Category Archives: smh

come on out to the Light Skin vs. Dark Skin party!

first, let me state that this is A REAL EXISTING THING happening in columbus, ohio on january 21st.  this flier made it’s rounds around Twitter yesterday courtesy of steenfox.

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#celebritybodyparts

alternately  titled:  “Twitter Accounts That Never Should Have Existed (Or at Least Should Have Been Made by Funnier People)”

so im scouring the internets for a picture of brandy’s hairline (or lack thereof) today for the latest post at Splackavellie Central when i notice that not brandy’s hairline has its own twitter page.  i gave a hearty chuckle, then clicked, then didn’t know what to think when i saw said hairline tweeting to Solange’s naps, Usher’s balls, Alicia Keys’ hair, and Chaka Khan’s pinky toe.  (note:  i’m totally not shitting here).  i mean the list of random, inane body parts just went on and on!  apparently there was a brief movement back in summer 2009 (i’m guessing this is when it was because that’s when the tweets for most of these accounts stopped) for this army of disembodied twitterers to take over twitter but it never happened.

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hair of the day

…surely this can’t get any worse.  right?

MOTHERFUCKER

(found via this lovely lady’s flickr)

while we’re all mad at miley

seriously. are you *really* that surprised?

while we’re all angry at miley for backing it up all the way to the zipper on some 44 year old dude, can we please take a few moments to remember to be mad at the nasty ass 44 year old who KNEW that she was 16 and got his wee-wee rub on anyway?

i mean who cares about the way she was dancing.  she’s 16.  or 17 or whatever.  generations never approve of the pop culture of the ones that come after them.  your parents didn’t approve of the way you danced at 16 either, i don’t care if you were a flapper doing the charleston or on an HBCU campus doin the butt.  that’s just how it goes.

but THIS nasty son of a bastard just toots his pelvis forward and says ‘yeaaaahhh, little 16 year old girl!  my 45 year old penis is thoroughly enjoying this!’

i mean miley shouldn’t be rubbing her booty butt cheeks on a grown man anyway and she definitely have a finger wagged her way, but that dude needs at least 4 in his face.  balled up in a fist first.

nasty.

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does Tiger Woods owe you an apology?

i drew up a quick flow chart to help you determine whether he does or not.  you’re welcome.

lol. cant wait to hear microsoft’s explanation

after they “look into the details of this situation” (swiped this from GD @ PostBourgie):

Microsoft apologizes for altering photo to edit black man out of picture

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Wednesday, August 26th 2009, 11:35 AM

MicrosoftMicrosoft has apologized over doctoring the photo.

LOS ANGELES — Software giant Microsoft Corp. is apologizing for altering a photo on its Web site to change the race of one of the people shown in the picture.

A photo on the Seattle-based company’s U.S. Web site shows two men, one Asian and one black, and a white woman seated at a conference room table. But on the Web site of Microsoft’s Polish business unit, the black man’s head has been replaced with that of a white man. The color of his hand remains unchanged.

The photo editing sparked criticism online. Some bloggers said Poland‘s ethnic homogeneity may have played a role in changing the photo.

“We are looking into the details of this situation,” Microsoft spokesperson Lou Gellos said in a statement Tuesday.

“We apologize and are in the process of pulling down the image.”
Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/08/26/2009-08-26_microsoft_apologizes_for_altering_photo_to_edit_black_man_out_of_picture.html#ixzz0PJygsvDz

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are they so wrong tho?  are they simply knowing their audience?  when’s the last time you met a black man from Poland?

oh COME ON!!

i officially demand a cease and desist order on this America’s Got Talent BS.  they’ve done it again.  taken another person deemed, by social standards, unattractive, and gone wild because she can hold a tune.  remember that susan boyle business?  and that other dude, the opera singer?  okay, the opera singer could actually sing.  but these other two?  come on!  they’ve clearly found a formula that works, and they’re milking it for all its worth for ratings.

