Category Archives: unintentional comedy

so this happened, too.

during my november hiatus, something cool happened when dr. drew found and read the potentially inappropriate love letter i wrote to him.  in addition to that, something… interesting happened when one of the members of the group Highland Place Mobsters saw that he and his homies made my list of ‘obscure r&b covers.’

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sinbad tells the truth abt this hillary sniper bullhockey.

atlantachristianweb.com
“i aint lyin!  AM I LYIN??!”

snipers.  corkscrew landings.  ‘misstatements.’  sinbad?  LIES.  outright, baldheaded lies are all up & through that mix, and i wanted to get to the bottom of it, per usual.  so, i sat down with sinbad for a short chit chat on the issue.  well, i sat down; sinbad sort of paced back and forth holding an invisible microphone as he answered my questions.  to the best of his ability.

BmcP:  Sinbad! thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me.

Sinbad: welcome!  welcome, come on in, have a sit down.. thank you for comin out, you look great tonight, i tell you what.

BmcP:  well thanks!  so, as you know, i want to talk with you in more detail about that trip to bosnia you took with then-first lady hillary clinton.

Sinbad:  man, that was WILD man!  things are CRAZY!  its a lotta crazy stuff in the news today man, im talkin cuh-ray-ZEE!

BmcP: right.  so, were you on the actual aircraft with hillary clinton?  were you on separate crafts?

Sinbad:  i seen clinton!  oh yeah, i seen clinton.  clinton’s great tho, you know.  HILLARY GOT A BIG OLE BOOTY, MAN!  big high booty, man, booty just be sittin up there like ‘WHAT?!’ (here he did a very weird waddle around the room that i didn’t quite understand.  this waddle was made more perplexing by the purple leather pants he wore).

BmcP:  okay… um.  okay.  so, i think that means that you were on the same flight with hillary?

Sinbad:  and the plane!  oh man, that plane was CRAZY!  that plane was just up in the air like ‘WOO!  i tell you i am HIGH!  i aint never been this high in my life!  i aint hangin out with Rico ‘nem NO MORE!’

BmcP:  …so the ride was bumpy?  kinda tumultuous.

Sinbad:  naw, the ride was straight.

BmcP:  oh, it was?

Sinbad:  but i’ll tell you who wasn’t straight though, that FLIGHT ATTENDANT!  that flight attendant was CRAZY, MAN!  flight attendant walkin round, just walkin and a lookin and just ‘HAAAY GIRL’ a-WHAT?  it was CRAZY!

BmcP:  alright.  alright alright.  let’s talk about what happened when you landed.  news footage showing your reception shows a young girl reading a poem to hillary.  what can you tell me of that? 

Sinbad: KIDS!  man i love kids, man, i got kids!  and when you have kids, life just gets crazy, man, i mean it gets CRAY.  ZEE!  specially lil girls, man, lil girls?  lil girls just be all, ‘lalalalaaaa, i like tea parties!’ and i be like ‘little girl YOU ARE CRAZY!  YOU ARE CRAZY, LITTLE GIRL!  JUST CRAZY!’  and then them lil trainin bras yall gotta wear, man that is just–

BmcP: alright Sinbad, i have a responsibility here to myself, my readers, and the world in general to deliver the truth to the best of my ability.  i am not here for fun, i am not here for my health, and i am not here to watch you vomit the last 15 years of your career at my feet, understand?  now tell me something about what happened that day, or i’m turnin over some tables VERY, VERY SOON.

Sinbad:  …

 BmcP:  ?

Sinbad: …i had a tv show once.

BmcP:  FUCK THIS I’M OUT.

i guess it was almost productive.  sorry, guys.

your Black History Month soundtrack.

libations and harambee unto you, my brothers and sisters.

i wanted to give you guys a black history month treat that would surely tickle the ancestors pink.  how many times have you said to yourself, ‘self, i wish there were other Black History songs other than that ‘sing sing celebrate’ song that was out when i was a wee toddler.’  well my friends, bow your heads and say a thank-you prayer for kfc, for they have heard your call.

