Category Archives: philly

the 5 best things about the move

a lot of folks have been asking me how the big more has gone (if you’re just tuning in, i moved back to my homeland of Louisville, KY, after living in Philly, PA for about four years); how i like it, how things are goin, etc etc.  i don’t know what it is about me, but sometimes i have, like, a mental block that keeps me to responding to comments and questions online and stuff.  i can’t explain it but sometimes its just hard for me to do.  so, for the convenience of all you nosey bastards out there, i decided to comprise a quick list of the 5 best and 5 worst things about the move, beginning with the best things and in no particular order:

ONE:the lower cost of living! in this economy, who wouldn’t enjoy having to pay less money to do necessary shit like eat, drink, have fun, and generally live?  nobody, that’s who!  no clearly, my broke ass hasn’t really had a chance to get out there and be too active on the capitalist playground, but i’m sure its common knowledge that smaller cities mean generally cheaper costs on generally general things.  allow me to offer as an illustration these two craigslist ads, the first for a 1 bedroom apartment near the University of Pennsylvania in Philly, the second a 1 bedroom apartment near the University of Louisville in a similar neighborhood.  and i’ll throw in a third: a TWO bedroom apartment in a similar Louisvillian neighborhood.  not too shabby, eh?  if i ever find a fricken job, i living here could get me to Richy von Moneyheimer status before we know it!

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girlfriends, rejoice! baseball is over!

we now return you to your regularly scheduled boyfriend.

but seriously folks… YAAAAY!  WOOOO!  GO PHILS!!!  i didnt even like baseball until like a month ago.  we dont have a pro ball team back where i come from, so its never been a big deal.  that’s prolly why its been so amazing to see the whole city go absolutely nuts for it.  i understand though; louisville did the same thing x yrs ago when U of L got into the Final Four.  all hours of the night, floodin the streets, bumper to bumper traffic.  ppl on foot.  ppl in cars.  ppl ON cars.  literally.

actual picture from the actual pandemonium

actual picture from the actual pandemonium

that was a big deal, but super small compared to what went on last night.  my neighborhood was fairly calm; i took a walk around and some corners were full of people yelling randomly at passers by; all the horns were honking.  some girl in a ‘girls gone wild’ hoodie ran around the neighborhood twice yelling GO PHILS! by the time i’d made it to one end.  lol.  it was fun.  meanwhile, on broad street:

omg how did he even get up there??

needless to say, most of my coworkers arent here today.  if i wanted to go ‘where’s waldo’ on that picture up there, i cld prolly find at least 4 of them in there.

in conclusion, very cool stuff.  this is sort of new to me, since im unaccustomed to living in a city with any kind of pro sports team.  i think i cld be more moved by everyone else’s emotion and hysteria than i am by the actual win.  i dunno tho; im really happy for everybody.

and by far, my favorite part of the game:  phillies fans took the time out of the rabid cheering to boo Mayor Nutter after he took the mic @ the stadium after the win.  lmao!  what assholes.  i love philly.

**broad street pics from here

wtf, philly metro. + way to go, j. andrew!

i meant to write to the metro (one of philly’s free newspapers) abt this, but i got sidetracked and then i just plum forgot. 

philly metro has gotten into this thing lately where they attempt to be funny and witty in their discussion of politics and the presidential race, right.  they sort of suck at it.  i love the metro, dont get me wrong but.. they just need funnier writers (IF YALL ARE READIN, GET AT ME).  in monday’s edition, someone wrote a segment called ‘5 things that can win it for mccain or obama.’   according to their list, the number 3 thing that john mccain can do, and i quote directly:

Get Michelle Obama to look as angry as you do.  People don’t like you because of your attitude?  Have you seen this woman?  She’s ready to go ghetto on someone’s ass.

now, im an asshole.  i appreciate the assholishness of others so long as it stops short of ignorance.  im not mad that they talkin abt Michelle lookin angry.  everybody looks angry sometimes!  but (can you guess what im finna say here?)…

WHY SHE GOTTA BE READY TO GO GHETTO THO??  i mean honestly!  if she was white she wldnt be no kindsa ghetto.  but naw, michelle’s bout to go ghetto.  sigh.  graduating from princeton and harvard, becoming a lawyer, and being poised to move into the white house apparently still aint enough for some folks to separate blackness and ghettoness.  lame move, metro.  someone with a better grasp of comedy and comedic writing wldnt have to take such a lazy leap tryin to get some laughs.  TWO DEMERITS FOR YOU.

monday’s metro saving grace came on the following page though, but not from its own writers; a one J. Andrew Smith of Bloomfield, NJ, sent in a letter to the paper, and i thought what he said makes a great quote so i wanted to share it:

Setting the record straight on Obama.  Let the record state:  Obama is 50% white, 50% black, 100% American, 100% Christian, 0% Muslim and 0% terrorist.  He represents a 100% change from Bush, not McCain’s 10%, and although less than 100% of Republicans are racists, 100% of racists vote Republican.

heh!  shut em down, J!

i saw (read: heard) Obama!!!

