the mutterface.

oh yeah.  it’s time.  time to dissect and discuss the unfortunate mutterface.  what is a mutterface, you ask?  it’s a male butterface.  what is a butterface?  if you must ask this question, you clearly suck at internet, but hey.  i’m not here to judge.  a butterface, though, is a woman with a very nice body, but her face… yeah.  so now that you’re well versed in interwebs, let’s look at the butterface’s male counterpart and make the concept a little less sexist, shall we?

i was hoping for a generalized list of mutterfaces.  i could only come up with four.  help!

1.  Tyresesinger.  had a bangin ass coca-cola commercial back in the 90s.  taraji henson hates him.

At first I was like:


Aw yeeaaaaahh!  I’ll even forgive those horrible ass tribal tattoos!  Work it, daddy!

But then I was all:


Oh, I didn’t know Skeletor was invited to the party.  Cool.  *collects panties, walks home*

2.  50 Cent. rapper.  got shot 9 times.  recently got anorexic for a movie.

At first I was like:

Hm.  Almost a little too big for me, but mama like!  Mama like.  Is that a gun shot wound?  Rugged.

But then I was all:

Why do I have a sudden urge to watch the Angry Beavers?

3.  Terrell Owens. NFL baller.  VH1 reality show graduate.  from Feelacoochie, Alabama or some shit.

At first I was like:

I bet my tongue would fit quite nicely in that happy little valley between his abs.

But then I was all:

Oh, huh?  Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see you there.  Or hear you yelling my name into my ear.  Or feel you tapping on my shoulder.  Friday night?  Yeah, that’d be cool, but I have to stay home and cut the dingleberries off my MeeMaw’s Cat, Mr. Stankyleg.  …k, bye.

4.  Michael Phelps. olympic swimmer.  weed smoker.  horrible actor.

At first I was like:

YES!  This is just my speed!  This speaks to both my love of skinny-yet-muscular boys and boys strong enough to immobilize and pin me down when the time comes (editor’s note: …*cough*).  Plus I’ve been in the market for a white boy too.  He look like he got good credit!

But then I was all:

..Does he chew on lit dynamite in his spare time?

5.  Michael Jai White. actor in the awesome Black Dynamite.  actor in those horrible tyler perry movies.

At first I was like:

It just got African as shit in here, AND I LIKE IT!  Let me tribal dance to YO drums, daddy!

But then I was all:

Is that an S-Curl?  MOTHERFUCK.

6.  Steve Harvey. loud mouth ass, know-it-all ass, whispers mustache havin ass mothertrucker.

At first I was like:

Wait.. wait, there must be some mistake.  I don’t think this is supposed to be here.

But then I was all:

WHO IN THE HELL LEFT THE GATE OPEN??!?!

this list is clearly getting out of hand.  it’s best we end things now.

yall got any nominations?  complaints?  i know somebody’s gonna disagree with some selections.  those people are wrong and fools and i’m right.

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17 responses to “the mutterface.

  1. Brokey, youse a fool. That’s all I wanted to say.

    Oh yeah. I approve of all of these. If you want to add some more white meat to the queue, I present Matthew Morrison, aka Mr. Schuester from Glee:

    I don’t know why there’s a duck on his naughty bits, but I quite like his face. Some don’t though.

  2. Annnnndddd I’m done! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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  4. I damn near died at the Steve Harvey photo. Well I laughed, until I realized I’m going to have nightmares. But for me Michael Phelps is the ultimate. The whole Olympics I was like, “can we put a bag over his head?” Well, I think he put a bag over his head and a bong under it and…no, I didn’t say that.

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  6. You are right on, but I love me some Tyrese, I actually think he is kins cute. But e’rebody else especially 50 Cent def need to keep a paper bag by the bed or they can let me smoother them with a pillow. Either way is good for me. Where “would” have D’Angelo been?

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  7. I agree with most of the people on your list (except Tyrese who I think is fine wine) and the last picture of Steve Harvey made me throw up a little in my mouth … BUT THIS “It just got African as shit in here, AND I LIKE IT! Let me tribal dance to YO drums, daddy!” made me spit out my coffee.

  8. done. just done.

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  10. Oh damn…Phelps is just so unfortunate about the face!! All these guys are some poor unfortunate faces! ROFL!

  11. OMG I’ve been trying to figure out a name for the male ‘butterface”..thank u sooo much!

    The bodies…need a paper bag over their head…lol

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  13. Lol @ tyrese as skeletor. My day is complete.

  14. Harpo....who dat woman?

    Lamar Odom. Period.

  15. I got to steve harvey and laughed so hard I teared up.

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