Category Archives: crackheads

hair of the day

…surely this can’t get any worse.  right?

MOTHERFUCKER

(found via this lovely lady’s flickr)

jon arbuckle was a headcase.

only we couldn’t see it so clearly because we were distracted by the loveable, lardy obesity of garfield.  his presence helped us laugh at john’s shortcomings and see him as the loveable loser, but take that away and you basically have a clinically depressed, bi-polar schizoid.  no, really. 

clinical depression:  symptoms:  lethargy; suicidal thoughts/attempts; fatigue; immense sadness; isolation; feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and helplessness.

manic depression/bipolar disordera mood disorder characterized by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood (mania), followed by episodes of intense depression, or mixed episodes characterized by the presense of both mania and depression simultaneously.

schizophrenia:  symptoms:   disorganized thinking, auditory hallucinations, and delusions.

these are from the uber fantastic project garfield minus garfield.  whoever noticed that jon was completely batshit in the course of enjoying garfield’s fat ass antics seems like my kinda person.  keen eye.  good observation. 

poor jon 😦

*pic source

we tryna buy back our 40 acres (c) kanye

but hotdamnit.. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO DO IT

join me in thinking of better things he could have done with the money he spent on his eye, shall we? 

-a really, really big gift certificate to Cracker Barrell

-a shitload of various & sundry meat and cheese trays

-drugs, booze, or other self-medicating materials to dull the pain of having lost that eye in the first place

-the ‘hell date’ midgets

-many t-shirts that say ‘I MAY HAVE LOST MY EYE BUT I AM STILL A MAN AND I DONT HAVE TO BUY A 100K DIAMOND EYE TO PROVE IT’

-an actor to pretend to be his father to give him all the hugs his real dad never did as a child

-lots & lots of disease-free whores

-even more potentially diseased whores (the fun part is not knowing what they have!)

-the masters to all of Disco Rick’s songs

things that will unfortunately not appear on this list:  validation, common sense, a functioning eye, rhyming ability.

im filing this one under ‘kill yourself expeditiously.’

a general list of celebrity crackheads

i dont know if this is a countdown list or what.. im thinking it cant be, cause the biggest (crack)rock stars arent in the top 20, in my humble opinion.

anyway, i just stole this from popcrunch.  it contains all your favorite puffers and blowers–Snoop, Bobby & Whitney, DMX, Big Baby Jesus, Andy Dick, etc etc.  but i was surprised at some of the folks listed, like Orlando Brown and Haley Joel Osmet, the cute little muppet who saw dead people.  smh.  save the babies!

you won’t be at all surprised by who got #1.  very deserving.

http://www.popcrunch.com/busted-100-celebrities-arrested-for-drug-possession/

i blame geraldine ferraro.

Pauley Shore protests America’s ‘no whities’ policy with this innovative t-shirt.

for the longest time, i just thought pauley shore was unfunny, but it turns out ive been wrong.  he IS funny, it’s just that all these OTHER funny darkies make it hard for him to get his shine on.  yes.  yes that explains it.

if u dont want to sit through the video, here are some highlights:

-he first says he’s not playing the race card.  alright, pauly.  we’re with ya. 

-he says he’s as funny as katt williams, thusly losing any and all credibility he’s ever had in his LIFE.  he then goes on to whine abt all the specials katt gets, then says he gets them because he’s black.

-he then goes on to list several (mostly) funny black commedians:  dl hugley, monique (this is why i said ‘mostly’ funny), cedric the entertainer, martin lawrence, & charlie murphy.  re: charlie specifically, he says, ‘yeah, he’s funny, but the only reason he’s working is because he’s black.’  !!!!!!  HOLY SHIT!  bein black is GETTING niggas jobs now?!  when the shit did this start happening?!

-says that ‘white ppl are gonna be picking cotton…literally within three years,’ then goes on to say that ‘the blacks are on top.’  he may be right about this:  having the highest rate of AIDs/HIV cases, the highest risk of heart disease & high blood pressure and most numbers of men in jail, we’re the tops on some lists out there! w00t!

-comments on barack.  i’ll let you guess what he said there but.. im pretty sure that geraldine ferraro is his secret mom.

