Tag Archives: VH1

aunt bunny’s money shot.

yall know what a money shot is.  right?  it’s the moment that makes all the time spent watching or looking at something worth it.  this can range from the seminal part of a movie to the semen-al part of a skin flick (see what i did there?).  concerning young ladies who take to the pole to work their way through vet school, it’s usually a cooch shot.

and this is what you saw if you tuned in to the season premier of I Know This Aspirin Really Ain’t Gon Kill My Ass Fantasia For Real on VH1.  at the top of the hour, Fantasia decides that it’s a great idea to put her Aunt Bunny (pictured at top) in a pair of booty shorts and take her to her pole dancing class with her.  and let me just get this out of the way:  yes, i absolutely want to take a pole dancing class now.  let me also say that aunt bunny had nothing to do with this decision.  it just looks so freaking fun.  and i can only imagine how sexy id feel after that!  prancin around in heels for an hour or however long??  pssh.  you wouldn’t be able to tell my that my vajayjay aint made of 73 karat gold once i left that class.  anyway.  i digress.

so they go to the class and it’s broads spinnin and flippin and spread eaglin’ every whicha way.  then the instructor shows Tasia and Aunt Bunny a move that consisted of sliding down the pole, puttin your hands on your knees and then bussin it open for the money shot. Tasia did decently i suppose.  here’s Aunt Bunny’s money shot.

…so if the money shot, theoretically, is what brings your paycheck in, we may assume that Aunt Bunny’s performance will bring her some form of the following wages:

  • a $10 Walmart gift card
  • $8.31 and a handful of peppermints from the bottom of Sis. Odell’s good Sunday purse
  • a pack of Newports and a buy one get one free coupon for Tussy
  • some Kiss toenail french tips and a copy of ‘Vampire in Brooklyn’ on VHS
  • half a book of foodstamps
  • a 6-pack of Tab

make that money, aunt bunny.  don’t let it make you.

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dopplegangers.

Caliente from ‘For the Love of Wait a Minute Ain’t That Brandy’s Brother’ looks like Molly Shannon.

its the mouth and nose.  and also the cartoonish ridiculousness that, in Molly Shannon, is purposeful.  in Caliente… not so much.

real reality rundown: real chance of love + real housewives of atl

okay.  so since i love you guys, i decided long ago that i would watch all the mind-numbing, IQ-killing trashy reality tv so that you won’t have to, thus saving your precious brain cells.  as far as real housewives of ATL goes, this is working out well for me–i LOVE this damn show!!!  oh man.  its full of ridiculousness.  its like a buffet of ignorance and i just can’t get a plate full enough.

as for real chance of love… im struggling there so far.  i thought about trying to watch megan wants a millionaire, but i have to think about myself a little bit.  that’s a little too much like self-harm.

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petition to let people fight on reality tv shows.

dear reality tv show industry:

what the fuck, man? 

okay, so.  shit happens in life.  people get crushes and fall in love and have babies.  people get crushes and have one night stands and have pregnancy scares.  people fuck.  a lot.  all the time.  people deal with illnesses and and addiction and grief.  people get fat and lose weight and sometimes get fat again.  people go completely, totally, batshit nutjob crazy insane.  people pretend to be attracted to old unattractive semi-washed up hip hop icons to get ahead.  this is life.  this is reality.  and as such, it’s all shit that we see on reality tv everynight, from mtv’s the real world to the biggest loser to celebrity rehab with dr drew (who just may have a little bit of sex appeal to him, but i havent decided yet.  i digress) to age/rock/flavor of love.  this is life, and this is what us voyuers want to see.  we need to believe that it isnt scripted, even when it so plainly is (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, THE HILLS).  we need to believe that no one knows the cameras are there, even during those little interviews where you prompt participants with the necessary questions to make a good show.  we need to feel like we’re perched high up in a tree planted right smake in the middle of the open, unfenced fields of these people’s minds, that we’re flies on their walls, that what we’re seeing on screen would actually happen in real life.  because that’s the point, right?  reality tv.  reality is happy, its sad.  it’s dancing and being danced with.  its singing, its crying, it being disagreed with.  sometimes its being called a “nigger;” sometimes it’s being spat upon.  often following that, it’s having one’s ass beat for spitting upon someone or calling someone a “nigger.”

and that’s where shit becomes COMPLETELY unrealistic.

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dopplegangers.

milf from real chance of love looks like hatchet face from ‘crybaby.’

hatchetmilf

yikes.

