Tag Archives: reality tv

aunt bunny’s money shot.

yall know what a money shot is.  right?  it’s the moment that makes all the time spent watching or looking at something worth it.  this can range from the seminal part of a movie to the semen-al part of a skin flick (see what i did there?).  concerning young ladies who take to the pole to work their way through vet school, it’s usually a cooch shot.

and this is what you saw if you tuned in to the season premier of I Know This Aspirin Really Ain’t Gon Kill My Ass Fantasia For Real on VH1.  at the top of the hour, Fantasia decides that it’s a great idea to put her Aunt Bunny (pictured at top) in a pair of booty shorts and take her to her pole dancing class with her.  and let me just get this out of the way:  yes, i absolutely want to take a pole dancing class now.  let me also say that aunt bunny had nothing to do with this decision.  it just looks so freaking fun.  and i can only imagine how sexy id feel after that!  prancin around in heels for an hour or however long??  pssh.  you wouldn’t be able to tell my that my vajayjay aint made of 73 karat gold once i left that class.  anyway.  i digress.

so they go to the class and it’s broads spinnin and flippin and spread eaglin’ every whicha way.  then the instructor shows Tasia and Aunt Bunny a move that consisted of sliding down the pole, puttin your hands on your knees and then bussin it open for the money shot. Tasia did decently i suppose.  here’s Aunt Bunny’s money shot.

…so if the money shot, theoretically, is what brings your paycheck in, we may assume that Aunt Bunny’s performance will bring her some form of the following wages:

  • a $10 Walmart gift card
  • $8.31 and a handful of peppermints from the bottom of Sis. Odell’s good Sunday purse
  • a pack of Newports and a buy one get one free coupon for Tussy
  • some Kiss toenail french tips and a copy of ‘Vampire in Brooklyn’ on VHS
  • half a book of foodstamps
  • a 6-pack of Tab

make that money, aunt bunny.  don’t let it make you.

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BHM exlusive!: an interview with Ray J

are you here for the love of black history month?

welcome to what will hopefully be the first of a series of exclusive interviews with some of the most prominent and influential black personalities in our community in honor of black history month.  for our first installment, i had the opportunity to sit down with “musician” and reality tv “star” Brandy’s Brother Ray J over a couple of fried bologna sammiches.  i wanted to discuss a few specific things:  how he feels about the current state of black America, what he thinks about the job that fine ass President Obama has done so far, and what he plans to do with semi-lame ass Mz Berry, “winner” of For the Love of Brandy’s Brother Ray J season 2.

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dopplegangers.

Caliente from ‘For the Love of Wait a Minute Ain’t That Brandy’s Brother’ looks like Molly Shannon.

its the mouth and nose.  and also the cartoonish ridiculousness that, in Molly Shannon, is purposeful.  in Caliente… not so much.

dancing with the professional dancers

so this year’s ‘dancing with the stars’ lineup was announced and i kinda scratched my head at it.  i dont really watch the show, but i know enough about it to think that there may be something a little fishy about mya being in this season’s cast.

the girl’s a professional dancer!  right??  that’s her thing.  is that fair to the other contestants, who include a snowboarder, a huge champion mma fighter, a teenage witch and a pair of teeth with legs?  hardly seems fair, no?  they dont mention mya’s training as a dancer on their page.  conspiracy?  cahoots?  it makes one scratch the chin!

everybody seems to be more surprised by former house majority leader tom delay‘s inclusion in the cast, but let me tell you what.  he just may be the one to watch for, because david gregory showed us all on the Today show that fuddy duddies in starched suits can get DOWN with they bad selfs!  matter fact, they should have put *him* in the cast.  id watch every show, faithfully.

real reality rundown: real chance of love + real housewives of atl

okay.  so since i love you guys, i decided long ago that i would watch all the mind-numbing, IQ-killing trashy reality tv so that you won’t have to, thus saving your precious brain cells.  as far as real housewives of ATL goes, this is working out well for me–i LOVE this damn show!!!  oh man.  its full of ridiculousness.  its like a buffet of ignorance and i just can’t get a plate full enough.

as for real chance of love… im struggling there so far.  i thought about trying to watch megan wants a millionaire, but i have to think about myself a little bit.  that’s a little too much like self-harm.

