Category Archives: kill yourself expeditiously

Mel Gibson needs to hire some kittens.

so batshit Mel Gibson went a little bit batshittier in the days that i havent been updating.  im sure yall know that so we won’t go over the details.

but the homie young h of go in radio tweeted me a gem over the twitter earlier today and a lightbulb brighter than a thousand suns exploded over my head.  this is it!  here’s the answer!  from here on out, Mel Gibson, whenever you open your mouth to say any gotdamned thing, or when you have to respond to something else dumb and criminal that you’ve said:  say it with kittens.  straight up.  i mean you’ll still look like a dick with a chemical imbalance, but at least you’ll be able to make some people say ‘awwwww!’ in the process.

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hair of the day

…surely this can’t get any worse.  right?


(found via this lovely lady’s flickr)

white people don’t look like terrorists.

at least not according to House GOP candidate Dan Fanelli.  check out this ad he’s got running in Florida, as reported by Greg Sargent at The Plum Report (i found this via @USSClueless):

…there are a few people who beg to differ with that logic:

these lily white men are responsible for the deaths and woundings of nearly 1,000 American citizens (click their pictures or click here to read about their crimes).  and this isn’t even considering the murders and attacks carried out by the most well-known American terrorist group, the kkk.

but all terrorists are brown tho.

lol okay.

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you are dead to me, Iago the parrot!!!

"squawk! Polly needs some racial sensitivity classes! squawk!"

i have always defended Gilbert Gottfried when people would talk about how annoying and unfunny he was.  i liked him, largely because Aladdin is/was one of my favorite racist ass Disney movies ever, and Gilbert, of course, was the voice of Iago, Jafar’s hatin’ ass, evil ass sidekick.

turns out that evilness followed Gilbert right out of that soundbooth and has been with him ever since, and is illustrated in this audio clip from (which i found via fungkeblakchik via twitter) in which he finds it appropriate to call Barack Obama the quote/unquote n-word.

go listen here.  then come back here so we can rant and rave together.  i’ll wait.



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gidiot of the day

my 16-year-old niece called me a gidiot once.  my instinct was to get mad, but first i had to ask her wtf a ‘gidiot’ was to see if making fun of her retarded vernacular would be a more appropriate response.  she said that a gidiot was a ‘goofy idiot,’ and… i kinda liked it.

that was the first word that came to my head and out of my mouth when i saw this dude.  he got a huge pair of dirty hipster douchebag glasses tattooed to his face.  to his face.  tattooed there.  forever.

you’ve got your very own star of david now, guy.  or, more appropriately, star of doucheness.  good luck living with that for the rest of your life!

Mo Money Taxes.

so.  im sitting here in my room, watching my big extra super fantastic big ol screen tv when it suddenly explodes, displaying 40 inches of ridiculousness in the form of the commercial i’m about to show you.  before we get to the viewing, let me tell you a bit about the company.

Mo Money Taxes is apparently a tax preparation service.  they seem to have found some level of success, since, according to the website, they have multiple offices pretty much all over the American south, and also some midwestern states.

that being said, let me tell you that this particular commercial features a large white man with green hair yelling phrases such as:  “I’M TOE UP FROM THE FLO UP!”, “BLAME IT ON THE AH-AH-AH-AH-AH-AHKKAHOL!”, “WHERE DEY DO DAT AT?!'” and “CALM THE HELL CALM DOWN!”  it also features an angry man standing and yelling “IT’S FINNA GET REAL UGLY UP IN HERE!'”  ready?

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‘Donnie McClurkin Likes Dick: The Musical’

hello, young man. come and let me lay some holy hands on that ass.

and it’s okay.  it’s okay that donnie mcclurkin likes dick.  really.  i don’t give a shit.  nobody else does either.  well, i guess the portion of his fans/supporters that are conservative anti-gay christians may care and as a result may stop buying his music.  and i guess that’s why he’s been caught out in the streets being his hypocritical self again, this time picking on gay youth.  personally, im bored with it.  i think the things he’s saying abt gay folk are abhorrent, and while im being angry abt it, im also feeling very sorry for him too.  there’s somethin tragic at work here that makes him and others like him feel like being gay isn’t okay.  and that’s sad.

seeing him do this again is very angering though.  earlier today i thought it wld be a good idea to write a song called ‘donnie mcclurkin likes dick,’ because i am one of those people who feels that her inner thoughts, feelings, and emotions are best described in interpretive dance, monologues, or in song form.  problem is im not that great a song writer so i can’t compose a sweeping instrumental good enough to bear the weight of my words.

so i stole somebody else’s.  i thought you’d be able to hear it better if it was done in ‘to-the-tune-of’ style.  disclaimer:  this is probably, on some level, blasphemous and offensive as the word “Christian” appears alongside other such words as “dick,” “cock,” and “nigga.”  but i don’t care.  if u will, stop reading and go away.

if u wont, LET THE PARTY BEGIN!  to the tune of lil flip’s ‘game over’ (an oldie, and a generally terrible song, but ‘flip’ and ‘dick’ rhyme too well to ignore)!

