Tag Archives: american idol













american idol: remember Jenry?

Jenry, i believe, tried out for American Idol two or three years ago.  i can’t remember what Jenry sounded like,  but oh yes lord, i remember what he looked like.  he had me feeling extra pervy because he was only sixteen years old at the time.  i know, i know,  but dude… look at him!!!  can you blame me??!  that is NOT the face of your average 16 year old, at least give me that.

well, ladies and gentlemen…. JENRY DONE GREW THE FUCK UP.

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“1/16th” rule no longer applies; world skips forward holding hands. sometimes.

August 26, 2008–BIRMINGHAM, U.K.: It seems that the tide continues to turn all across the world. 40 years ago in America, black preachers were having their houses and churches firebombed, their families terrorized, and they themselves were shot and killed like dogs in the streets. Now, in 2008, a black man stands an honest, viable chance at becoming president of the nation, complete with the support of much of the free world. Whether people see it as a positive or negative thing, everyone can agree that this is a hugely siginifant time in American history.
“I can’t believe it!” said Lauren Quails, a student at the University of Louisville in Louisville, KY. “We’re really going places now!” Her mother, Delta Quails, agrees… sort of. “Yeah, we’re goin places.  To hell in a handbasket,” she says with hushed tone and furrowed brow. To them both, though, it’s a big deal. And not just in America. People nationwide are opening their arms to presidential hopeful Barack Obama, a black man with a Muslim name.
“A black man with a Muslim name.” Something in that description doesn’t sit well with a growing number of white people. And this time, it’s not what you think. 
“Can I just say Obama is mixed race and anyone that says… that he is African American are[sic] racist,” says Marko on a messageboard in the UK. “He is half European as well.”
As they say in the movies, this changes everything. This wave of white Americans and Europeans wanting to declassify Barack Obama as a black man stands in stark contrast to the centuries old, tacit “1/16th” or “one drop” rule in America that stated that all it took was one drop (or 1/16th) of black blood to legally classify a person as black. Though this rule may not be in lawbooks today, its effects are still clearly felt and seen in today’s world. Those with any African lineage are typically considered black, particularly if they have any sort of black of African features. Look at popular culture, as an example: Halle Berry, Philip Michael ThomasLenny Kravitz, Alicia Keys, Mario Van PeeblesVanessa Williams, Bob Marley, and Malcolm X are all classified as or presumed to be black. Why the sudden change?
“Basically, we want in on this too,” said Chadworth Keystone of the Bureau of Things that are Important to White People in Hartford, Connecticut. “Barack Obama is a great man, you know. He is clearly… he’s clearly just, just wow, you know? He dresses awesome, and he speaks so well and.. he’s just awesome, and so we want a piece of that. And since his mom was white, then technically we already have a piece of that, and it’s not fair that people overlook that, it’s just not fair.  Not to him or us!  We helped make that, and he shouldn’t have to choose!  Also, if we make him white, then it makes it a lot easier for us to deal with our wives wanting to sleep with him.”

Not white enough to make white people care.

Corey Clark: Not important enough to make white people care.

What about Corey Clark, we asked him, the bi-racial (black and white) American Idol star kicked off the show for domestic violence and drug charges who later claimed that he had an affair with judge Paula Abdul? Is he white?

“Uhh… Well, I mean, you know. He’s.. he doesn’t really look.. um.. is that the phone? I think I hear the phone, I need to take this.” He then proceeded to pick up a television remote control and hold it to his ear and sat as if waiting for us to leave. When we pointed out that he was not, in fact, holding a telephone, he screamed “GO AWAY!” and shut his eyes tightly, refusing to open them again.

We asked Leroy Brown, a Chicago mechanic, what he thought about this new phenomenon of whites demanding that Obama not be black. “Ain’t sh*t new,” he said. “White folk can’t let niggas have nothin.











