Tag Archives: modeling

gratuitous keston karterness.

okay, so i know that a fair portion of the female constituents that chit chat on this blog have an aversion to keston because of the gay that seems to coat his visual appearance, but.  *i* still think he’s nice to look at  and more importantly, my blog gets a lot of hits from people searchin for him, and this is a blatant ploy to get even more hits by making another keston karter entry.

so.  all about keston karter.  + lots and lots of pics.  naked pics.  NAKED KESTON KARTER.  TOTALLY NOODE.

|source|

keston karter was born a small irish child on the east side of boston in 1975.  at the age of 7, he took up with a band of pickpocketing vagrants.  one chilly november evening, he picked the pocket of the neighborhood sourceress, in disguise as an old unsuspecting lady with wads of $100 bills falling from her pockets.  an obvious target, keston took the bait; to punish him, the sorceress (who was racist, which is a given, being from boston and all) decided to punish him with the worst fate she could think of:  turning him into a black man.  keston later grew to be the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen.  he also sued her for entrapment on the grounds that that little stunt she pulled set him up Marion Berry style.

keston took the money he won from his brillion dollar lawsuit and moved to the city of lights, the city that never sleeps, the city where dreams are born and legends are made:  nutbush, tennessee.  while there, he cut a multi-record deal with Holly Parton (dolly’s adopted cousin’s stepmother’s brother’s third baby mama), but holly soon left the outfit, claiming that she was “too punk-rock for this.”  she went on to move to england and become kelly osbourne, son daughter of the famous ozzy osbourne, and keston fell into a deep depression, the effects of which were lessened only by gambling and listening to ‘natural woman’ by aretha franklin.

his saving grace came when, in 1986, keston threw up on danny devito’s shoes.  outraged, danny went batshit crazy and tried to shatter keston’s shins with the toe of his shoe, kicking furiously.  unable to actually reach keston’s shins, however, danny left the scene, dejected, and vowed to find him again one day.  and he did just that; in 2002, danny tracked keston down to have him audition for the part of Jonesie in his upcoming show Reno 911.  keston did a spectacular job and was called back to read for the part again.  “keston, i have to say, you did a great job and you’d be perfect for the role,” danny said, but then screamed  “TOO BAD I HATE YOU!  YOU THREW UP ON MY SHOES, I AINT GIVIN YOU SHIT!”

ruminating on what had just happened, and on his life in general, keston proclaimed, “fuck this, ima just take my shirt off and get paid for it!”  he then walked outside the building, took his shirt off, and money began to fall at his feet.

the end.

*all pics except the 2nd are from kestonkarter.com, as is an alternate biography.  im pretty sure mines is most accurate, though.