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one of the worst cases of child abuse ive heard of in awhile.

thanks (i guess?) to dre for this.


New dad names daughter Sarah McCain Palin

ELIZABETHTON, Tenn. — A new father has secretly named his baby girl Sarah McCain Palin after the Republican ticket for president and vice president.

Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put that name on the documents for the girl’s birth certificate, ignoring the name Ava Grace, which he and his wife had picked earlier.

“I don’t think she believes me yet,” he told the Kingsport Times-News for a story to be published Tuesday. “It’s going to take some more convincing.”

Ciptak, a blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to “to get the word out” about the campaign.

“I took one for the cause,” he said. “I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.”


….seriously, id divorce his ass for this, take him to the cleaners, and donate all the loot to Barack*.  what a doosh.


*im lyin, i’d buy a jacuzzi.


“when you say teenage, how old you talkin?”


yo. i hate r. kelly man. i fucking hate r. kelly. i just watched his “interview” on BET, and as soon as i finish this blog entry, im gonna go email toure and ask him how robert kelly’s ass tastes, because that vacant-eyed bastard was in his shit aaaall niiiiight long! (note: that’s an exaggeration, but if you factor in my hatred of r.kelly, then its VERY accurate). i mean dude! off top, first question should have been:

“so, r. kelly–why did you pee on that baby?”

second question:

“why you lie like that wasn’t you on that tape?”

the third question i’d address to the NAACP, et. al:

“why in wet water-sporting rubber-sheeted hell did you simple bitches give an image award to this joker AFTER it was establish that he likes to pee on babies? THAT WAS HIS IMAGE! a baby-pisser! do u know u gave out an award for baby-pissing??’

fourth question would be addressed to all of america, right into the camera:

hey kids!  get your very own r. kelly doll, now with spastic kungfu bladder!

hey kids! get your very own r. kelly doll, now with spastic kungfu bladder!


TOURE! YOU SOFT, N!GGA! I FEEL ASHAMED ON YOUR MOTHER’S BEHALF! you shoulda crucified that ol barely legal, call-me-daddy, sex zoo singin, functionally illiterate, kid pissing sumbitch.
in response to why people were charging that there were issues with kelly to look for (by his brother and employees), r’s explanation was basically that they were mad because he fired them. everybody wants a piece of r. kelly, he said, and when he doesn’t give it to them, they take it. don’t listen to them, he says.


oh, and the crowning glory, my loves. toure asks him if he likes teenagers. kell’s response:

“when you say teenage, how old you talkin?”


oh, and check THIS shit out. he kept talkin abt how this episode has made him stronger and strengthened his writing skills.


okay, that last bit was 100% grade A hate, no fillers, no chasers. but fuck him, yo! he deserves it! i hate r. kelly! pied piper. PIED FKING PIPER! like…. $@$!@#$!#$%$^

let me get out of this entry and go find somebody with some pressure pills b/c mine is UP right now, i swear to bob.

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internet douchebags revealed: mr. cool ice



so every blog entry or article or photo montage of terrible tattoos that ive ever seen has included this guy. his name (clearly) is mr. cool ice. i saw him again today while scrolling through this slideshow and finally decided to google and find out exactly who this jerkwad is.

apparently there’s a video of him out there, talking abt himself and basically explaining the fuckery that covers his body and entire life, by proxy. cept it was in german. this guy got somebody to translate it though, so if you were as curious as i have been, praise the baby moses, cause here’s your answers, you bastards. quick fact sheet:

-he spent over 6 thousand US dollars on that dumb shit. do you know what i could do with 6 thousand US dollars? i could buy 60,000 pieces of penny candy and fill my room with them and jump and dive and swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck used to do. and that would be money far better spent.

-he’s been going by the name ‘mr. cool ice’ for 13 years. my guess is that he adopted it in the days of Vanilla Ice’s reign and really ran with it. that’s about as smart as me getting ‘HD-DVD’ tatted on my ass. that is not always going to be the hot shit, brother, i regret to inform you.

-he’s german. oddly enough, that kind of explains all this for me.

the best thing about this guy’s existance is that his shit-ass name reminds me of the Cool Dr. Money episode on ‘my brother and me.’ lol remember that show? when dee dee got that wack ass haircut?