LOS ANGELES, CA–Sources inside singer Brandy Norwood’s camp are reporting that her hairline held an emergency intervention after seeing pictures of what remains of supermodel Naomi Campbell’s edges floating around the internet earlier today.
“I just love Brandy so much,” said the hairline, whose name, it told us, is Rita. “I love her and she’s doing this to me, when all I want is the best for her. I’m trying to stay close to her, but she just keeps pushing me further and further back. And it hurts.”
Rita the Hairline confronted Brandy around 11:00 a.m. Pacific time in a hotel room along with a gallon tub of Let’s Jam! hair gel, Ray J, and In Living Color alum Fire Marshall Bill. Rita the Hairline opened with a tearful letter of unending love and inner turmoil.
“Dear Brandy,” she began: “When you were born, it was the happiest day of my life, because that’s also the same day I was born. I used to think that we’d be bonded together forever because we got here on the same day and we started out so close. But as time wore on, your addiction to irresponsible haircare practices just pushed me further and further away, and I am here today to tell you that if you continue down the treacherous path that you have been on, I will have to sever ties completely. If you do not seek the help of this bottle of Doo Grow, I will pack up and leave you completely.* I will not answer phone calls. I will not escort you and your jar of Let’s Jam! to any further awards shows. I have to protect myself. I love you enough to let you go; now, you need to love me enough to hold on to me. Please accept this gift today.”
Our source says that Brandy showed little emotion upon hearing Rita’s testimony, but when her jar of Let’s Jam! took the floor, she had to pause several times to wipe her eyes.
“Brandy,” he began before breaking down, “I cain’t! I just cain’t do it no more, boo! I cain’t hold you down no more! It takes so muchenergy to try to keep you and Rita together and I am drained, you hear me? Drained! I got a wife and four kids that I don’t even know no more because I spend all my time trying to slick you down in the front! I’m spread too thin, Bran! And I ain’t spread on nothin’ but scalp no more! Take the help, boo! Take it for me and for you!!”
As Brandy and Let’s Jam! shared a long embrace, Ray J spoke softly in the background:
“Yeah, you know what I’m sayin’, it’s like…you know we always keep it 100, Brandy, and on the real? I just want the best for you or whatever. It gets hard for me because I can’t remember stuff real good, so I be forgettin’ what side I need to stand on to keep yo hairline from reflectin’ in my sunglasses when we pose for pictures and everything. And sometimes I just stand there and my mind is boggled, and I don’t like bein’ boggled. So Brandy, I just got one question to ask you: Are you here for the love of Ray J? Blessings.”
At this point, everyone was wrapped in a group hug when Fire Marshall Bill whipped off his hat and yelled: ‘LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN! YOU BETTER FIND OUT WHERE YOUR HEAD IS, BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE YOU’RE HEADED!'” For reasons not immediately evident, he then lit a stick of dynamite and laughed maniacally.
There is no word yet on whether or not Brandy accepted the help offered to her.
–The Impoverished Times