-does a gross impersonation of his black friends that reminded me very much of the 4 years i spent at one of the whitest colleges in the world (hi janie! lol).

-calls himself a ‘natural born comic,’ then references the fact that he grew up around comics like richard pryor and sam kennison at the comedy store, which–coincidentally, im sure–is owned by his parents.  yo.  im terrible at math and science.  my BA is in english and i know nothing about architecture, but i have been working at one of the world’s leading architecture firms for over a year.  do u trust me to run out and try and build somebody a skyscraper?  exactly.

id have so much more respect for pauly if he just came out and said ‘THESE N*GGERS ARE FUNNIER THAN ME AND IT MAKES MY HEART SAD!” then goin the strip-black-ppl-of-their-natural-talents-and-abilities route in order to justify the fact that he’s not on tv anyfucking more because he’s not funny.  i’d rather go see carrot top than him.  and i am TERRIFIED of carrot top–have u seen him lately?!

where’s his areolae?! HE’S AN ALIEN!!!

black history month spotlight: Disco Rick & the Dogs

this is Disco Rick. he wants to sing and dance with your children. now before you say no and gather your babies and run screaming ‘bedlam!’ in the streets, hear me out.

i think you’ll feel a little better when i tell you who Disco Rick is. you remember that song ‘Your Mama’s On Crack Rock?‘ if the title (and link) somehow elude you, it was a very important song that helped raise awareness of the chronic childhood teasing that the children of crackheads often face. that should make you feel better, my beautiful nubians, but if it doesn’t, hang in there.
Disco Rick is a big name in Miami bass music history. as his wikipedia entry states, “Rick began his music career with the Gucci Crew in the early 1980s, mixing music and writing lyrics that would go on to help define the Miami sound.” hear that? this man helped to define the music of an entire city. after making a name for himself, he then quit all that and went to making songs exclusively featuring a bunch of young, vulnerable, loudmouthed unfortunate-haired kids on both on the chorus and in the videos.

now who else was giving kids like this a chance? nobody, that’s who. nobody but Disco Rick. 

Disco Rick had other hits (i’m guessing,) but to my knowledge, very few people outside of Miami have a recollection of the classic “The Nasty Dance.” in context, the setup is perfect: he’s in Miami, on the beach, plenty of thongged, bikini-clad beach bunnies available to grind, gyrate, and air-hunch in the video. and oh, there’s gyrating. there’s air-hunching.

but its those same little crack rock kids doin the hunching.

there are several things (clearly) wrong with this video. first, Disco Rick is not the only grown ass man dancing in this pre-pubescent fountain. there are two muscley, sweaty twins dancing very erratically. remember the black panther type people dance-marching at the beginning of the ‘fight the power’ video? imagine them on the PCP. that’s what these twins are doing.

there is a little girl in the video, probably around 5 or 6 years old i gather, who is seemingly the only one who has any sense. in the beginning, she looks at Disco Rick and asks ‘what are you doing?’ while making a face that plainly says ‘..what in the blue hell is YOUR problem, punchy?’

in the beginning, you’re rooting like shit for this little girl, praying that she will walk away with hips that have not yet humped or bumped or grinded or anything before their time. but…

..fucking Disco Rick gets to her too.

i totally forgot that i was supposed to be convincing you that its okay to let your kids hang out with Disco Rick. fuck it, i got nothin. find these babies’ parents and charge them with neglect, asap.

back to crack: winehouse caught in the act

supposedly.  i mean its The Sun.  and that’s run by Brits.  you know how the Brits are.*

i dont even think there’s too much to say about this.  she a crackhead.  the sky’s blue.  that’s kinda just how things are in the atmosphere.

what i do want to draw your attention to, though, is the angriest wedding photo in the world:

‘RAR!  i hate photographs that capture blissful matrimonial moments!’

tell u what, though.  i hope she gets help, but i think more than that, i hope this writer’s strike ends soon so that SNL can harvest this fine, fine crop of untapped unintentional comedy that’s been sproutin up everydamnwhere. 

*i actually dont have a concrete prejudice here, believe it or not.  i ifgured you cld make up your own.