, LaLame, yet I own it on CD and LP…

    Renaizzance I believe was from Ohio, and I want to say I have like 2 degrees of separation from them, and I bought it to “support the locals” (was in Cincy when it came out, in Louisville now… Ohio had some great 90s R&B, Native Black was the shit, and III From Tha Soul (I know…) was pretty good too)…

    • wow. i am in complete and utter awe of you right now. i.. i’m tettering between incredulousness, envy, and pride (since u threw Louisville in there.. u make my homeland proud! i think maybe!)

      id seriously love to hear these albums. what must they sound like?? i mean, highland place mobsters.??! i just can’t begin to conceive.

      • You HAVE to read this, just found it by googling HPM… This is NOT me, I’m a guy, found it at
        http://metasmith.blogspot.com/2006/02/highland-place-mobsters-i-was-so.html :

        don’t know what made me think of this group. I guess because lately I’ve been reflecting on my video ho days (ho is short for honey in my case- haha).

        A website dedicated to New Jack Swing described HPM as such:
        That summer, HPM was unveiled in all its glory with a debut single, “Let’s Get Naked.” Made up of Derrick “Boo Boo” Culbreath, Melvin “Elocc” Davis, “Chip” Theophilus “Maniac” Glass, and Dallas Austin himelf, HPM could be likened to Jodeci in that it featured two lead singers (“Boo Boo” as Jojo Hailey, “Maniac” as K-Ci, “Elocc” the rapper as Mr. Dalvin and Dallas as Devante – both were relatively silent and mysterious producers). Their style was rugged, laced with profanity, irreverent lyrics and perhaps most of all — a defiance against convention. While their album failed to reach commercial success, the effort should be noted for living up to it’s banner: revolutionary street music. Each member of the Highland Place Mobsters went on to other things: Melvin Lee Davis is now a session bass player and both Derrick Culbreath and Theophilus Glass are session singers affiliated with producers such as Tim & Bob, and Timbaland.

        I will share an embarassing but funny story of how dumb I was at 19. I am so glad I grew up and got smarter. My Video Girl confessions are not as spicy as what’s her face’s, but they are funny. Thank GOD I wasn’t willing to do whatever to be a star, even though I really wanted to be in the industry. I’d a felt REALLY dumb if I’d done the “Vanessa Del Rio” with folks just cuz they were somewhat famous at the time. Cuz who are these dudes? Have you even heard of them? Nope. But I was dumb because I thought I was in love with one of these guys! Like really in love. If there are any 19 year olds reading this, girl, just keep on living because chances are you really don’t know what love is. And you’ll be glad you don’t settle with some fool you meet now! Read on…

        Highland Place Mobsters ended up being my first video. The first somewhat real one anyway. It was for “Let’s Get Naked”. You can’t see me in it. Thank GOD! I dated one of the lead singers Boo Boo. Yes I dated a grown man named Boo Boo. His real name was Derrick Culbreath, and he told me he was 21, but he had to be pushing 30 then.

        It was the heyday of LaFace. We met while rolling thru downtown ATL in my girl Tang’s car. It was me, Tang, Tyra, and maybe someone else. We saw a Suzuki Sidekick with an airbrushed wheel cover of Another Bad Creation on it. We got geeked because we thought it was either ABC or Dallas Austin. We did typical 19 year old stuff; we flagged them down and started a convo. Driving was Kevin Wales who was an A&R guy at LaFace or Rowdy, I can’t remember which. Then there were three other guys in the car. They were Boo Boo, Chip, and E Locc members of Highland Place Mobsters. We had no idea who they were, but we knew they were down with Dallas and we wanted to be singers so we thought, hmmm good connection.

        Boo Boo was cute. He had a perm. It was in a Damian Dame type bob. He would never reveal what kind of relaxer he had and that kind of pissed me off, because I really wanted his hairstyle. He had a gray streak in his eyebrow and wore green Cross Colors. I thought he was so hot! His boy Chip wore orange Cross Colors and he had blond hair in a short fade. He was the original Sisquo. He had the raspy voice, was short and everything. Me & Boo Boo exchanged numbers, I gave him the number to my dorm and he gave me a pager number. He called that night so we went to Dallas’ old house on where else but Highland Place later on. It was me and I dragged one of my young friends Felice with me. They picked us up in the ABC Sidekick and I remember thinking I was hot shit getting scooped at Spelman’s back gate in a Sidekick. God I was stupid.

        When we got there we were excited because ABCs shoes were all lined up like the seven dwarfs. Dallas was there, but really quiet. Boo Boo and Chip and E Locc performed for us. They sang Stay by Jodeci and I cried it was so beautiful. These dudes could SANG. Chip drank hot sauce from the bottle to make his voice extra raspy. Then we went to Chip’s house on Stewart Ave I think, it was somewhere in the SWAT. Chips mom was…,interesting. She kept calling my girl Phyllis and couldn’t begin to say my name. We were like, what is she on? We hang out and they sing some more, and we go to IHOP. They kept talking about a new group coming out called TLC and how large they were going to be. They were like, they wear condoms on their clothes, they can dance, and they can SANG (two outta three ain’t bad). Then they take us back to school. It was fun for two young girls, especially when one of us was still a virgin. OK, it was Felice not me, but gosh looking back I wish I was still a virgin then.