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lol WHAT?!

yeah.  this is another bad girls club entry.

so, i just caught this week’s episode last night.  spoiler:  kayla is gone.  and this, in my opinion, is potentially one of the most shameful exits ive witnessed in reality tv-dom.

at the top of the episode, the girls participate in some challenge where they walk the streets in lingerie and see who can get the shop the most customers or something.  i didnt see all of that part.  i did see that amber m. won, and kayla made this face, signifying that she was upset abt that.  so amber m. gets money, everybody else gets nothing.  whatever tho, it’s seemingly forgotten.

later they take a self-defense class.  they all effectively whoop the holy loving shitfire out of the instructor.  all except for kayla, who seems really timid and insecure and barely even touched the guy.  (take notes, kiddies; there’s a pop quiz later).

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the trying-to-fill-big-shoes girls club

two episodes into the new season of ‘the bad girls club’ and im making this face:

i mean its not that its boring.  it’s got the makings of good soap opera fodder.  its just not tanisha running around bangin pots & pans & imploring everybody to pop off, or nasty ass whats-her-face pissing in sinks and juice cartons.  lol.  i wldnt call the new chicks ‘bad’ necessarily.  or maybe its just that i wldnt call them ‘bad’ compared to the girls from last season.  this season’s group is… annoying.  really annoying.  they yell and scream and cry over nothing all the damn time.  ugh.

i wonder if its maybe because the girls seem so much younger this season than last?  i mean all of them look and act like they’re in their early 20s, and that’s what girls in their early 20s (typically & stereotypically) do.  yell, cry, scream, and cry.  i dont know how old tanesha nem were, but they seemed older, and one of the chicks from the season before, in my opinion, was pushin her late 30s & lyin about it.  lol. 

i dunno.  so far its corny compared to last season.  but i think anything would be after all those shenanigans.

im gonna watch anyway though 😦  lol 

a quick rundown of this season’s brats:

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petition to let people fight on reality tv shows.

dear reality tv show industry:

what the fuck, man? 

okay, so.  shit happens in life.  people get crushes and fall in love and have babies.  people get crushes and have one night stands and have pregnancy scares.  people fuck.  a lot.  all the time.  people deal with illnesses and and addiction and grief.  people get fat and lose weight and sometimes get fat again.  people go completely, totally, batshit nutjob crazy insane.  people pretend to be attracted to old unattractive semi-washed up hip hop icons to get ahead.  this is life.  this is reality.  and as such, it’s all shit that we see on reality tv everynight, from mtv’s the real world to the biggest loser to celebrity rehab with dr drew (who just may have a little bit of sex appeal to him, but i havent decided yet.  i digress) to age/rock/flavor of love.  this is life, and this is what us voyuers want to see.  we need to believe that it isnt scripted, even when it so plainly is (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, THE HILLS).  we need to believe that no one knows the cameras are there, even during those little interviews where you prompt participants with the necessary questions to make a good show.  we need to feel like we’re perched high up in a tree planted right smake in the middle of the open, unfenced fields of these people’s minds, that we’re flies on their walls, that what we’re seeing on screen would actually happen in real life.  because that’s the point, right?  reality tv.  reality is happy, its sad.  it’s dancing and being danced with.  its singing, its crying, it being disagreed with.  sometimes its being called a “nigger;” sometimes it’s being spat upon.  often following that, it’s having one’s ass beat for spitting upon someone or calling someone a “nigger.”

and that’s where shit becomes COMPLETELY unrealistic.

