i was in philly awhile ago. i shared one of these with three other people.
halfway through, it lead me to start preaching on how u have to live life now before u start shittin urself. as i write this now, im sitting in a hotel room with my 84 year old grandmother and i found myself tweeting that same message. this blog isn’t about me, but this sermon is one that the world needs to hear.
now im being silly of course, but im serious too. im sure (and i hope) that my views on this will brighten one day, but right now, i fully believe, 100% that there is no dignity in growing old and that one day, all you’ll have is jello, Judge Judy, and shittin yourself.
i pretty much grew up with my grandmother. i lived with her and my mother until i left for college at 18, then for about a year after i graduated, then in philly for 4 years, and now i’m with them again, having just moved back to louisville, ky. ive seen her go from 50-something firecracker, mother of 6 and great/grandmother to like 526,735, carrying the entire world on her shoulders, to a weathered, withered shell of her former self, completely dependent on us to do for her what she is so used to doing for other people. it’s rough.
now ideally, this should be a blessing and nothing less. oh, how fortunate to live so long. what a full life she’s lead; what a blessing to have family there to care for you when you can’t anymore. how happy everyone should be. but how can we be happy when she is miserable? when she gets so frustrated at not being able to do for herself that she just breaks down at the very thought of having to depend on us? it’s very rough. i force myself to see and recognize the positive because i feel obligated to, but secretly? it scares the shit out of me. like, this is it. if we’re lucky enough to get old, and then really old, this is all we’ll have. memories of what we used to be able to do and frustration at not being able to do it. that leads me to my new philosophy on life:
live now; you’ll be shittin yourself later.
before my granny got sick, i was waiting. i was going through the motions, doing what i felt like i had to do in life. go to school. get degree. get job. get husband. get knocked up. get established. do what u like/love in your free time. but seriously man, fuck that. i had to reassess what my idea of “established” was. big house, plenty money, good job? pff. when you’re old, that’s not what you’ll miss. you’ll long for the little things. being able to drink as much coffee and eat as much chocolate as you want. not having somebody standing over your grown ass tellin you what to do all the damn time. being able to not shit yourself. THOSE are the treasures.
and you have that! right now, you have it! if you’re able bodied, can remember what day of the week it is, and can shit in a toilet at will, you have everything you need. you have the entire world tucked away in your pocket right now and you probably dont even know it because you’re waiting on that wedding ring/promotion/check to clear. fuck that! LIVE. IT. UP.
got somethin you’ve always wanted to do? GO DO IT, PUNCHY! don’t wait til later! you’ll be shittin yourself later! do u know how
hard it is to backpack through europe when youre shittin yourself every 30 minutes? neither do i. but im sure its pretty annoying/unpleasant for you and everybody else around you. got a crush on your neighbor? wanna fall in love with her and marry her and have lots of babies? just wanna hit it and quit it? TELL HER! know why? because your chances of any of that happening are far greater now than they will be when you’re shitin yourself. wanna be a sculptor? get some dirt! put some water in it! make some clay! get your ghost on! NOW! if u wait til later, the very sight of somethin that looks like shit will probably make u shit yourself, whether you want to or not, then you’ll have to get up and rectify that situation and while you’re gone, your clay is gonna dry out and you’re gonna get back and have to put more water on it and then you’ll shit yourself again and you’ll never get anywhere. right now? you can do it. you dont need money or whatever it is you’re waiting for. if u can talk, you can sing; if you can walk, you can dance, and there’s no excuse for you not doing them. take advantage.
my message used to be “do drugs. get drunk. have panic sex.” but that’s just a bit irresponsible. also, ive never done a drug in my life, nor will i, so i think that’d make me a hypocrite or a non-practicer of what i preach or something. so instead i’ll just say “go do it.” whatever it is, go do it. and i mean its not easy; this is a rule that im struggling to follow myself. but by golly, it’s gonna happen. in a perfect world, i will show up on the doorstep of the now grown ass man that ive had a crush on since i was like 10 years old in nothin but a trench coat and some fuck me pumps. if he turns me down, that’s fine! i’ll go write a song or run a marathon or paint a picture or learn to salsa dance or something and get on with my young, able-bodied life. u know why?
because i can hold a pen without pain . because though i am borderline chubby and out of shape, my legs are strong. because caring about art is a luxury that i can still afford to have.
and because i wont be shitting myself beneath that trench coat.
go do it. do it now. while your draws are light.