        So me & Boo Boo hook up again and I take my girl Tyra. So I’m chillin with Boo Boo and Tyra’s hanging with Chip. They have on the SAME CROSS COLORS. Everytime I saw them they had on their “uniforms”. Those same damn Cross Colors. They sang Stay again. It was great. Tyra was afraid of Chip. We went to a hotel to hang out and drink. Chip was all over Tyra. She was like “I don’t think so, get off me, don’t touch me, what do you think this is I’m just here with my girl” all night. Me and Boo Boo were cracking up. Tyra started crying she was so scared of him. Finally Chip gets up on the bed and he’s like “What’s wrong with you? Talking all this ‘I’m not a Barbie Doll’ shit! You sound like a white girl! How you gone not want this?” Then the fool undoes his belt, drops his pants, and starts doing the dick dance (you know, flopping it all around). No he’s not wearing any drawers. His pubes were died blond. Tyra really starts to cry then. I mean boo-hooing. I’m in shock, cracking up at this nut, and trying to calm Tyra down. I try to comfort my girl but she’s pretty inconsolable. We decide to stick together like glue from that point. She’s like, “oh no, you aren’t leaving me with this fool one second.” We’re basically holding hands at this point. They say they’re going to make a quick run. These bastards leave and don’t come back! I’m paging Boo Boo telling Tee, they’ll be back. But they don’t come back. I can’t remember how we got back to campus, I smoked a lot of weed since then and well, I try to block some things out. They come back at the oddest times, like now.

        I still owe Tyra for subjecting her to Chip who was also known as “The Maniac” for obvious reasons. He was harmless, but I mean shit, imagine a chubby, high Sisquo shaking his dick at you. It was traumatizing. Tee, I’m sorry for putting you through that. Fifteen years later girl, I’m still so sorry for him scaring the shit out of you. For the whole world to see, I really appreciate your friendship, and for being my road dog. Later she transferred to Eastern Illinois (not because she was scared mind you, but well, it would have been a good reason). When she was there she goes into the local record shop and they have a display of who else, The Highland Place Mobsters. Tyra is no longer traumatized and has a laughing fit in the store. The clerk gives her the display and a CD since no one was buying it. I mean NO ONE.

        The CD was actually good though.

        Boo Boo and I didn’t last long. I can’t recall why we parted but I sort of remember him thinking I was trying to get with Kevin Wales, which was not the case. I remember being devastated and crying all afternoon. I was in my Advanced Jazz Dance Class with Kenneth Green, crying. But no one noticed because his class was mad hard and people cried a lot in it anyway. He danced with Ailey so he was tough.

        Lessons Learned
        1. Don’t ever go out with a grown man named Boo Boo.
        2. Don’t hook your friends up with men called The Maniac. Not if you love them.
        3. Don’t date guys with hair that is better than yours. Especially if they don’t share hair tips.
        4. Talent and being signed to a major label does not guarantee success.
        5. College girls, don’t ever go out with strange men alone. Always go in pairs because there are some crazy crazy men in this world. The story could have been disasterous rather than humorous if I hadn’t been with my friend.
        6. Never, ever, trust a man named Theophilis!!!

        Ah…The good old days in ATL.

    • ::: jaw drop :::

    • OK Ms. Brokey,
      I’m now waiting for the book! This was SO good! I’m laughing so hard, I’ve got our Exec Assistant looking in on me, lol!

      Ain’t we all so funny as kids? And think we know all ’bout the world then?

  19. I actually do remember that group Po’ Broke and Lonely…lmao!!! I’m old! 🙂
    The rest of the mkats I’ve never heard of.
    I just want you to know that you seriously just made me cry laughing here at my desk from the description of #8. Dayum homie!
    Especially this line:
    “that’s not an album title. looks more like a cheat code.”
    HI-larious!!!!

  20. Actually, if you listen to R&B Gangsta, it will tell you exactly the definition.

    Oh and his last name is pronounced G-ist not Jist.

  21. BIGG LOCC MONTANA

    RESPOND 2 BROKEYMCPOVERTY, AND D,…OK I AM BIGG LOCC MONTANA FROM THE GROUP THE HIGHLANDPLACE MOBSTERS. “THE RAPPER”, WHAT DO U MEAN REAL MOBSTERS DONT MAKE RB ALBUMS…WHAT DO U TINK I HAD THE GUN IN MY HOLSTER 4 DUMMIE!!…AND AS FAR AS THE DRU HILL COMMENT, IF U DID YOUR HOME WORK U WOULD KNOW THAT WE CAME OUT B4 THEM. STOP HATIN’ AND LEARN SOMETHING,.PEOPLE LIKE U GIVE REAL NIGGAS A BAD NAME,.GO 2 MY NEW SHIT,.BOSSMEUPENTERTAINMENT@MYSPACE.COM..U WILL C I KEEPS IT GANXTA, U DUMM ASSSES!!!

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  23. *yelps* *weeps* and as far as Big Locks Montana or whoever, pics or you don’t exist nigga!

  24. Big Locks Montana, honey, REALLY? You put out that album , googled yourself damn near twenty years later and ranted at some women for giggling at you . Congratulations, you are exactly what I thought an R&B gangster would be.

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