© The Impoverished Times

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uh, yo. yeah. uh huh, yeah. ay yo, uh. aight. here we go. uh. let’s go. uh huh, yeah.

so american idol sucks this year.  i think we’re all just burnt out.  it was awesome when it was new, but im finally working on admitting to myself that it is now a snooze fest.  american idol?  more like american NYQUIL! HAHA!  u get it?!  cause see nyquil puts people to sleep, and when people say that something else put them to sleep, it signifies that that something was too boring to hold their interest and keep them awake, and plus if u say it with the back of ur tongue then ‘nyquil’ and ‘idol’ *kinda* sound the same, and..

whatever.  i find myself hilarious and that’s all that matters.

so as i watch these first round auditions, and i see and (unfortunately) hear the splendorous delusions of catterwaulers who really, honestly, and truly think they can see, my mind always ends up thinking about the family members who travel there with them, stand in those long ass lines with them, and then cry & get angry with them after simon tells them to kill themselves.  what’s the deal with these people?  are they as batshit as their non-singin ass relatives? do they genuinely think that little quanika’s tapdancing rendition of ‘and i am telling you’ is good?  are they loving relatives who just dont have the heart to tell susie that she’d be far more successful at stripping than singing?

or are they just mean, spiteful, hateful people who feign support just to get hopefuls into the auditions and masturbate furiously when they crash and burn?  ive always felt that this was the case, and last night, two people FINALLY had the identical balls to admit it on national ass TV. 

there’s plenty of comedy here, from the creepy ass threesome-esque story of the twins and their girlfriend ashley, to one of the twin’s suck-ass ‘lean wit it rock wit it,’ to the gratuitous thug rapper-isms, to simon’s theft of ashley’s dog, panda.  but the real treasure, the REAL glory comes when it’s time for ashley to audition, right around the 3:55 mark.

they totally made me forgive them for the sin of their ridiculously irritating cultural appropriation in the middle of all this.


american idol, philly auditions.

somethin u shld know if u’re gonna check this blog frequently.  or even occasionally.  i looove trashy reality tv.  just love it.  its my guilty pleasure.  and this season looks like it’s gonna be the guiltiest yet cause there’s just so much good (read:  deplorable) trash tv on this season, between flavor of love 3, rock of love 2, vh1’s celebrity rehab (i hope i’m too classy to watch something that exploitive, but the jury’s still out as of yet), making the band 4 season 2, which i just saw the preview for yesterday, and now, american idol, which started last night.

 i admit, a lot of the fascination with this show has faded.  i mean it’s been on the air for 15 years already.  still, i was excited to see it, mainly because the first round of auditions were held right here in philadelphia.  i just KNEW i’d see 12 musliminas with cell phones tucked in their veils, 25 dudes in capris, and like a grillion freeway beards, but surprisingly, there wasnt *too* much typical phillyness on the stage.  they prolly just didn’t show all that. 

there were plenty hot messes, of course.  especially this guy. 

it was awesome to see paula being an asshole for once.  laughed all up IN this dude’s face.  and speaking of assholes, my favorite moment of the night:  some crappy guy or girl or whoever it was got up to sing and it was crappy.  simon says ‘i think we should throw this one to paula.’  paula starts on her ‘oh you have such an amazing spirit and blah blah blah im crazy’ talk but simon like, mollywops her into tellin the girl she couldnt sing.  then when the girl/guy leaves all sullen and dejected, simon turns to paula and says, ‘you broke that girl’s heart.  ruined her life.’ or somethin to that effect.  hilarious.

anyway, let’s move on to the important stuff:  you know that at least once per city the producers of american idol like to secure your seat in hell by showin somebody with like a really, really sad life that you shouldnt laugh at… but u just can’t help it because the rest of them is just so deliciously absurd on 3 or more levels?  meet temptress brown.  this is temptress.

she’s happy!

temptress is a 16 yr old football player.  i dont know which school, but she just HAS to be from philly.  has to.  temptress.  first thing that popped into my head:  do her parents know what the word ‘temptress’ means??  temptress is not a name u give your kid from  birth.  no one wants an 8 year old temptress, literally or otherwise.  that’s like… a penname for ‘urban fiction’ writers.  anyway, speaking of her parents.. here’s her mom.

 do u see why you’re goin to hell now?  yeah.

so temptress announces she will sing ‘im not goin nowhere’ by jennifer hudson (known to most of us as ‘and i am telling you’ by jennifer holiday).  and she sings, and…. its not so good.  its bad enough to laugh at.  and then u immediately feel bad for laughing because you then see this:

what you see right before she murders your brains out.

and then you feel even worse because she starts to say she can’t go out to face her family because she failed.. and then everybody walks out there with her and you feel even shittier because you’re reminded of her mom’s condition. 

so she leaves, her dad gives her a big hug, and that’s that.  pack a bag.  the 3:10 to Hades is running early this week.  oh and speakin of her dad…

oh shit, is that ?uestlove? oh shit! 

*all pics and video or whatever appears courtesy of fox or whatever else im posed to say to keep from gettin in trouble.  i didnt take these pics!