Category Archives: delicious

dear dr. drew: a love letter.

i'd love to see YOUR loveline, doctor. HAW HAW HAW!

as i sit here watching you talk to a bunch of kids who had babies, i kind of can’t help myself.  it’s emotional porn, the way you spread your caring around, how you caress those on the stage with the softness of your voice but put a little bass in it when someone decides to get loud and wrong.  the way you lean in and peer into the center of someone’s eyes when they speak.  the way you listen.  like, really, really listen.  sigh.  you speak to that need in me, the unscratchable itch that screams “OMFG I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHATEVER SPORT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.  I JUST NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY, CAN I FUCKING DO THAT, PLEASE?!”  you are the human embodiment of a shopping spree, a walking bowl of chocolate covered winning lottery tickets dipped in good dreams and free foot rubs.  just win.  just so full of win.

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i’m not going to say anything.

i’m just going to put up this picture of (not so) Lil Romeo shirtless at the Hip Hop Honors and not say one single solitary word.

that’ll do, Romeo.  that’ll do.

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Dear Mr. President:

you really need to stop doing this to me.

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my first husband/baby daddy cannot be Muslim

beacuse i am SO getting our percious bundle/little bastard one of these.

let me keep it funky tho.  i might get one for myself.  right now.

many many thanks to p_rn_ll @ marveloustimes for this.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS

TELL ME

TELL ME QUICKLY

(via gayshitgoeshere‘s twitter & tumbler – warning!  not always work safe!)

keith olbermann makes my panties moist.

this has already been established.

but this really, really helped to solidify it.

PREACH, DADDY!!  YO U BETTA PREACH!!!

american idol: remember Jenry?

Jenry, i believe, tried out for American Idol two or three years ago.  i can’t remember what Jenry sounded like,  but oh yes lord, i remember what he looked like.  he had me feeling extra pervy because he was only sixteen years old at the time.  i know, i know,  but dude… look at him!!!  can you blame me??!  that is NOT the face of your average 16 year old, at least give me that.

well, ladies and gentlemen…. JENRY DONE GREW THE FUCK UP.

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the fattest thing i ever ate: a review.

if you are well versed in internets, you know about the bacon obsession swimming around the foodie world.  if there’s any random product, edible or otherwise, that  you’d like to see injected with bacon, somebody in the internets has probably had the same thought, and made it happen.  bacon salt.  bacon mayonnaise.  bacon mints.  bacon in a bottle.  bacon envelopes. bacon bra.   you dream it, it’s probably out there.

i was perusing the aisles of my favorite snazzy wine spot the other day  and was looking at all the bourgie artisan snacks and treats they also carry.  they specialize in dry meats (*snicker*) and stinky cheese.  i have little interest in either.  i DO have an interest in chocolate though.  i also have an interest in bacon.  my mind was sort of blown when i saw this:

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gratuitous keston karterness.

okay, so i know that a fair portion of the female constituents that chit chat on this blog have an aversion to keston because of the gay that seems to coat his visual appearance, but.  *i* still think he’s nice to look at  and more importantly, my blog gets a lot of hits from people searchin for him, and this is a blatant ploy to get even more hits by making another keston karter entry.

so.  all about keston karter.  + lots and lots of pics.  naked pics.  NAKED KESTON KARTER.  TOTALLY NOODE.

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keston karter was born a small irish child on the east side of boston in 1975.  at the age of 7, he took up with a band of pickpocketing vagrants.  one chilly november evening, he picked the pocket of the neighborhood sourceress, in disguise as an old unsuspecting lady with wads of $100 bills falling from her pockets.  an obvious target, keston took the bait; to punish him, the sorceress (who was racist, which is a given, being from boston and all) decided to punish him with the worst fate she could think of:  turning him into a black man.  keston later grew to be the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen.  he also sued her for entrapment on the grounds that that little stunt she pulled set him up Marion Berry style.

keston took the money he won from his brillion dollar lawsuit and moved to the city of lights, the city that never sleeps, the city where dreams are born and legends are made:  nutbush, tennessee.  while there, he cut a multi-record deal with Holly Parton (dolly’s adopted cousin’s stepmother’s brother’s third baby mama), but holly soon left the outfit, claiming that she was “too punk-rock for this.”  she went on to move to england and become kelly osbourne, son daughter of the famous ozzy osbourne, and keston fell into a deep depression, the effects of which were lessened only by gambling and listening to ‘natural woman’ by aretha franklin.

his saving grace came when, in 1986, keston threw up on danny devito’s shoes.  outraged, danny went batshit crazy and tried to shatter keston’s shins with the toe of his shoe, kicking furiously.  unable to actually reach keston’s shins, however, danny left the scene, dejected, and vowed to find him again one day.  and he did just that; in 2002, danny tracked keston down to have him audition for the part of Jonesie in his upcoming show Reno 911.  keston did a spectacular job and was called back to read for the part again.  “keston, i have to say, you did a great job and you’d be perfect for the role,” danny said, but then screamed  “TOO BAD I HATE YOU!  YOU THREW UP ON MY SHOES, I AINT GIVIN YOU SHIT!”

ruminating on what had just happened, and on his life in general, keston proclaimed, “fuck this, ima just take my shirt off and get paid for it!”  he then walked outside the building, took his shirt off, and money began to fall at his feet.

the end.

*all pics except the 2nd are from kestonkarter.com, as is an alternate biography.  im pretty sure mines is most accurate, though.

it’s B. McP’s black history month extravaganza!

yes yes yall. its that time again–time to learn about how martin luther king and rosa parks invented peanut butter, died for our sins, and saved the black race by writing ‘we shall overcome’ when they were resurrected on the 7th day.

or, if you’re me, its time to correct your nieces and nephews when they come home with the tall black history month tales they’ll learn in school everyday, like how Lincoln freed the slaves and all that jazz. as your resident conspiracy theorist, i have decided to dedicate myself to sharing with you guys the same truths that i share with my babies. it’s the least i can do–the world really needs to know the truth.

so im cookin up a black history month menu fit to feed an army of al sharptons. im talkin features such as interviews with the people (and facial accessories) closest to our favorite black celebrities; diatribes on the most unknown black history month heroes (ie – Burnita Smith-Jones, inventor of putting foil on the ends of little girls’ braids to keep the beads from falling off); and something im very, very excited about, ‘Rap/RnB Songs that Nobody Remembers but Me.’

im pretty excited. the truth kind of does that to me, and i cant wait to serve yall up a big helping of it. we can start with a trip to PostBourgie, where throughout the month, i’ll be contributing a little-known black history fact for the masses. for example- i bet u didnt know this abt Whoopi Goldberg:

Born Caryn Elaine Johnson in 1955, Whoopi Goldberg rose to fame in the acting world, becoming the second back woman to win an Academy Award for her role in the 1975 blackploitation film “Blackface Jones and the Temple of Jive.” After beating pinkytoe cancer in 1963, Goldberg established Brows(e) for a Cure, an organization that encourages people to donate their eyebrows to make wigs for others battling the disease. She continues to donate to this day.

milky baths are great for pinkytoe cancer!

now if that aint some delicious shit, i dont know what is.

happy black history month, yall. ashe.