1) find a rather homely person (note:  this is not to say that i find these particular people homely, unattractive, or anything.  its just painfully evident that they expect the general populace to feel that way, and i believe that they do)

2) have them tell their story, bonus points if it includes them having sad/lonely childhoods/no boyfriends or girlfriends/etc, and make the insinuation clear that it is because they look the way they do.  oh and be sure to play sad music as they speak; itll remind the viewer to pity him/her.

3) have the judges gush and rant and rave no matter how average they may sound.  ta-daa!

i mean okay.  like i said.  the opera dude had a great voice.  but the other two? especially susan boyle?  if u were to sit blindfolded in a room and never saw them before they started singing, you’d be like ‘eh, they’re alright.  they aint no patti lupone tho.’  and u know it.

shame on this show for this.  also, shame on this show for making fucking nick cannon the host.  wtf, WHY!?

is this really the best way to sell shit to black people?

im thinking it must be.  cause i mean the way i see it, and ladies, maybe you’ll feel me here, but you know that dude that steps to you mad inappropriately as you’re on your way to work or the bus or wherever you may be going?  ‘damn shawty that ass is fat!  yo man can’t treat that right, let me hold that real quick!’ now for us classy broads with standards and offendable sensibilities, we are appalled.  we are disgusted that this motherfucker just stepped to us that way, that he thinks this is a good idea.  we cannot believe that this works on anyone, ever.

but it does!  it has to.  if it didnt work, he’d switch it up.  somewhere, somebody out there is giggling and taking out her eyeliner to write her number on his palm or some Zane-esque shit like that.

i feel like this is sort of the same thing.  im sittin on my couch and im just bombarded with black people doin spoken word tryna sell me some shit and i just get so angry.  like yo!  why is this the way you feel like you need to communicate with me, mcdonald’s?  is Rhyme the secret native language of African America?  subway, what is your excuse?  are you tryin to make up for the lack of hot sauce and collard greens in ur new tuscan chicken melt by wrapping it in really bad poetry?  i will grant you this though.. the last dude?  the one that goes ‘whaaaaaat?‘  he’s type funny.  i will approve of him. but nothing else!

but really though, it has to be working.  its been goin on for far too long.  i think maybe it’s the safe bet on how to reach out to black people.  poetry is corny, pretentious and masturbatory classy.  big natural hair is like a two-for-one affirmative action special the international symbol for self-love and acceptance, superficially/stereotypically.  SOMEbody is sittin at home when this shit comes on, headwrapped in a cloud of nag champa, makin plans to get a mccafe to give as an offering to please the god Shango.  i just know it.  who is it?  who amongst you is it?? STAND AND BE RIDICULED!

i know these aint new but i been meanin to publicly shake my head at them for awhile.

hate that damn guy.  not dwele, the dude in the beginning.  ask me, this is way cooler.

whatever. i’ll say it if yall wont.

she’s got a nice voice but… chills?  tears?  extra.

im talking, of course, about Susan Boyle, latest youtube sensation and current favorite story for all your favorite news entertainment sections.

dont get me wrong.  she has a nice voice.  but… i really think ppl are being drama queens about this and it makes me feel kinda weird.  mostly because i really think that ppl are makin a big deal over her voice because of the visage that encapsulates it.

everybody all shocked that homegirl can hold a note.  why?  is it cause she’s a bit dumpy, is in desperate need of brow work, and says she’s never been kissed?  how insulting!  ‘you look like a troll!  i didnt think you’d be able to do anything but grunt and hiss into the microphone!’ the nerve!  gimmie a break.  if this song was sung by a contestant during Miss America’s talent portion, id be like, ‘…eh.’

maybe its because she sang a song from one of my favorite musicals ever (take note, bitches!  im a hateful shrew, but im a *cultered* hateful shrew!).  oh, i know me some les miserables.  ive heard that song sung by  the greats, and patti lupone she is not.

charming, tho.

but waaaaaay overhyped.

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so. this ashley todd mccain mugging business. UPDATE: she confessed.

****update on the update.  looks like the little ratfink confessed.  she really, REALLY better apologize to EVERYBODY b/c there’s nobody that she hasn’t run afoul of with this story.  she insulted obama supporters, mad mccain supporters look bad, and clearly thought that the entire nation was dumb enough to believe that wack ass B and sparkly makeup black eye.  i mean it, i want a joe the plumber type press conference held in her driveway with jimmy swaggart ‘I HAVE SINNED AGAINST YOU!!’ type tears.

simple bitch.  ugh.

