with all the hoopla and hullabaloo and rigamarole surrounding Keri Hilson’s latest video, “The Way You Love Me,” which has gotten an incredible amount of bad press due to its hyper sexual images and lyrics. i met Keri’s vagina in the sun room of her mansion, where she sat in a recliner wrapped in a neck brace, sipping a cup of chamomile tea.
Brokey McPoverty: Good afternoon! Thanks so much for agreeing to speak with me.
Keri Hilson’s Vagina: Oh it’s not problem, sugar. And you can call me Kita. Or Shirley.
BmcP: Kita or… Shirley? Those are two pretty different names, there.
Kita/Shirley: Yeah, I know. My name is Shirley, but Keri decided to call me Kita because she thinks that people will think it’s sexier. So, I mean, whatever.
BmcP: Your mama name you Shirley, I’ma call you Shirley.
Shirley: Ha! Well that’s okay with me! (Here, Shirley breaks out into a painful sounding hacking cough and reaches for her cup of tea.)
BmcP: Oh my goodness, that’s a nasty cough! Are you okay?
Shirley: Yeah, girl, I just got a little cold. Keri’s had me out and about a whole lot more than usual lately, and I was not at all dressed for the weather.
BmcP: Oh, you mean in the video? Is that what the neck brace is for, too?
Shirley: Mm-hmm. That girl was poppin’ it for all she was worth. Gave me whiplash in the worstest of ways.
BmcP: …Goodness. Okay, well, speaking of the video, let’s go ahead and get into that. What are your thoughts on the project? Do you like the song? What was filming the video like?
Shirley: Of course I don’t like the song. I don’t like any of her songs. But I love the video, though; that’s some of my best work ever! I choreographed the whole thing, you know.
BmcP: You’re a choreographer?
Shirley: Oh yeah, child. I’ve worked with some of the greats. Black Jesus, Luke. I did Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty video. But yeah, that was my best work. Even though I got the flu because of it, it was totally worth it.
BmcP: Were you surprised that Keri would make a video like this?
Shirley: Oh, no, not at all. I knew she was gon’ come crawling back to me one day.
BmcP: Can you elaborate?
Shirley: Well, when she first decided she was gonna be a singer and shit, I was like, hell yeah! We need to go down to the stripper store and get some real sexy shit and turn it out, you know. I was like, Keri, we gon buy you some booty cheeks and we are gonna show OUT. But Keri was all like, “Meeeh, I don’t need to be half naked and gyrating to sell albums! So I was like, OH! Oh, okay! You think you can do this without me? Without Shirley?? I was like alright, then. You go ahead and see how far your–*cough*–“talent” gets you. I’ma just wait right here. And then when you ain’t movin’ no records and gotta fight to stay relevant, you’ll come a-callin’. So no, I wasn’t surprised at all.
BmcP: Wow. So how do you feel about all the bad reviews the video has gotten?
Shirley: Shit, they talkin’ about her again, ain’t they? You know what the big story was before this video came out? Her feet.
BmcP: Her feet?
Shirley: Yeah, girl. Her feet look like a set of midget anal beads.
Shirley: Yeah, so, I don’t give a shit about the bad press. At least there’s press. It was well worth getting pneumonia for.
BmcP: I notice that your diagnosis keeps getting worse as this interview progresses.
Shirley: Oh, yeah. I don’t have no insurance and I got a weak constitution. It’s just been upgraded to bird flu.
BmcP: Hm. Well this begs another question, if I may–in her song, Keri says that she has the kind of um… vagina to keep a fellow out of the streets. Is this true? Have you kept a man out of the streets before?
Shirley: I got a man out of line at the unemployment office once. Does that count?
BmcP: Well, I’m not too sure if..
Shirley: Oops, just got upgraded to the Andromeda Strain. I’m gonna have to get to an immediate care facility, pardon me.
So, there you have it. Keri Hilson’s vagina contracted the Andromeda Strain during the taping of the video due to overexposure. Please keep her in your prayers.