Obama was like, down the street & around the corner from my crib this past saturday.  it was the last of 3 rather unconventional stops in Philly, including the northeast & north philly.  he went WILLINGLY into north philly.  mccain aint never been to north philly!  shit, I’VE never been to north philly willingly.  i guess mccain didnt go b/c its a bit more dangerous for him.  when one of the Fuslims pulls a gun out of his beard & tells mccains to put his arms up, his inability to do so is just gonna look like indignance & Ahkbar Jenkins just might get a little frustrated at the insubordination.

that wasn’t funny.  its wrong to make fun of his issues after all he’s been through.  stop laughing.

anyway, west philly was the last stop, so i figure since it’s close, i’ll head down around 11 (he was supposed to go on at 1).  by the time i got down there, there was at least 2 million ppl there.  i stopped counting at 1 million because my brain got tired.  we were all still corraled in the line well after 1, when he was supposed to start speaking.  by the time my portion of the line reached the viewing area, the street was full of ppl pushed back for a good 2 blocks, so i didnt get close enough to see him 😦

but still though, it was so THRILLING!  seriously, i compare it to the first time i ever saw The Roots perform live; i cldn’t see them very well, but YO!  it was the Roots, alive and in person!  it was like meeting a superstar; quite a rush.

the speech he gave was pretty much the standard that you tend to hear at such events.  full of hope and change and not more of the same and mccain is out of touch and whathaveyou.  he’s such a personable person though; he just started talkin to the audience abt pie in the middle of the whole thing, branching off from a story abt stopping on the campaign trail because he wanted some pie.  ‘pie,’ he said.  ’cause that’s what i wanted.  some pie.  you make pie?’ he said to some lady in the audience.  ‘what kinda pie you make?  sweet p’taytuh pie?’

for some reason, him saying ‘pie’ over and over and over again was the funniest thing in the world to me.  and i thought to myself:  how wld this be goin down if it was creepy old man mccain having this conversation, what with his deliberate blinking and dead-behind-the-eyes stare?  itd just be odd.  he has like, 0 people skills and less believable charisma.  but, obama likes pie.  he said it and i believe it.  and as God is my witness, if i ever get that man in a room alone, best believe i will be wearing sweet potato pie-shaped nipple tassles, holding a sweet potato pie in each hand.  take that to the bank.

anyway.  he later told the crowd not to be ‘hoodwinked’ or ‘bamboozled,’ in that order.  that was pretty much a big WINK WINK to black folk, as if to say ‘see?  i aint forgot, now!’  i know, boo.  mama knows.

since im 5 ft 3 and a quarter and was surrounded by a grillion ppl, i was pretty much only able to get pictures of the faces of other rally attendees.  there werent many standout shots, but here are a few.

they gave everybody one of these stickers; i wore mine all day.

si, se puede!

si, se puede!

they prolly laughin abt the pie

fists punctuating a chant

fists punctuating a chant

i wasnt the only one to wear my obama sticker all day; the whole of west philly was completely obama’d out, long after the rally, from stickers to buttons to shirts, young & old.

maybe i’ll get to see him sometime.  and smell him.  a gentle sniff behind his ear.  mmmmm

*pees a little*

Livin’ la Vida ‘Lycia: Life in the Fast Layne

isn’t that a super dope title idea for Alycia Layne’s reality show?  i thoughted of it myself!

speakin of ‘Lycia, there’s more foolishment about:  she’s suing her former employer for–you’ll never guess–defamation of character

right on, sister girl!  don’t you let them make an ass of somebody who sends scanty pictures to a married man!  don’t you let them strip you of your integrity, oh ye who smacks cops in the face and calls em dykes to boot! 

i tell you what, she looked at the entire world and was like ‘arright world, check me out, this is what’s finna happen.  im gonna act up at work and be mad when i get fired for it.  then ima assault a cop and be surprised when i get arrested for it.  THEN, you’re gonna pay my bills cause nobody’s gonna hire a cuckoling cop-beater.  and you will like it.  nay–you will LOVE it.’

move over, maya angelou.  lycia is my hero now.

|article & pic source|

philly!: obama’s comin!

him and what’s her name are gonna have a debate @ the national constitution center on april 16th.  the good news is the the city will be made 105% sexier as soon as obama crosses in to the city limits.

the bad news is that its invitation only, so i wont get to fucking go unless the midget ninja i sent out to get me some tickets is successful. 

i am currently hoping that he’ll give a little talk elsewhere in the city that i can go to.  i am also wondering if me just casually hangin out by the rear entrance of the constitution center waitin for obama to show will arouse arrest-worthy suspicion.  i’ll let you know what i come up with.

alycia lane works white woman voodoo; up for potential pardon

lol.  i love america guys.  really i do.  i think what i love most is that tried and true standardized american story:

girl reads news.  boy reads news.  girl meets boy.  girl likes boy.  boy is married.  girl sends suggestive bikini pictures of self to boy.  boy’s wife finds pictures.  story is leaked to press.  girl retains job.  girl travels to new york. girl punches cop, calls her a dyke.  girl gets arrested, charged with felony.  story shames employer.  girl is put on paid leave.  girl is eventually fired.

