don’t put these on ur granny. they might suck out her soul.
we got a lot of rain in my city over the past day or so. when the rain started i’m sure we were fine, but as it picked up and endured i think it’s safe to assume that the whole of Louisville collectively shat ourselves after hearing that roads in southern Indiana were already washing out. this is because at the beginning of August, we more or less got our asses kicked by a couple of days of Noah’s Arc style torrential downpours. it was a mess. my family and i were driving into town on the last day of the rains after having been gone for a few days. once we got inside the city, it literally took us over an hour to find a safe route home because so many of the roads were impassable, and when we finally did get home, we found that our semi-finished basement had, while we were out, played temporary host to around 4 inches of water.
my first thought was: OH SHIT, MY WII IS DOWN THERE!!! but fortunately it wasn’t, for whatever reason, within the water’s reach, so that was good. but what WAS in the water’s reach, though, was the carpet. it pretty much made my life miserable for the next couple of weeks. having your whole house smell like wet, souring carpet is NOT fun, and it does not a happy broke girl make. we did the usual damage control, shampooed it, shopvac’d it, turned fans on it, blah blah blah. i mean really, that’s all you can do to hurry drying carpet along. but somethin else we used: bladder control pads!
my granny’s like 1000 years old, right, and for some reason, her medicare/medicaid/whatever program she’s in keeps mailing us huge boxes of Poise bladder control pads. she doesn’t use them, and my mom has been meaning to donate them to some charitable organization for quite sometime, but thankfully a family of procrastinators. a bag of the pads was on the floor in the basement when the rain came in, and the entire thing busted open as the pads filled with water. seriously, each individual pad was like 50 lbs a piece. to me, that meant two things: 1 – those things can hold LOTS of piss. 2 – omg, can we use these to help dry the carpet??!
we tried it and though it didn’t at all get the water up fast enough, it did help significantly! opened and unfolded some of the pads, paid them face-down on the carpet, put some encyclopedias on top of them to weigh them down, and left them overnight. they didn’t swell to the 50 lb size, but they did suck up some water.
so. fast foward to last night. the rain started again, and i noticed some water creeping in from the cellar door onto the floor. my mom and i then looked at each other and said: WONDER TWIN POWERS: ACTIVATE! FORM OF: POISE BLADDER CONTROL PADS! we then opened and unfolded a bunch and lined them in front of the door, as shown in the picture above and to the left. i got up today and them bitches were swollen to double their size, and most importantly, our carpet stayed dry 🙂
so there you have it folks. when Jesus comes back and starts talkin bout 40 days and 40 nights of rain, run to your nearest Walgreens, buy out all their Poise pads, then look at Jesus and go ‘NAAAH NAH NAH NAH NAAAAAH!’
then apologize for being disrespectful, because you’ll probably be sent to hell otherwise.