so i guess its safe to say that r&b is becoming the underlying theme of this blog. which is fine with me. as long as asinine people keep stepping into studio, i’m not against discussing where they went wrong.
i got an early christmas gift today when my very good friend donnie gave me the link to a blog full of the most random, dated r&b that i’ve never heard of in my life. the possibilities contained therein are ENDLESS. i predict many more discussions on r&b coming from that link alone. so you may thank him for this.
in no particular order, since they’re all equally ridiculous:
1. Renaizzance – Intimate Thoughts
first, a question.. why did everybody feel the need to spell shit the wrong way? ‘hello, ladies and gentlemen, we are Peaches and Cream, only it’s spelled PeichezzZ aynd Kriem beause we’re craft and clever.’ smh. anyway.
u can’t convince me that that wasn’t done by somebody’s 14 yr old little brother with MS clipart and the first edition of Paint Shop Pro. don’t it look like an airbrushed Rest in Peace t-shirt? (ps – WHY DO THEY HAVE A BEST OF ALBUM?)
2. Phinace – In Memory Of
speaking of resting in peace… is this an album cover or an obituary?
Roshan King, Tyrell Jones, Juan’Tre Jenkins, Santonio Washburn and D’Brandon Smith, members of the singing group Phinace, were called to their Heavenly Home after their El Dorado ran into the side of a Waffle House on their way to a gig at Roscoe’s Snackin’ Shack. Homegoing services will be held at the First Corinthian Leather Baptist Church of Christ and will feature a gospel rendition of their hit “Finess That Lady” as performed by the Holy Twerkers.
3. Mind – Is That the Way
and speakin of church… somebody call New Bethel and tell them to come get their choir directors. and wtf is the little cartoon keytar for??
4. J Gist – R&B Gangster
can someone explain to me how this works? being an r&b gangster? in my head, im seeing this J Gist dude breaking out in a song and dance routine in the middle of a robbery. or singing a ‘gimmie the drugs’ remix of luther’s ‘never too much’ in the middle of a deal (gimmie the drugs Gimmie The Drugs GIMIME THE DRUUUUGS! *duuuuun, dun dun dun DUUN!*). am i on the right track? anyone? bonus points if u can tell me how the hell to pronounce this dude’s name.
5. Gary & Rogers – Don’t Deny It
Larry Blackmon – codpiece + jheri curl?
6. Le Gent – Le Gent
it’s the expressions that make this cover so awesome to me. brown suit dude: ‘if this goes well, i’ll be able to use this picture on my card when i become a Century 21 agent.’ red suit: ‘dance break in 5… 4..’ black suit dude: ‘oh, hello cameraman! i didn’t see you there! isn’t this a pleasant surprise!’ yellow suit dude: ‘do you see this? do you see the color of this suit? this is a motherfucking mustard yellow suit. huh? it’s yellow! can you believe that?? mustard yellow!!’
because nothing says romance like Kroger flowers, dollar store chocolate, champipple, and three greasy faces.
ps – is that Shirley from ‘What’s Happenin?’ holdin the flowers?!
8. Highland Place Mobsters -1746DCGA30035
so i could talk about what a blatant ripoff of Dru Hill these cats are, or about how REAL mobsters don’t fucking make r&b albums, but i’ve got a more pressing problem: the album title. why would u name your album something that no one can pronounce or remember?? ‘say man, u wanna go check out that new Highland Place Mobsters album?’ ‘oh yeah, what’s it called again?’ ‘i think it’s one-seven-eight-three-pee-ex… um.. naw its one-seven-two-nine-zee… fuck it, let’s just go get that new Dru Hill.’
that’s not an album title. looks more like a cheat code.
ps – is that stoney jackson pissed off in those handcuffs in the middle?!
9. Po’, Broke & Lonely – No Money No Honey
seriously? this is seriously the name of your group? Po Broke & Lonely? ….? are those your names? the adjectives that best describe you individually? is that Po on the left, Broke in the middle and Lonely on the end?
why not just call yourselves “No Reedeeming Qualities” or “Ladies, Don’t Fuck Any of Us?” poor decisions abound.
okay, this next one i actually did save for the end as our big finish. ladies and le gents (see what i did there?), i give to you…
10. 1-900 – One Nine Hundred
motherfucking tiger print. and an actual tiger. lol.
what do you think the rest of that implied 900 phone number is? i bet it’s probably somethin like 1-900-BABY-OIL or 1-900-NASTY-XTACY. or 1-900-OH-SHIT-A-TIGER. im gonna go with the last one.