so you’d think this is the end of the line for her, eh?  i mean its a felony.  she was a news reporter and she totally screwed that up.  but no, wait!  girl can have felony and the entire ugly incident completely wiped off her record forever if she stays clean for 6 months!

welcome to america, where we inifinitely believe in second chances.  for some people.  particularly hot ones. 

she’s also supposedly in phoenix, az, working on a book about her life.  next stop:  REALITY TV.  JUST WAIT AND SEE.

american idol, philly auditions.

somethin u shld know if u’re gonna check this blog frequently.  or even occasionally.  i looove trashy reality tv.  just love it.  its my guilty pleasure.  and this season looks like it’s gonna be the guiltiest yet cause there’s just so much good (read:  deplorable) trash tv on this season, between flavor of love 3, rock of love 2, vh1’s celebrity rehab (i hope i’m too classy to watch something that exploitive, but the jury’s still out as of yet), making the band 4 season 2, which i just saw the preview for yesterday, and now, american idol, which started last night.

 i admit, a lot of the fascination with this show has faded.  i mean it’s been on the air for 15 years already.  still, i was excited to see it, mainly because the first round of auditions were held right here in philadelphia.  i just KNEW i’d see 12 musliminas with cell phones tucked in their veils, 25 dudes in capris, and like a grillion freeway beards, but surprisingly, there wasnt *too* much typical phillyness on the stage.  they prolly just didn’t show all that. 

there were plenty hot messes, of course.  especially this guy. 

it was awesome to see paula being an asshole for once.  laughed all up IN this dude’s face.  and speaking of assholes, my favorite moment of the night:  some crappy guy or girl or whoever it was got up to sing and it was crappy.  simon says ‘i think we should throw this one to paula.’  paula starts on her ‘oh you have such an amazing spirit and blah blah blah im crazy’ talk but simon like, mollywops her into tellin the girl she couldnt sing.  then when the girl/guy leaves all sullen and dejected, simon turns to paula and says, ‘you broke that girl’s heart.  ruined her life.’ or somethin to that effect.  hilarious.

anyway, let’s move on to the important stuff:  you know that at least once per city the producers of american idol like to secure your seat in hell by showin somebody with like a really, really sad life that you shouldnt laugh at… but u just can’t help it because the rest of them is just so deliciously absurd on 3 or more levels?  meet temptress brown.  this is temptress.

temp
she’s happy!

temptress is a 16 yr old football player.  i dont know which school, but she just HAS to be from philly.  has to.  temptress.  first thing that popped into my head:  do her parents know what the word ‘temptress’ means??  temptress is not a name u give your kid from  birth.  no one wants an 8 year old temptress, literally or otherwise.  that’s like… a penname for ‘urban fiction’ writers.  anyway, speaking of her parents.. here’s her mom.

 do u see why you’re goin to hell now?  yeah.

so temptress announces she will sing ‘im not goin nowhere’ by jennifer hudson (known to most of us as ‘and i am telling you’ by jennifer holiday).  and she sings, and…. its not so good.  its bad enough to laugh at.  and then u immediately feel bad for laughing because you then see this:

what you see right before she murders your brains out.

and then you feel even worse because she starts to say she can’t go out to face her family because she failed.. and then everybody walks out there with her and you feel even shittier because you’re reminded of her mom’s condition. 

so she leaves, her dad gives her a big hug, and that’s that.  pack a bag.  the 3:10 to Hades is running early this week.  oh and speakin of her dad…

oh shit, is that ?uestlove? oh shit! 

*all pics and video or whatever appears courtesy of fox or whatever else im posed to say to keep from gettin in trouble.  i didnt take these pics!

beanie sigel’s anti-gun PSAs.

beanie’s recent sentence to one day in jail (quite the socialite sentence, no?) made me think of the PSA of his that’s been showin on philly tv stations lately, if not elsewhere.

broad st bully
ay yo. guns is bad, and i will shoot a bitch to prove it!

i dunno guys. he’s just not a believable spokesman. i mean aint that kinda like ronald mcdonald gettin on ur TV tellin u not to eat big macs no more? i dont believe you, beanie sigel! bic macs are DELICIOUS!

lol. hey philly.

per expectations, they canned Alycia Lane.

Alycia Lane
..for CBS3, I’m a self-righteous attention whore who doesn’t know when to stfu. Back to you, Bob.

lmao. i dont know why ive been so excited abt watching her downfall. just somethin satisfying in seein privileged mainstreamers who literally have it all–she was gettin $700,000 a year to read a teleprompter a few hours a day–who throw it all away cause they heads got too big to keep any common sense. its kinda like hearing bad news about those Hills broads. u shldn’t be famous anyway; meanwhile the talented individuals (*cough*LIKE ME*cough*) still gotta slave at a 9-5 everyday. u NEED to be taken down a notch or 12.

if there’s a smart TV mogul out there though, this is good news for somebody; this woman is a walking hit reality show, i’m tellin u. if it happens, i called it. im callin it now.

sometimes falls from grace taste like marshmallows 🙂