Louisville Poised to Make Strip Clubs More Family-Friendly

LOUISVILLE, KY – Beginning February 1, 2011, you won’t be able to find a few things in Louisville area strip clubs–namely nudity, alcohol, and lapdances–three things that pretty much define strip clubs.  Dancers and patrons will also have to stay a minimum of six feet away from each other.

“I think this is racist or sexist or something,” said dancer Dior La’Jenkins.  “This is how I feed my family and pay my tuition.  How am I supposed to get my tips now?  I’m only 5 foot 1, I can’t reach six feet!”  But there is an upside, she said:  “At least I’ll have some time to work on my homework, get some reading done.  Since I’ll be so far away from the customers now, they won’t be able to see what I’m doing anyway.”

We spoke with Leroy Stillwell, owner and proprietor of the Bust-It-Open Boutique Gentleman’s Club and Bar to get his opinion on the upcoming changes.  “Oh well, yeah, it’s terrible, you know.  Especially now–Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and that’s always been a big money maker.  But it’s okay though.  We’ve got some ideas, we’re being creative,” he added optimistically.  “We’re adding a day care center, hoping that it’ll draw some more customers.  We’re also renting out space to churches and community groups now–we’ve got 1st Corinthian Leather Baptist holding bible study here next Wednesday.  So we’re hoping that will keep folks coming through.”

Asked about the appropriateness of having children and church functions in a strip club, Stillwell commented, “It’s not like there’s anything scandalous happening here anymore with all these new laws.  You can find more sex and salaciousness on basic cable at noon these days.”

He then added, “I’m also changing the name of the club to The Respectable Lady, because really, I might as fucking well.”

—The Impoverished Times

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so steve harvey is hosting the family feud.

"We asked a group of 100 people the following question: YOU LIKE THIS SUIT, PLAYA?"

somebody told me about a week ago that steve harvey and his inverted nipples were hosting the show, and i didn’t believe it.  because i mean, why would that ever happen?  who in jelly jar drinkin glass hell would want his bama ass trying to host a game show where listening to the host speak is important?  but low and behold.. it’s true.  i’ve seen it with my own eyes.  on two separate occassions.

ladies: got your Easter dress yet?

were you feeling a little left out while looking at the hot slammin fashions in Steve Harvey’s Easter Pimp line?  well pick your faces up, lovelies!  Steve  Harvey has not forgotten you.  just in time for Easter 2010, Steve Harvey presents:  Steve Harvey’s Saved and Sexy Church Suit and Accessory Collection.  it includes skirt suits, pant suits (for the non-traditional woman), and of course, hats.  in case you are the type of grown ass woman to still get new outfits and hair for Easter and haven’t gotten yours yet, here are a few pieces to get you inspired.

JESUS WANTS ME FOR A DAFFODIL

Sister, you are fresh as a new spring daffodil.  You are bright and radiant as God’s promise to the world.  You are yellow as Sister Cora’s potato salad (you told her she uses too much mustard, but did she listen?). You are beautiful!  Are they hating?  Don’t worry, girl.  They talked about Jesus, too.

god’s new year resolution.

i think it was to send you all a gospel version of the electric slide/cha cha slide/cupid shuffle.

heard this on the radio.  it’s called the ‘sanctified slide.’  heard it in the car the other day.  immediately said to myself ‘SWEET MOSES, PLEASE LET THERE BE A VIDEO.’  and you know what?  there totally is.

i’m not sure why all of this made me so happy.  i think i just like it when they make gospel versions of things that weren’t gospel in the first place.  like if they made a gospel version of ‘pumps and a bump?’ i’d actually buy it.  i haven’t bought a CD since 1999.  damn a CD, even, i’d get that on cassingle.  i also really like the dude calling out the moves.  Jr. Deacon Thompson.  in his pink tommy polo.  i bet he wears that to every 1st Corinthian Leather Baptist Church picnic.

for those of you dancing along at home, the dance steps are as follows:

1 – walk in the spirit (even the spirit appreciates a good two-step)

2 – shake the devil off (did u know that jesus harlem shook lucifer away during the temptation on the mount?)

3 – stomp satan lower  (satan: “ARISE, MINIONS!  TONIGHT WE SHALL TORMENT THE EARTH AND CURSE ALL THAT IS—wait.. wait a second… is that Sister Jenkins orthopedic nursing shoes i’m feeling?  shit.  we gotta try this again tomorrow night, guys.”)

4 – dance like david danced (apparently, after slaying goliath, he threw his hands in the air and proceeded to wave them as if he just didn’t care.  in a circle.)

GO IN PEACE + SIN NO MORE.  also, clap, clap-clap your hands.  amen.