this blog isnt about me, but id like to tell you a little bit about myself.
i was born and raised in louisville, ky and raised by a single mother. she and i look a lot alike, and as i grew older i discovered we have a lot of the same talents. i started writing poetry when i was 8 years old up until i was about 18. somewhere in between then, i found a book that my mother used to keep as a young woman. on the pages were poems she had written by hand for years. writing is pretty much the only thing id really shown a passion for as i went through school, and by the time i hit high school, it was pretty much assumed that whatever i would end up doing in life would involve writing. first i wanted to be a published and famous poet. then a playwright, and now.. novelist? screenwriter? i dont know yet. that’s why i started this blog, to keep me writing something, anything, until i figure it out.
but to hell with all that shit now yo. i want to be a fuckin SHAOLIN MONK!!!!
i totally fell in love with them last night. i mean i already knew they were awesome, but i think in my head they were just like these little cute guys who knew some form of martial arts but used them more so for like, street performances and such. their moves always looked pretty as opposed to instilling fear in me. no, these dudes will kill the life out of you. or at least they can. they prefer not to, but holy son of a bitch, they will.
going into this matchup i knew little abt both groups, but i knew that the maori were brutal. and i mean we saw one bite the throat out of an opponent in the re-enactments. they also liked to scare the shit out of u, too, hence the tattooed faces and the yellin and the screamin and whatnot. oh, they were cannibals too. see this face?
hi! these are my tonsils. AND YOUR GRAVE!!
they opened their mouths and stuck out their tongues to say ‘after i kill u, im going to eat you, and u will be able to do nothing about it seeing as how you’ll be dead. nyah nyah!” ..yeah. all that coolness considered, i still wanted the monks to win. just cause they’re so freakin cute!! all the jumpin and the ‘hi-yaaah!’in and the splits in the middle of a move for seemingly no reason. precious!
spoilers (eventually) after the jump!
i know, i know. this place is becoming deadliest warrior central. deal with it!
i meant to do this like, way long ago but havent had a chance to. so remember the yakuza vs mafia episode of ‘deadliest warrior? remember the tasty angry asian guy demonstrating the yakuza’s weapons and tactics? his name is zero kazama, and he’s totally in love with me. i know this because he came by and checked out my review of the episode and thankfully left a comment, which made stalking him waaaay easier. i ended up @ his blog and found that he had a LOT to say about the outcome of that episode. he brought up some great points that id never really considered, some of which i will share with u.
he als has some great stills of the assaults that poor Joe Torso must deal with on a weekly basis. im gonna throw one in here just because.
-first good point: have u ever actually looked at the numbers they put up after having declared a winner of each battle? yeah, me neither. two things ppl are quick to trust in this world without question: doctors and computers. i always assumed that the numbers wld make sense but, at least in this episode, they dont. example: they have the bat killing MORE people than the yakuza’s pistol (wtf?) and only two less than the grenade (??!). yeah. unlikely.
-second good point: for some reason they dont use the same test settings for each comparable instrument. why not? wldnt u get more accurate results that way?
-third good point: they never account for defensive moves or counter attacks. like sure, an ice pick can kill u if u sit still and wait for it to be slid into ur spine, but what if u move out of the way? tiny bit more difficult.
and so on and so forth. zero REALLY picks apart like, every aspect of the show; its a very interesting read. if u like the show and are interested in this nerd shit, go check it out!!
also, a fun fact! the shaolin monk that will be plucking the freakin eyeballs out of his enemy in tonight’s episode (shaolin monk vs maori, tonite at 10 on spike tv!!)? that’s zero’s roommate.
if ever there was a house that you SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT TO ROB under any circumstances, theirs is it.
another tuesday, another night filled to the hilt with blood, guts, and killin shit. who could ask for anything more?!
last night we saw the green berets of the good ol US of A battle it out with the russian spetsnaz. two sercret police forces that go thru rigorous training and no doubt require a certain degree of mental insanity if one is to become a success. and by ‘become a success’ i mean kill lots of motherfuckers before you yourself get a grenade shoved into one of your orifices. or retire. whichever comes first.
now i personally find the matchups featuring hand-to-hand combat to be the best shows. cause i mean, i dunno. if u put a gun in my hand, i’ll be pretty deadly. but put me in a ring with an apache? it’ll be a MIRACLE if i get out of there with my life AND my scalp. you know what i mean? i hear a lot of people say that this episode and the yakuza vs mafia episode weren’t all that great. i can see that reasoning. that being said, i found last night’s ep to be pretty freakin awesome.
i was very interested in who would win this episode; there’d been some buzz and speculation abt a western/american/generally white bias when it comes to DW winners. ironically, at the beginning of this episode, the dr is asked who he’s putting his money on, and he blatantly says ‘im goin with the americans, because that’s my hometown.’ first thing i thought was ‘how is all of america your hometown? u caint be from EVERY state, dummy!’ and the second thing i thought was ‘wow, they aint even tryin to hide it!’
so i figured id keep my eye out during the show, and ultimately decided that american hometown allegiance didnt interfere with fair judging and analysis.
spoilers ahead! dont say i didnt warn u!
okay so i was outta town when i saw the pirate vs knight episode of the deadliest warrior. i wanted to do a review like, immediately afterward, but i cldnt because my mom’s computer is a dinosaur and there was no one to steal internet from in her neighborhood. how lame.
anyway though, i caught the show (of course) and… i dunno how i feel about it, man. i mean when i heard abt the matchup, i instantly wanted the pirates to win. cause i mean come on. pirates are AWESOME. knights are all clunkin around in all that armor and gallopin on fruity little horses and shit. totally not gangster. plus, pirates had guns and absolutely no honor whatsoever! guns + no morals = omg! i also figured that in a fight against anyone else, the knight was at a disadvantage because of that damn armor. seems like itd be difficult to get around in, no? and unless you’re fighting someone else who’s encased in the same shit, well, they can move faster than u can and they have the upper hand.
turns out i was right about some things and i was wrong about some things. at the end of the show, i felt very confused inside cause i dont know that the winner should have won. spoilers after the jump!