this year was the first that Depends and Ben Gay were included in those fancy pants grammy swag bags. if they werent, they clearly should have been–between tina turner, jerry lee lewis, little richard, whoever that other old guy was, and prince (dont let the smoove taste fool you), this was officially the most elderly awards show ive ever seen. i somehow kept expecting jerry lewis to pop out and urge people to call and donate money to help our aging stars pay for their next surgery/hip replacement (I SEE YOU PRINCE).
if nothing else, i found the show very entertaining and would like to pointificate on some of the highlights (or at least what *i* consider the highlights). first though, i wanna show you somethin that we DIDNT see during the show. or maybe u saw it if u watched all the pre-awards coverage crap, which i didnt. actually, i wonder if they showed this during the pre-shows? if u watched, can u tell me if they did or not?:
no wonder they didnt show him on tv–his hat is just totally wrong for that outfit!
..in case you cant make out what nas’ shirt says, it reads ‘nigger’ as well. go on and show the man how he aint finna hold you down, nas. and kudos to kelis for joining the fight–contrary to what whitney and bobby want you to think, THAT is black love.
so anyway. let’s get on to my favorite moments of the night.
1. Morris Day and the Time, complete with Jimmy Jam and–Rihanna, wtf? :: okay. i LOVE morris day. i think the only thing i may love more than morris day is jerome, his ever faithful hype man and man servant. so i was personally *thrilled* to hear that the time was reuniting, and not only were they reuniting, but they were reuniting with JIMMY JAM ON THE KEYTAR. im never one to pass up some good keytarin’, so that was my main reason for tuning into the show. i got too excited to see morris day come a-pimp walkin to the stage, and was… slightly baffled to learn that velour tuxedo pants existed. i’ll provide pictoral evidence just as soon as i can.
so they come out and i get all hyper, and the performance, of course, is terrible musically speaking, but yo, its fucking MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME! i was all into it! but.. then… rihanna? rihanna comes on stage? singin umbrella? wtf? i mean, rihanna’s cool and all, but YO. ITS FUCKING MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME. morris and jerome was only up there like 3 minutes! i was outraged when they left and it was just rihanna and her forehead ella-ella-ella’in all over the creation on stage. the good news is that morris & nem did come back to do the bird, for which rihanna was all dressed for in her emu-inspired dress.
‘squawk! hallelujaaa’ indeed.
also, a little reminder: morris day does not think you are cool.
2. Fergie & John Legend Duet; John Legend visibly thinks it’s a bad idea. :: so, fergie is cool for what she is, and what she is is a stylized poppy singer who should not perform deep, soulful ballads that demand a strong singing voice. last night, she attempted a strong, soulful ballad that demanded a strong singing voice. i’ll let you guess how that worked out.
but what made this moment alive in my heart was john legend’s expression immediately after ther performance was over. i really hope i can get a picture of this later, but after he stopped playing the piano, he looked around and told everyone ‘hey, i dont know what this bullshit was about, either. dont blame me.’ without saying a single word. brava, john legend. brava.
3. Amy Winehouse’s totally sober performance & speech. :: i love me some amy. really i do. and i was very anxious and excited to see this particular performance because based on what ive seen of her from her pre-rehab days, she absolutely positively sucked in person. i was really rooting for her; i wanted her to prove to the world that not only can she perform in the face of all the bullshit the media gives her, but she can do so soberly. and she did! you could really tell that she really was sober, and that was the good news.
the bad news is that her preformance still blew warm, tangy, bile-filled chunks. and that’s not so bad though, because it proves that drugs or not, she’s just a bad performer, and now it makes me look back on her pre-rehab days and think ‘maybe i had her wrong–just because her tone was off and she couldnt remember the words and she moved around like a 12 year old trying to pole dance, it didnt mean that she was high! or at least not as high as i judged her to be. ive been hard unduely on you, amy. please enjoy your reprieve.
also spectacular was the acceptance speech. she was just as cute as a lil bad-toothed british button as she stood their all stunned while her background singers/dancers (I LOVE THEM, BTW) all had conniptions in the background. little humble amy looked about her totally afraid and confused and only took the mic to say her thank yous when her mother came to her side. it was really, really precious.
crikey! i wanna thank mi mum & dad..
and then girlfriend just got all west philly on muhfkers when she started big uppin her husband in jail and shoutin out ray ray and pookie and who the hell ever else she was talkin abt. lol! it was fantastic, tasty absurdity. i loved it.