with hits like “KFC Pride 360” and “At the KFC,” and “Let’s Have a Party” (‘let’s have a party/in the community/bring out your family/down at the KFC’) you can reflect on how far you, my nubian beauties, have come; finally, you can put on your kente cloth and do a ceremonial interpretive dance celebrating our progressive triumph over horrible, defaming stereotypes against the backdrop of an album full of black folks singing of the irresistable deliciousness of fried chicken.

no, i am not making this shit up.

http://www.kfchitmaker.com/

thank you, KFC.  my blackness now finds you inexplicably relatable.

ashe, brothers and sisters.  happy Black History Month.

things you don’t know about nick cannon.

thanks to this guy @ Off the Books for this delicious morsel of information. 

according to wikipedia.org:

-he moved to hollywood when he was 16 

-he was a writer on nickelodeon’s kenan & kel show

-he has herpes simplex 1.

canongotherpes2.jpg

LMAO.  true or not, i think i love the hater that wrote that article.

kanye gets dissed by… peven everett?

i was hipped to this whole thing by this dude right here

firstly, it has come to my attn that not many ppl know who peven everett is.  peven everett is awesome, and it makes sense that with a name like peven, u pretty much have to be.  go hip urself, then come back:  http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=46043533

dont worry, i’ll wait.

…..

 done?  good.

so he has a song dissing kanye west.  LOL already.  like… how random is that?  and its awesome because it starts out:

‘so this what’s up, man.  this dude been hatin me for awhile.  he gon say im a unknown artist… but u got ur folks sendin me emails?  yeah?  aight?  okay, that’s what’s up?  it aint gon take me but a minute to let you know, playa.. i ain’t buy nunna my awards.’

so im like oh, okay, pev.. i aint really heard you get made before so im intrigued.. now im still wonderin why the hell peven fricken everett has beef with kanye, but at this point im interested in hearin it spelled out, and then…

 …a house/techno type beat comes on.  lol!  wtf?! now im not comfortable with callin this a gay beat, cause really, iont believe it is.  i actually like the beat.  but i can completely see everybody in Bump (they have a FANTASTIC happy hour, btw) dancin their lil stud collared asses off on a rainy friday evening.  what im sayin is that its just such an unconventional way to come at somebody musically. 

(ive been tryin to get the video to embed, but it hates me… u can find it here.)

and like some of the stuff he says..

‘i heard you bite my rhymes?’ 

really, peven?  like really?  u heard kanye bite some of ur rhymes?  for real?  like… really?

peven i love u, but u need more people.  it may very well be the truth, im just not buyin it.  i AM curious abt what brought this on, though.

this made me happy; random beef apparently makes me feel warm inside, and i dont think ive felt this warm since Jack Benson came at Sisqo.  good job, Pev!

back to crack: winehouse caught in the act

supposedly.  i mean its The Sun.  and that’s run by Brits.  you know how the Brits are.*

i dont even think there’s too much to say about this.  she a crackhead.  the sky’s blue.  that’s kinda just how things are in the atmosphere.

what i do want to draw your attention to, though, is the angriest wedding photo in the world:

‘RAR!  i hate photographs that capture blissful matrimonial moments!’

tell u what, though.  i hope she gets help, but i think more than that, i hope this writer’s strike ends soon so that SNL can harvest this fine, fine crop of untapped unintentional comedy that’s been sproutin up everydamnwhere. 

*i actually dont have a concrete prejudice here, believe it or not.  i ifgured you cld make up your own.

an interview with steve harvey’s mustache.

the world was recently shocked by the introduction of Steve Harvey’s scalp to the general atmosphere, and to the bulbs of Jet magazine (source:  mediatakeout.com).  we’ve heard what Harvey’s publicist had him say, but i wanted the real story, so i went straight to the source:  Steve Harvey’s mustache.  what i found was shocking… deceit, terrorist accusations, plans for world domination.  learn the truth here.  it’ll set you free.  at least that’s what my granny always says.

we met in a room at a hotel named the Velvet Rose.  he wore an orange silk robe, green ascot, and reading glasses.  a thick cigar dangled heavily from his… whatever is under there.  he sat slumping in a red velour armchair; i sat across from him, being sure to keep my legs crossed and thighs tightly squeezed.

Brokey McPoverty:  thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me today.. i really appreciate it, Steve Harvey’s Mustache.

Steve Harvey’s Mustache:  ‘House of Payne’ come on in 15 minutes.  talk quicker.