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who knew ‘scream queens’ wouldn’t suck?

pic via vh1.com

pic via vh1.com

so, while caught up in the never ending bullshit hurricane that is vh1’s reality tv show lineup, i accidentally watched the first episode of ‘scream queens.’  seem suuuuuuuper stupid, but i had just finished watching ‘real chance of love’ (also bullshit, but i cant stop watching for some reason) & cldnt find the remote to turn once it went off.

the prize for winning this competition is a breakout role in the next installment of ‘saw.’  its pretty much full of bitchy white bitches, bitchy asian bitches, and a black girl with absolutely no acting training or background whatsoever.   everyone else had acted & had training before.

now the word ‘bitch’ is something i use often, i admit, but i use it carefully when referring to other women, thanks to the womanist in me.  but yo.  there are some BITCHES on this show.  like, your stereotypical catty, backstabbing, snooty, call-another-girl-fat-to-make-her-cry type bitches.  there are maybe like, 3 or 4 that dont fall into that category.  so im all ready to turn b/c really, i dont need that in my life, not even in my tv set, when i notice tanedra.  as someone who was once often the only black girl in the room, i paid most attn to her to see what she was like & how she dealt.  and u know what?

she’s the most talented actress in the cast.  lol!  the girl with no formal training is slaying everybody else.

beyond that, i dunno, there’s just something really relatable and likeable abt her.  my friend, who hates reality tv shows but watches & roots for  tanedra, liked her initially because she is his age (28).  lol.  plus she’s not the bitch that everybody else is, which is refreshing, BUT, she makes it plain that she’s not one to be crossed.  example:  on last night’s show, one of the bitchy asian bitches had been poppin off at the mouth, right, just sayin ignorant racially charged shit.  they get paired up for an exercise where they learn to do stage fighting & stuff, and bitchy asian bitch hits her a couple times on purpose.  tanedra peeps game and gives you the look you mama gave you when you acted up in public.  then its time for tanedra to be the aggressor.  lol, my girl looks at the bitchy asian bitch and says:

‘you know you done messed up, right?’

LOL.  then she proceeds to kick the shit out of her.  lmao!  i LOVED IT.

plus i stumbled across her myspace page and read her blogs and she is just so humble and down to earth!  her story of being recognized in the street is like the cutest thing ever.

plus… okay!!  i see you!   work it on out, girl!

in conclusion, vote tanedra for president.  i mean scream queen.  im getting my elections mixed up.

a real chance of redundancy

 

why didnt they photoshop that shit off his tongue??

why didnt they photoshop that shit off his tongue??

so.  i checked out vh1’s latest king magazine model-maker, ‘a real chance at love.’   if you’re unawares (congratulations!  you probably have cultural standards!), this is yet another love-finding reality show starring people who became ‘famous’ after being on the reality show of a person who was made ‘famous’ on the reality show of someone who became relevant again after being on two prior reality shows. 

i dunno, guys.  i loved ‘flavor of love,’ i will readily admit.  it was my guilty pleasure.  i also watched the second season and dabbled in the third.  and i watched ‘i love new york.’  second season too.  the point im making is that these sorts of shows and this particular format (generally unattractive subject somehow gets a busload of sometimes attractive people to act like complete and utter asses on national tv) was entertaining.  but im not so moved anymore.  it’s sort of like making a copy of a copy of a copy.  eventually, your results wont be as clear and clean and crisp as the original.. i think vh1 is approaching that point, and it doesnt look like its gonna stop soon.  this is already in the works, and i wont be surprised if janice the muppet (aka ‘new york’) does another season, and you know we’ll see a ‘daisy of love’ charm school and a ‘real chance of love’ charm school and dear lord who knows what else.  i guess they found their goldmine and are determined to bleed it dry.  it cld very well be around for awhile too.. i mean look at the ‘survivor’ series.  that’s been on tv since like 1986.

the first ‘flavor of love’ was entertaining because it was more believable.  i’m sure the girls on the show didnt anticipate that they’d blow up the way they did, all on the covers of your favorite sleezy magazines and what not, so i could buy that they were actually there to get something from flavor flav, if not his love and extremely sloppy and potentially smelly kisses, then whatever money he managed not to smoke up over the course of his career.  now its like okay.  this is just a short stop on your way to booties and bits magazine.  or to your own reality show.  everybody is just sooooooooo completely extra and over the top, it’s so transparent.  even if the shit aint real, i need to believe it for a few seconds so i can watch.  it’s gettin ashy 😦

and i think this one kinda creeps me out because its so…. meat marketish.  i mean i think any dating show where one man picks from a house full of women is meat markety, but especially so with vh1 shows, and doubly so with this real & chance show.  i mean the first thing that happens in these houses?  the choosing males give the women new names of their choice.  if you want to read into that, you could say that its a pretty pointed symbolic gesture of ownership, to look at a woman and say ‘sherronam’ika is too square!  ima call you tittyknobs!’  i mean, flav supposedly did it because he wldnt be able to remember their real names what with the brain cells lost to crack and all.  now?  its just tradition.  and i shake my head, slowly and deliberately.

i was gonna say somethin about each of the girls, but i dont feel motivated.  off the top of my head, from what i can remember, this one seems decent, sane, sweet, and misplaced; this one has an… interesting face, this one likely has 1-2 personality disorders, this one *really* needs a darker shade of lipstick/gloss, this one was actually one of the prettiest in my estimation, but it goes out the window soon as she opens her mouth, and this one… no.  just no.  (you can find pics of the rest of them here.)

i dunno.  the whole thing has fallen off, if you want my humble.  but alas, i’ll prolly catch a few epsiodes 😦

id like to conclude by saying that whomsoever keeps dressing real like a ‘vampire in brooklyn’ reject needs to be fired expeditiously.  same for whoever keeps putting shalack in chance’s hair.