..AND ALSO RAY RAY NEM, NAHMEAN?!
4. The Oldest Show On Earth! :: omg. so, do u remember that ‘goodness gracious great balls of fire’ song? remember who sang it? it was jerry lee lewis. here is what he used to look like. remember little richard? of course you remember little richard. here is what little richard used to look like. do you know who john fogerty is? i didnt either. but at any rate, here is what he used to look like.
the three of them now look like unwrapped mummies. except little richard looks like an unwrapped mummy with way too much makeup, a bad wig, and a hitler mustache. and that fogerty guy looks like a unwrapped mummy who has had major reconstructive surgery. and i guess jerry lee lewis just looks like a really fat unwrapped mummy.
this was like, a circus of old people. actually, fogerty prolly aint as old as the other two, but this is his fault for gettin mixed up in this geriatric insanity. jerry lee lewis was awesome. the occasional look of confusion, the struggling to hit the high note during the refrain, the absence of teeth. it was just amazing. my favorite part of the performance was easily the end, when little richard and fogerty were performing and they just shut lewis’ mic off and left him sitting on the stage banging nonsensibly on the keys, kind of like a child who has been given a leftover piece to play with as the older kids all play a board game so the little one doesnt feel left out.
‘goodness gracious–wait, where the hell am i?’ (c) jerry lee lewis
5. Kanye: ‘It Would Be in Good Taste if you Gave Me Whatever I Wanted.” :: kanye’s a brat. we all know it and we love him for it anyway. but he like, totally just laid the smack down on the grammy ‘wrap that shit up, b!’ music guy as he was giving this acceptance speech for one of the awards he won last night. he had done his fair share of babbling before he began speaking about his mother, and it just so happened that the grammy music guy got to work a little bit before he began to speak about her. granted, i think that he should have been allowed to get that out, since she just passed–i also think that he had plenty of time to do it–but the music started, and my dude said, “i think i would be in good taste if you cut the music off now.” and this was AFTER he had already told them to shut up the music. yo, he said that…. and they shut it off. LOL. kanye was just like, ‘BITCH DIDNT I TELL YOU TO CUT THE MUSIC OFF?!’ and the grammys was like ‘im sorry, daddy! im sorry, i’ll shut up!’ lol. classic.
if this website has any credibility at all, kanye stands to be fined for that little stunt. lmao.
6. The Ole Blonde Diva, She Ain’t What She Used to Be. :: tina turner. lmao. first, let me say that i love tina. she’s a real legend, a real class act. …but she’s real old too, and she showed us just how old she was at the end of her performance with beyonce (and i know im totally wrong for this, but as they were performing, in my head i envisioned beyonce gettin on the mic in the middle of the performance and yelling breathlessly: “and now, ladies and gentlemen.. im remembrance of ike turner… i am going to BEAT.. TINA’S.. ASS!” and she just starts chasing her around the stage. lmao.)
dang i got myself all sidetracked with that aside. focus!
so yeah, at the end of the performance, tina decides it’ll be a great idea to give the audience a judo fan kick or some other such martial arts shit, but halfway through her leg’s journey into the air, she clearly decides otherwise and just stops while she tries to figure out what to do now that she’s 100 years old and she’s on stage in front of millions of eyes with her leg in the air and absolutely nothing to do with it. i was laughing too hard to see how that teledrama ended. i’ll have to find video of it later.
overall though, i will stop hating long enough to say that tina did awesome last night. may we all be so lucky to move like that when we, too, are 98 years old.
despite her age, tina never missed a beat, even as beyonce tried to eat her soul mid-performance.
7. Aretha Franklin. sigh. aretha franklin. just…. aretha franklin.
i knew id seen her in that dress in a nightmare before.. crunk & disorderly confirmed it.
the picture to the left is aretha at the show last night; to the right is aretha sometime back in 07. i guess its good to see her getting into her skinny girl clothes again after the weight loss.
i was definitely able to fill my hatertank last night. thanks, entertainment world! you’re the best!
** pics appear courtesty mtv.com, crunk & disorderly, rollingstone.com, young black & fabulous, hocus-baloney, and seat42f.com. dont sue me. k thanks!