Category Archives: R. Kelly

ridiculous moments in r&b, part 2

floaters

it took 12 years, but here we go again!  ridiculous moments in r & b part deux!  in no particular order, the winners are:

1.  Who let your drunk uncles in the studio?? i have no idea how ‘Float On’ by the Floaters came about, but i’m guessing it went something like this:

Larry: ay!  ay yall, this where my nephew Ronnie J come in here and do his music shit at…i think he got some beer in a fridge here somewhere down here since Paul done drank up all the everythang.

Paul: you cain’t put that on me, man!  you know i don’t drink no beer if it ain’t malted anyway, you hear me??!  *pimp runs around the room*

Charles: WHERE THE ‘YAC AT??!

Ralph: shut up, fool!  hey Larry, what you say Ronnie ‘nem do in here?  music?  aw, shit, we could do that!  we can make somethin for the ladies, man!

Charles: AIN’T NO MAD DOG OR NOTHIN IN HERE, MAN!

Larry: yeah!  say, man, that ain’t a bad idea!  there’s this redbone that work at the Snackin Shack i been tryin to get at for the longest!

Ralph: awwww yeah!  i’ma get on that microphone, talkin bout some “I’M A SCORPIO!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN, GIRL??!”  *inappropriate hip gyration*

Charles: THIS SOME BULLSHIT!!!

gotta hand it to em though.  the foot action is *crazy* and this song is better than ANYTHING that trey songz will ever do in the history of his life.

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“when you say teenage, how old you talkin?”

OH, R. KELLY, YOU BABY-PEEIN MOTHERFUCKER.

yo. i hate r. kelly man. i fucking hate r. kelly. i just watched his “interview” on BET, and as soon as i finish this blog entry, im gonna go email toure and ask him how robert kelly’s ass tastes, because that vacant-eyed bastard was in his shit aaaall niiiiight long! (note: that’s an exaggeration, but if you factor in my hatred of r.kelly, then its VERY accurate). i mean dude! off top, first question should have been:

“so, r. kelly–why did you pee on that baby?”

second question:

“why you lie like that wasn’t you on that tape?”

the third question i’d address to the NAACP, et. al:

“why in wet water-sporting rubber-sheeted hell did you simple bitches give an image award to this joker AFTER it was establish that he likes to pee on babies? THAT WAS HIS IMAGE! a baby-pisser! do u know u gave out an award for baby-pissing??’

fourth question would be addressed to all of america, right into the camera:

hey kids!  get your very own r. kelly doll, now with spastic kungfu bladder!

hey kids! get your very own r. kelly doll, now with spastic kungfu bladder!

“…WHAT IN THE BALLS?!”

TOURE! YOU SOFT, N!GGA! I FEEL ASHAMED ON YOUR MOTHER’S BEHALF! you shoulda crucified that ol barely legal, call-me-daddy, sex zoo singin, functionally illiterate, kid pissing sumbitch.
in response to why people were charging that there were issues with kelly to look for (by his brother and employees), r’s explanation was basically that they were mad because he fired them. everybody wants a piece of r. kelly, he said, and when he doesn’t give it to them, they take it. don’t listen to them, he says.

..N!GGA. WE AINT LISTENIN TO THEM. WE LISTENIN TO THE VIDEOTAPE THAT YO ASS WAS IN, PEEIN ON BABIES ALL WILLY NILLY. WE SAW IT. EVERYBODY FUCKING SAW IT. digitized mole my big, supple, soft, deliciously moisturized ASS!

oh, and the crowning glory, my loves. toure asks him if he likes teenagers. kell’s response:

“when you say teenage, how old you talkin?”

….DAMNATION!

oh, and check THIS shit out. he kept talkin abt how this episode has made him stronger and strengthened his writing skills.

YOU CANT READ. BY PROXY, YOU DONT HAVE NO WRITING SKILLS. LITERALLY.

okay, that last bit was 100% grade A hate, no fillers, no chasers. but fuck him, yo! he deserves it! i hate r. kelly! pied piper. PIED FKING PIPER! like…. $@$!@#$!#$%$^

let me get out of this entry and go find somebody with some pressure pills b/c mine is UP right now, i swear to bob.

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wait–r. kelly’s ‘sex planet’ was nominated for a grammy?

what in the urinating pedophilic hell?

why?  how?  wtf?  ‘sex planet??!!?!’

i think this officially confirms that r kelly, while nearly illiterate and unable to form a grammatically correct sentence, has figured out the formula for successful mind control.  somewhere within these lyrics:

Jupiter /Pluto / Venus and Saturn /I’m leaving Earth girl to explore your galaxy /Ten to zero /Blast off here we go / We’ll be climaxin til we reach Mercury

…embedded in there somewhere is a subliminal message that says, “completely forget about all the little  girls i’ve peed on in my day and spend all your money on my mediocre, terrible metaphor laden music.  and oh yeah, grammy people?  hook it up! nominate in the name of love!’  and those grammy motherfuckers heard it.  and it worked.  may the lord save our souls. 

according to nymag.com, there are several reasons that i prolly shldnt watch the grammies, and lemme tell ya, that r kelly shit is tops on the list.  you prolly shldnt watch, either.

 but truth be told, with morris day & the time complete with jimmy jam performing, i probably will.  JEROME!  bring my my mirrah!