dear dr. drew: a love letter.

i'd love to see YOUR loveline, doctor. HAW HAW HAW!

as i sit here watching you talk to a bunch of kids who had babies, i kind of can’t help myself.  it’s emotional porn, the way you spread your caring around, how you caress those on the stage with the softness of your voice but put a little bass in it when someone decides to get loud and wrong.  the way you lean in and peer into the center of someone’s eyes when they speak.  the way you listen.  like, really, really listen.  sigh.  you speak to that need in me, the unscratchable itch that screams “OMFG I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHATEVER SPORT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.  I JUST NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY, CAN I FUCKING DO THAT, PLEASE?!”  you are the human embodiment of a shopping spree, a walking bowl of chocolate covered winning lottery tickets dipped in good dreams and free foot rubs.  just win.  just so full of win.

and beyond the emo shit, can we talk about how u have the nerve, the unabashed gall to be fine on top of all that?!  that HAIR!!  we’ve already established that i love me a gray headed man, but to know that that gray hair is covering one of the smartest brains that ive been privy too in the world of reality tv just sends me into a hormonal frenzy.  i just wanna strip butt ass nekkid and shrink myself down and roll around in your follicles.  then i want to make myself normal size again and lay on your therapist’s couch and (THE REMAINDER OF THIS SENTENCE HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN).  then when we wake up in the morning, all bukkid nekkid in the middle of a meadow, our bodies lightly covered with dew, picking the rest of the M&Ms out of our orifices, we’d look into each other’s eyes and you’d say, “tell me about your feelings, darling,”  and i’d say, “oh, doctor drew, i feel LIKE I NEED TO TAP THAT ASS ONE MO TIME.”

in conclusion, if you ask me, dr. drew, i’m ready.



ps – and he has porn star nipples, too?!  I CANT TAKE IT!!

20 responses to “dear dr. drew: a love letter.

  1. YESSSSS! I loves me some dr drew and THIS summed it up exactly.

  2. [reads entire post thrice]
    [gives deep, cunty sigh] Not again.
    [removes earrings, grabs bedazzled razorblade]

  3. So …
    What does it mean when I have a (married) female-friend tell me I had the unusual (for a male) ability to listen, understand and ‘connect’?
    Is it a Positive my kids still, as teenagers, talk to me about really meaningful stuff?
    That I always end up being the friend, relative, work-friend they confide some piece of life-crap to?
    Do I have a gapping emotional hole somewhere then?

    If only I had hair like that.
    And a great, expensive, nice fitting suit.
    And was considered attractive.
    And had a national TV show to flaunt in on …

    I’ma gonna call Dr. Drew. Tell him I was abused, I’m on drugs, have a sexual addiction, my dog bit me and see if I can get my 15 seconds of …

    Is that “Fame” when you admit all that crap in front of the whole friggin’ world?

  4. *cackling loudly* This post just made my night!

  5. Interior Adoration, LLC

    CTFU…. Dr Drew posted it on Twitter and he is sort of amused. LOL I love it and thank you for getting my feelings out about Dr. Drew too. That man is a walking GOD!

  6. Why is it when one cares, actually cares about other human beings they have to make them sound like a monster,just like with Michael Jackson,a great man that did so many great things had to be made out to be this monster that ge indeed was not

  7. *jumps head first into a lake of hair dye*

  8. I just cam 3 times.

  9. PORN nipples, Brokey? F’real? You trying to get a restraining order put against you? LOL!!

  10. Ok…I loves me some dr. Drew and yes he is a fiiiine, intelligent, amazing man! But people don’t lay on couches anymore in therapy, its unethical and a bit belittling. But get yours hunny…do what you gotta do!

  11. Poor Dr Drew. Just what he needs, some loon raping him over and over again.

    • dear you,

      hello! i am very sorry to learn that you were born without a sense of humor. i hear there’s some dude at the end of some road giving out courage and brains and hearts and shit.. mayhaps he could help you out too?

      good luck with that!


  12. The old me is *dead and gone* like TI’s freedom. This letter… iCANNOT! LMAOOOOOOO

  13. Damn! You put that so well! I have loved and adored Dr. Drew since I first saw him when Loveline went on MTV. I was already a fan, loving the way he spoke to people and was just the right mix of sensitive to their needs and called them out on their shit. He could always see through the crap. And he could get right to the heart of it and leave you in tears and felling loved @ the same time. And then I saw that sexy mofo in his little glasses and his silver hair. And can we talk about how hot his bod is in a tee and jeans??!! Oh yeah. I am with you on wanting to do unspeakable things on his couch!

  14. Isn’t it so appropriate that the man we all love for listening is LISTENING by reading this letter!!!??? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, loveline…I will be listening with more adoration ❤

  15. Pingback: so, this happened. |

  16. hahahaah, just found this from the gangsta-r&b-post link…

    i love Dr.Drew. and you for making this letter. and him some more for reading & making note of it on his twitter.

  17. Harpo....who dat woman?

    Brokey, this Tom Foolery made my day! LOL!

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