Roy Ashburn: Totally Not Gay.

SACRAMENTO, California–California state senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for DUI Wednesday morning.  The senator reportedly got into his car drunk after leaving a gay club–ironic, considering his steadfast stance against gay rights.  Ashburn has released an official apology and statement on the incident:

I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgement.  I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did.

About that whole gay club part, though, I want to make this perfectly clear:  I’m totally not gay.  I wasn’t at the gay club because I was, like, doin’ gay stuff or lookin’ for gay stuff to do.  I initially got there at first because–well okay, here’s what happened, okay?  So I’m out driving around and I see this pregnant lady, and she’s on fire.  So of course I have to stop and help her.  So I pull over and I go to look for her and I think I see her go into this place called the Pink Pole, and I’m not thinking at this point “oh, this must be a gay club!”  I’m just thinking, “man, I have to find this pregnant lady who was totally on fire!”  So I walk in there and I’m all, “hey, pregnant lady, where are you?  You can’t be in here right now, you’re totally on fire!”  And then I look around and I didn’t see the lady but I saw all this gay stuff happening and I thought it would be a good time to talk to these young men and figure you why they were doing what they were doing, so I sat down at the bar and was talking to this young man and he bought me a beer and then I bought a few more, but it was only so I’d have something to do while I was talking to this kid and trying to figure out how I can strengthen my crusade against gay stuff.  But me?  Nope.  Totally not gay.

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8 responses to “Roy Ashburn: Totally Not Gay.

  1. you are a mess…

  2. This is fantastic. When he delivers his apology speech via press conference, he should hire the folks who designed Tiger’s set.

  3. I freakin’ love this! LOL!

  4. Can we please just make these people* go away already??

    *Closeted right-wingers.

  5. Why is it that the biggest anti-gay individuals usually end up in some scandal announcing how they really feel?

  6. More like Roy ASSburn!!!!

    No?

  7. lifeisannoying

    THAT was an official press release!!! Surely not!!!!!!!!!

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