Category Archives: BmcP exclusives

b.mc.p exclusive! an interview with Keri Hilson’s vagina

with all the hoopla and hullabaloo and rigamarole surrounding Keri Hilson’s latest video, “The Way You Love Me,” which has gotten an incredible amount of bad press due to its hyper sexual images and lyrics.  i met Keri’s vagina in the sun room of her mansion, where she sat in a recliner wrapped in a neck brace, sipping a cup of chamomile tea.

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your nappy ass roots: Roosevelt Franklin

brought to you by the letters R, G, and B.

Roosevelt Franklin was a member of the cast of Sesame Street in the early 1970s.  A revolutionary character, Roosevelt was believed to be African-American based on the way he spoke and his propensity to sing/dance/rhyme/scat in normal conversation.  He was founder of Roosevelt Franklin Elementary school, wherein he taught his pupils, also believed to be black for the same reasons, lessons in black pride and nationalism, an agenda considered radical by the other residents of Sesame Street.  In one of his most famous, daring lessons, Roosevelt taught his pupils about Africa in an attempt to erase the stereotypical imagery planted in their heads by western media.

Shortly after this lesson aired, Roosevelt Franklin was found shot to death in his dressing room.  No one was ever arrested, but 5 large, yellow feathers were found at the crime scene.

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BHM exlusive!: an interview with Ray J

are you here for the love of black history month?

welcome to what will hopefully be the first of a series of exclusive interviews with some of the most prominent and influential black personalities in our community in honor of black history month.  for our first installment, i had the opportunity to sit down with “musician” and reality tv “star” Brandy’s Brother Ray J over a couple of fried bologna sammiches.  i wanted to discuss a few specific things:  how he feels about the current state of black America, what he thinks about the job that fine ass President Obama has done so far, and what he plans to do with semi-lame ass Mz Berry, “winner” of For the Love of Brandy’s Brother Ray J season 2.

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black history month quickies!

one of these people invented Grape Drink. guess who?

koochiechakakhan, everybody!

to supplement the longer looks we’re taking into our unknown black history via Your Nappy Ass Roots, i thought i’d act on my good buddy kenan‘s suggesion and set up a little tumbler to blast some quick little known facts for everybody as we boogie on down in this black history month extravaganza.  i’ve been doing it via twitter, but if you’re lame and not following me yet, you missed em!

so for your convenience, pleasure, and cultural IQ, here you go.  each one teach one, brothers and sisters.

love,

Brokey “I Cast Off my Slave Name” McPoverty

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your nappy ass roots: Doc Louis

awwwww yeah!  welcome to black history month, suckas!  we’re gonna get this crazy train rollin with our first installment of Your Nappy Ass Roots, a segment that spotlights little known black history facts that they don’t teach you in schools.

we’ll start by taking a look at Doc Louis, Little Mac‘s trainer in the popular Nintendo boxing series Punch-Out!!, and the first openly gay black video game character in Nintendo’s history.

double entendre like a motherfucker.

Formerly a heavyweight boxer, Jerome “Doc” Louis’ presence achieved fame in the United States around 1954.  Decades later, Doc, now coaching the sport, has a chance encounter with a young fighter named Little Mac, who has aspirations to box professionally. Louis agrees to take charge of Mac, teaching him everything there is to know about boxing.   Now, via Doc Louis’s Punch-Out!! , other players can actually train against him as part of gameplay.

Between Little Mac’s rounds, Doc can be seen in the corner offering words of encouragement and making thinly veiled sexual references via discussion of “chocolate bars,” a well known reference to black penises.  Throughout the game, he makes such statements as “Don’t cry, Mac.  Here, I’ll let you have some of my chocolate bar,” and “As soon as I find out how he got so big, I’m gonna have the same thing done to my chocolate bar!”  No really, he says these things.  He officially came out after confiding his secret to Little Mac during one of these mid-match chats.

In 1996, Doc Louis was honored by the National Association of Gay Black Nintendo Characters for his trailblazing.  This pretty much meant that Doc gave the award to himself, as there are no other black Nintendo characters.

this has been Your Nappy Ass Roots.  when you comb through that shit, you never know what you’ll find.  harambee!

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ridiculous moments in r&b, part 2

floaters

it took 12 years, but here we go again!  ridiculous moments in r & b part deux!  in no particular order, the winners are:

1.  Who let your drunk uncles in the studio?? i have no idea how ‘Float On’ by the Floaters came about, but i’m guessing it went something like this:

Larry: ay!  ay yall, this where my nephew Ronnie J come in here and do his music shit at…i think he got some beer in a fridge here somewhere down here since Paul done drank up all the everythang.

Paul: you cain’t put that on me, man!  you know i don’t drink no beer if it ain’t malted anyway, you hear me??!  *pimp runs around the room*

Charles: WHERE THE ‘YAC AT??!

Ralph: shut up, fool!  hey Larry, what you say Ronnie ‘nem do in here?  music?  aw, shit, we could do that!  we can make somethin for the ladies, man!

Charles: AIN’T NO MAD DOG OR NOTHIN IN HERE, MAN!

Larry: yeah!  say, man, that ain’t a bad idea!  there’s this redbone that work at the Snackin Shack i been tryin to get at for the longest!

Ralph: awwww yeah!  i’ma get on that microphone, talkin bout some “I’M A SCORPIO!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN, GIRL??!”  *inappropriate hip gyration*

Charles: THIS SOME BULLSHIT!!!

gotta hand it to em though.  the foot action is *crazy* and this song is better than ANYTHING that trey songz will ever do in the history of his life.

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‘Donnie McClurkin Likes Dick: The Musical’

hello, young man. come and let me lay some holy hands on that ass.

and it’s okay.  it’s okay that donnie mcclurkin likes dick.  really.  i don’t give a shit.  nobody else does either.  well, i guess the portion of his fans/supporters that are conservative anti-gay christians may care and as a result may stop buying his music.  and i guess that’s why he’s been caught out in the streets being his hypocritical self again, this time picking on gay youth.  personally, im bored with it.  i think the things he’s saying abt gay folk are abhorrent, and while im being angry abt it, im also feeling very sorry for him too.  there’s somethin tragic at work here that makes him and others like him feel like being gay isn’t okay.  and that’s sad.

seeing him do this again is very angering though.  earlier today i thought it wld be a good idea to write a song called ‘donnie mcclurkin likes dick,’ because i am one of those people who feels that her inner thoughts, feelings, and emotions are best described in interpretive dance, monologues, or in song form.  problem is im not that great a song writer so i can’t compose a sweeping instrumental good enough to bear the weight of my words.

so i stole somebody else’s.  i thought you’d be able to hear it better if it was done in ‘to-the-tune-of’ style.  disclaimer:  this is probably, on some level, blasphemous and offensive as the word “Christian” appears alongside other such words as “dick,” “cock,” and “nigga.”  but i don’t care.  if u will, stop reading and go away.

if u wont, LET THE PARTY BEGIN!  to the tune of lil flip’s ‘game over’ (an oldie, and a generally terrible song, but ‘flip’ and ‘dick’ rhyme too well to ignore)!

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