Brokey McPoverty:  …right.  so, Steve Harvey’s Mustache, let’s start with–

Steve Harvey’s Mustache:  call me Leon.

Brokey McPoverty:  …Leon?

Steve Harvey’s Mustache:  LEON.  how you gon just call me ‘steve harvey’s mustache?’  that bastard don’t own me! 

Brokey McPoverty:  o..kay… Leon, why don’t you tell me a little bit about this new development.  Steve has been known for his trademark, horribly out of season flattop.  why the switch?  why the dramatic change?

Steve Harvey’s M–i mean, Leon:  fuck whatever you heard.  i ate that shit.

BMP:  you ate what?

L:  that napped up shag carpet on his head!  i ate it!

BMP:  are you telling me that you ate steve harvey’s hair?

L:  I ATE THAT SHIT.

BMP:  ..why?  and isn’t that cannibalism, sort of?

L:  first off, no.  i am 100% human hair.  that shit was a 70s floor covering.  second, i ate it because fuck that nigga man!  i caught him whisperin to his broad all laid up in the bed–whisperin, like i couldn’t hear him, talkin bout he need a change and was gon shave me off his face.  shave me?  ?!  how you gon get ridda me?  i MADE that dude, man!  you see my fine, fine attire?  who you think introduced him to gators and purple plaid suits?  and he just gon take ME off the payroll?  hell naw.  so i ate his hair.  damn straight i ate that shit.

BMP:  i don’t quite understand.  what would eating his hair achieve?

L:  you know how dumb and foreign his ass would look with no box AND no mustache?  wouldn’t nobody believe it was him at all.  his career would be over if he lost us both, now he GOTTA keep me around.  that’s how i see it.  tell you what, if he likes food, if he like havin a place to live, he aint never gon get ridda me.

BMP:  i see. 

L:  plus man… that cat is foul, man.  he had it comin for a long time, you ask me.

BMP:  how so?

L:  man.. alright, so i’m datin this chick, right.  somethin had happened, some other chick come up pregnant, talkin bout its mines.  and damn that, okay, cause that’s impossible, i put on a shower cap, so i was WELL protected, you know what i’m sayin?  plus, i’m there in the delivery room or whatever, the little one gets born and it’s blonde.  blonde!  how my black ass gon give somebody a blonde yaki kid?  she ain’t gettin a dime from me, i’ma tell you what.

BMP:  and.. steve had something to do with this?

L:  shut up!  so anyway, my main chick, she ain’t know nothin, right… steve gon send her a card talkin bout ‘congrats on the new sew-in.’  he dimed me out, man.  since then i been like ‘fuck steve harvey!’

BMP:  i see.  that’s some heavy stuff.  so what’s next for you, Leon?  where do you go from here?

L:  well directly, i’ma go get some pork rinds and watch my show.  a little later on in the future, i got some more scores to settle.  The Whispers are next.  all of em.

BMP:  the whispers?

L:  yeah man, fuck The Whispers too.  see what they don’t tell you is i was Scotty Scott’s original mustache.  i was there through all the fights over Blue Magic hair grease.  then they just gon kick me out the group.  that’s fine.  i got somethin for them, too. 

BMP:  is that a physical threat?

L:  them clowns is terrorists.  i’ll be doin america a favor!  quote me on that shit!

BMP:  okay.. well–

L:  naw, don’t quote me on that shit for real.

BMP:  …okay.  so, what’s next for Steve?  what happens with the two of you now?

L:  if i wasn’t a Christian, i’d grow myself real, real long, tie myself up in a braid and choke him out in his sleep.  i ain’t gon do that though.  i’ma just expose his side-job.  expose it to the world. 

BMP:  which was…?

L:  naw, i ain’t finna do it yet.  but, let’s just say he’s buckets of fun for everyone.  you follow me?  that dude.. you can put him all together.. and take him all apart.  heheheh.  you see what i’m sayin?

BMP:  wait… are you suggesting that Steve Harvey is really…

L:  THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

here, he stood up, turned over the table that was sitting between us, and stormed out of the room.

wow.  so there you have it, folks.  the truth behind Steve Harvey’s transformation.  you heard it here first.  and he left us with a haunting accusation.  could it be… ?

who’s been moonlighting as who?