**update:  lol, folks are ON IT.  check out ashleyislying.wordpress.com for more details & inconsistancies**

as a woman, i wont lie.  it is my inclination to believe a woman’s claims of being attacked by a man, because im of the opinion that it’s more dangerous to disbelieve such claims and be incorrect than it is to believe them and be wrong.  i’m a woman’s woman, what can i say.

but flat out, this story is WAAAY too fishy for me to be believing.

if you havent heard, check this link.  quick synopsis:

-woman in pittsburgh @ an atm gets roughed up and robbed at knifepoint.  cool, i can believe that.

-the assault happens out of eyeshot of the security cameras.  at a bank.  you know how many security cameras are strung up at banks?  whatever tho.. sometimes the stars align in such a way and things happen.

-at some point, he notices that the girl has a McCain bumper sticker on her car, gets incensed, decides to ‘teach her a lesson’ (supposedly a direct quote from him to the girl) and proceeds to rough her up, ending with the carving of the letter ‘B,’ presumably for ‘Barack’ into her face.

*RECORD SCRATCH*

what?!  like.  …what??!  do we even need to talk abt why this is suspicious?  how does a man who has just robbed and beat up a woman have the time or presence of mind, what with all the ‘GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU GET CAUGHT! adrenaline coursing through his veins, to just hang around and watch her go to her car AND peep the bumper sticker??  what kind of man who apparently feels that he has to rob someone to get money rationalize potentially getting caught by sticking around some more to make a political statement???  if you in the streets like that, how are politics that heavy on your mind??  

no, i say.  here’s where she needs more people, in the immortal words of Jay-Z, and i need to see a picture.  and im in luck.  

the ‘B’ is backwards.

.

unless she took this picture while aiming her camera at a mirrored reflection, this would mean that the mugger, frantic & hopped up on adrenaline, and armed with a knife, wrestling with a struggling victim and pressed for time, steadied himself AND her enough to SCRATCH–not carve–a pretty steadily formed letter into her face, taking care not to apply too much pressure to break the skin with his knife (note:  knifes are typically pretty sharp), and concentrated enough to, for some reason, write the letter BACKWARDS.

come on, now.

i highly encourage you to check out what the intellects (ha) at okayplayer are saying on it.  there’s some pretty delicious conspiracy theorizing going on, and this time it actually makes sense.  things get suspiciouser (ie – after the attack, she refused medical attention and, though she didn’t know where she was, managed to make her way to a friend’s house in an unfamiliar city/part of time.  …riiiiight).

what i wanted to call attention to though, is her myspace page.  her quote reads:  lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it’s better if you do.

…wooooow. i almost stood up and said ‘no further questions, your honor’ after that.  then i realized i would have been talking to myself and decided against it.  also, it looks like she took one of those annoying little quizzes that myspacers seem to love to take and share with everyone (‘I’M A CARRIE!  WHICH SEX IN THE CITY BROAD ARE YOU?!’).  this one asks the question, ‘how will you die?’  her result:  ‘political assasination.’

Your obsession with power will eventually be the end of you when you’re shot down by members of your own cabinet.

Rough way to go. We recommend writing up a good will, and shredding any documents that might paint you as a shady character. The last thing you need is your political legacy being destroyed when greedy relatives ransacking your mansion discover that you plagiarized your book report in fourth grade.

…yeah.  either Dionne Warwick really does have some psychic abilities, or…. yeah.

plus, she twittered about it.  OMG THIS IS SO SCARY!  WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO??  I KNOW, I’LL TWEET!  wtf.  give me a break please, someone.  expeditiously.

even that hardcore conservative chick doesn’t believe it.  and if SHE has decided to put down her cup of koolaid on this one, i think we could all stand to look twice at this pot of bullshit stew.

sorry, ash.  you’re walkin this one without me, my sister.

thanks to okp for all the links & theorem.