“can’t you see my fuckin outfit? im a part-time stripper AND i do hair.”
so i went to see ‘ironman’ at the moobies saturday. i went with someone else, and i can’t really say that i would have made a move to go see this one alone; i dont know anything abt the comic its based on, and didnt even know such a character existed til i started seein promos for this movie. i wasn’t moved by ’em. if ida picked the flick that day, i prolly wlda been tryna see what happens to jesus the lion in the next narnia flick.
but let’s focus here. this aint abt caspian & nem, its about the great transformation of this guy to this guy:
wOw. u cant see a trace of the cocaine, valium, alcohol, bi-polarness, or that album of his that nobody heard. impressive! screw whatever downey did between his last arrest in 2000 and now; Ironman is definitely his comeback. also, a note to the fellas: gray hair is *hot.* see how boo boo is workin it up there? put the ‘just for men’ down and accept it. thanks.
as previously stated, i had no knowledge of the Ironman character before this film. while watching, though, i was pretty sure i could make a good guess at its origins. in the film, downey is mechanics whiz tony stark, maker of some of the most kill-ass weapons in the world. while in a place that one could only call Nameless Terroristville, Middle East, stark gets kidnapped, saved by a muslim doctor who hooks his ticker up to a magnet and a car battery to keep schrapnel from gettin in there and killin him til he’s dead, and then ordered by guys who are probably billed in the credits as Terrorist 1 and Terrorist 2 to build his latest, most terrifying weapon yet: the Jericho missile.
now i thought this missile was totally made up, but it turns out that they do exist, though not in the o-god-i-just-peed-myself kind of way that they did in the movie. i mean the stuff on the wiki page does not sound pleasant, but in the movie? man, this shit was like.. okay, so the thing fired, right, and it goes all high up in the sky, and then–i kid you not–the bitch GIVES BIRTH in mid-air. so then its just like, raining nuclear warheads and shit, i swear.
see? told you.
it was terrifying. NOBODY should have one of these things, not even the god blessed US of A, and in the movie, not only do we have them, but Johnny B. Terrorist will soon have one too. holy fuckballs, this can’t be good.
here’s where i decided that the Ironman comic probably debuted during the Vietnam war when everybody was all like, ‘boooo weapons are bad, no war, booooooo!’ cause there’s a clear anti-war and anti-blowing motherfuckers up message in the movie. switch out afganistan for vietnam and bam. i was so right.
so while he’s there being held captive in the cave with his friendly doctoral sidekick, he instead draws up plans to build a superfantastically devistating suit of armor to get his ass up outta there instead of building the missile. of course those wacky terrorists are none the wiser, because they STOOPID! they totally had no idea that he was welding some iron draws instead of a huge iron maiden of death! ha! go america! tony gets his draws on and totally kills the hell out of the terrorist with his big ol cuban missile arms and whatnot and he escapes and gets rescued and gets back to the states with a new outlook on life. he sorta noticed that he was profitting from the death of hugillions of people and maybe sorta kinda went crazy a little bit (but not as crazy as Serah Winchester went with the guilt of all the people who had been murdered by Winchester rifles) and decided to shut down the business that had turned him into a multi-billion dollar vagina magnet. he then spends copious amounts of time perfecting his suit and getting splooged in the face by his robot assistants (it’ll make sense when you see the film). while all this is goin on, the trademark evil villian surfaces and the foundation is laid for a fight to the death, like with any good comic book flick. and yes, there’s also the must-have moment when the villian has our hero’s life in the palm of his hand and takes like 20 minutes to rundown his entire life story and go over the blueprints for his plan to destroy the world, and then leaves with the heart-warming assumption that the hero will be dead in a matter of minutes… without actually staying and making sure that it happens. villians are stupid, yo.
anyway, good vs evil, yaddah yaddah, happy ending.
now. here’s what i really liked about this movie:
1 – EXPLOSIONS. who doesnt like seein shit get blown up?! you’re guaranteed lots of flaming terrorists here folks. you can’t lose with burning terrorists.
2 – Tony Stark. jeez, what an asshole. he’s a sardonic, disrespectful, self-centered, womanizing, money hungry wise ass. and i LOVE HIM. i dunno how they did it! the guy’s a jerk; even after his change of heart, he’s still an ass (he talks HORRIBLY to his helpful robots throughout the movie, for one. how u gon be mean to somethin that was created to faithfully serve you and no one else??) but still manages to be wholly likeable. im still trying to figure it out. i love him though. maybe this is robert downey jr’s newfound hotness at work, i dunno.
3 – A human superhero! i mean.. guys who just wake up and can magically fly are cool, i guess. and guys who use magical webs or really really high-quality grappling hooks to mimic flight are too, i suppose. but yo. my man tony stark locked himself up for months MAKING himself extraordinary. it was refreshing to see him goin through trial and error, tryin to perfect his shit and sometimes almost dying cause of some shit he did wrong. i mean it wasnt refreshing cause he almost died.. he was just very relatable. AND a fucking genius! not only did dude build iron draws with the ability to kill an entire village, he made that shit FLY and designed a new super electro-whateveritwas called heart to keep him alive FOREVER.
i mean, those little pansies in tights who are born with the ability to fly? how impressive is that? all u gotta do is avoid green glowing rocks and ur good. that aint hard! just like the movie’s slogan says, ‘heroes arent born, they’re built.’ that gives the everyman the impression that he, too, can build a suit of iron and blow shit the fuck up. and who doesnt want to feel that way?? i know i do! i have a list. i know just who i’d start with (YES, IM LOOKING AT YOU WOMAN WHO SMOKES IN THE BATHROOM EVEN THOUGH SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO).
3 – THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH! maan there were just so many prime opportunites to scream out quotes from My Way Entertainment’s classic viral Juggernaut video. i did it the whole movie. the whole movie.
“YEAH, ITS THE JUGGANAUT, BITCH!”
“im made outta laffy taffy, motherfucker!”
i can’t go into too much detail about what i liked most about the film cause it might could contain some spoilers and i dont wanna ruin it for anybody. if u wanna know, hit the comments and i’ll email it to you, if either of us cares that much by then. lol
overall, i thought it was dope. fantastic explosions laced with some sick guitar riffs and a very, very sexy robert downey jr. i give this flick 3 out of 4 stars. a semi-nude shot of downey wlda gotten it to four. i swear ima get me a white man one day.
*Ironman stills are from this trailer @ imdb. Juggernaut stills are from the vid hosted @ dankster.org.