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marjorie nooooooooo

OMG!  THEY LET MY BOO GO!!!!??

laaaawd why yall didnt tell me??!  i havent seen the show in weeks!  i happen to tune in to the last half hour of the finale and this is what im greeted with??!  precious lord, take my hand!!

like, i barely REMEMBER these two broads left.  the runway show?  they were TERRIBLE!  just stompin around up there like a couple of drunk yeti!  and freakin mckey?  i have no idea what her face looks like because i cant get past those parachutes she’s passing off as ears.  ugh.  i am outraged.  OUTRAGED!!!!

so yeah, i didnt see the ep where the was exed, but im readin abt it @ wikipedia and it says she won the challenge that episode.  what the frick?  how you win the challenge but lose at life??!  smh.  i just dont understand it.

its okay tho boo.  you got more talent in your awkward little pinkies than this two chicks have in their entire lives and personalities.  we gon see you again!

oh, btw, the winner this cycle is…

mckey.

what in the damn shitty assed name of blasphemous hellfire is this.

this season BLEW.

a real chance of redundancy

 

why didnt they photoshop that shit off his tongue??

why didnt they photoshop that shit off his tongue??

so.  i checked out vh1’s latest king magazine model-maker, ‘a real chance at love.’   if you’re unawares (congratulations!  you probably have cultural standards!), this is yet another love-finding reality show starring people who became ‘famous’ after being on the reality show of a person who was made ‘famous’ on the reality show of someone who became relevant again after being on two prior reality shows. 

i dunno, guys.  i loved ‘flavor of love,’ i will readily admit.  it was my guilty pleasure.  i also watched the second season and dabbled in the third.  and i watched ‘i love new york.’  second season too.  the point im making is that these sorts of shows and this particular format (generally unattractive subject somehow gets a busload of sometimes attractive people to act like complete and utter asses on national tv) was entertaining.  but im not so moved anymore.  it’s sort of like making a copy of a copy of a copy.  eventually, your results wont be as clear and clean and crisp as the original.. i think vh1 is approaching that point, and it doesnt look like its gonna stop soon.  this is already in the works, and i wont be surprised if janice the muppet (aka ‘new york’) does another season, and you know we’ll see a ‘daisy of love’ charm school and a ‘real chance of love’ charm school and dear lord who knows what else.  i guess they found their goldmine and are determined to bleed it dry.  it cld very well be around for awhile too.. i mean look at the ‘survivor’ series.  that’s been on tv since like 1986.

the first ‘flavor of love’ was entertaining because it was more believable.  i’m sure the girls on the show didnt anticipate that they’d blow up the way they did, all on the covers of your favorite sleezy magazines and what not, so i could buy that they were actually there to get something from flavor flav, if not his love and extremely sloppy and potentially smelly kisses, then whatever money he managed not to smoke up over the course of his career.  now its like okay.  this is just a short stop on your way to booties and bits magazine.  or to your own reality show.  everybody is just sooooooooo completely extra and over the top, it’s so transparent.  even if the shit aint real, i need to believe it for a few seconds so i can watch.  it’s gettin ashy 😦

and i think this one kinda creeps me out because its so…. meat marketish.  i mean i think any dating show where one man picks from a house full of women is meat markety, but especially so with vh1 shows, and doubly so with this real & chance show.  i mean the first thing that happens in these houses?  the choosing males give the women new names of their choice.  if you want to read into that, you could say that its a pretty pointed symbolic gesture of ownership, to look at a woman and say ‘sherronam’ika is too square!  ima call you tittyknobs!’  i mean, flav supposedly did it because he wldnt be able to remember their real names what with the brain cells lost to crack and all.  now?  its just tradition.  and i shake my head, slowly and deliberately.

i was gonna say somethin about each of the girls, but i dont feel motivated.  off the top of my head, from what i can remember, this one seems decent, sane, sweet, and misplaced; this one has an… interesting face, this one likely has 1-2 personality disorders, this one *really* needs a darker shade of lipstick/gloss, this one was actually one of the prettiest in my estimation, but it goes out the window soon as she opens her mouth, and this one… no.  just no.  (you can find pics of the rest of them here.)

i dunno.  the whole thing has fallen off, if you want my humble.  but alas, i’ll prolly catch a few epsiodes 😦

id like to conclude by saying that whomsoever keeps dressing real like a ‘vampire in brooklyn’ reject needs to be fired expeditiously.  same for whoever keeps putting shalack in chance’s hair.