Monthly Archives: July 2009

ridiculous moments in new jack swing

johnny

the new jack swing obsession continues!

maybe im getting old, but given the bullshit that’s passing for r&b these days, im ready to declare the late 80s/mid-early 90s the new golden age.  today im escaping from the absolute utter madness of what has become my everyday life enjoying some me-time, and have a playlist of NJS stuff (defined here if u need it, for some odd reason) that ive been playing while i get my uber feminine girlness on, and i noticed… there was a lot of ridiculous stuff that happened in/with/concerning these songs and their artists.  i made mental note of a short list, and in no particular order the winners are (this will be a long one, but at least it will be full of good music for u to listen to):

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music that nobody remembers but me

voices

so, im still on this new jack swing kick, right, and ive been on youtube doin the wop down memory lane for the better part of the last two weeks and i randomly remembered a girl group that nobody else seems to remember:  V.O.I.C.E.S, also billed as The Voices, apparently.

so okay, you know how on sister sister, tia and tamara were always freakin singing on the show?  they had okay voices, but really u just wanted them to stop with the catterwauling and yell at roger to go home?  weeeeeeeeell guess what!  they were in this group! well they were kind of in this group.  apparently they were in the video for the first single, ‘yeah yeah yeah,’ and did background vocals, but according to wikipedia, they werent actually in the group.

check my man’s ducktail around the 2:30 mark.  lmao.  also, the random african wardrobery for no apparent reason.  i love it.

in addition to those songs, i also remember two more:  ‘m.m.d.r.n.f. (my mama didn’t raise no fool)’ and ‘cloudy with a chance of tears.’  nobody else does but me 😦

anybody??!

oh COME ON!!

i officially demand a cease and desist order on this America’s Got Talent BS.  they’ve done it again.  taken another person deemed, by social standards, unattractive, and gone wild because she can hold a tune.  remember that susan boyle business?  and that other dude, the opera singer?  okay, the opera singer could actually sing.  but these other two?  come on!  they’ve clearly found a formula that works, and they’re milking it for all its worth for ratings.

1) find a rather homely person (note:  this is not to say that i find these particular people homely, unattractive, or anything.  its just painfully evident that they expect the general populace to feel that way, and i believe that they do)

2) have them tell their story, bonus points if it includes them having sad/lonely childhoods/no boyfriends or girlfriends/etc, and make the insinuation clear that it is because they look the way they do.  oh and be sure to play sad music as they speak; itll remind the viewer to pity him/her.

3) have the judges gush and rant and rave no matter how average they may sound.  ta-daa!

i mean okay.  like i said.  the opera dude had a great voice.  but the other two? especially susan boyle?  if u were to sit blindfolded in a room and never saw them before they started singing, you’d be like ‘eh, they’re alright.  they aint no patti lupone tho.’  and u know it.

shame on this show for this.  also, shame on this show for making fucking nick cannon the host.  wtf, WHY!?

novel idea of the day

not like ‘i have a great idea for a novel!’

but like, ‘by jove!  that is a novel idea!’

is this really the best way to sell shit to black people?

im thinking it must be.  cause i mean the way i see it, and ladies, maybe you’ll feel me here, but you know that dude that steps to you mad inappropriately as you’re on your way to work or the bus or wherever you may be going?  ‘damn shawty that ass is fat!  yo man can’t treat that right, let me hold that real quick!’ now for us classy broads with standards and offendable sensibilities, we are appalled.  we are disgusted that this motherfucker just stepped to us that way, that he thinks this is a good idea.  we cannot believe that this works on anyone, ever.

but it does!  it has to.  if it didnt work, he’d switch it up.  somewhere, somebody out there is giggling and taking out her eyeliner to write her number on his palm or some Zane-esque shit like that.

i feel like this is sort of the same thing.  im sittin on my couch and im just bombarded with black people doin spoken word tryna sell me some shit and i just get so angry.  like yo!  why is this the way you feel like you need to communicate with me, mcdonald’s?  is Rhyme the secret native language of African America?  subway, what is your excuse?  are you tryin to make up for the lack of hot sauce and collard greens in ur new tuscan chicken melt by wrapping it in really bad poetry?  i will grant you this though.. the last dude?  the one that goes ‘whaaaaaat?‘  he’s type funny.  i will approve of him. but nothing else!

but really though, it has to be working.  its been goin on for far too long.  i think maybe it’s the safe bet on how to reach out to black people.  poetry is corny, pretentious and masturbatory classy.  big natural hair is like a two-for-one affirmative action special the international symbol for self-love and acceptance, superficially/stereotypically.  SOMEbody is sittin at home when this shit comes on, headwrapped in a cloud of nag champa, makin plans to get a mccafe to give as an offering to please the god Shango.  i just know it.  who is it?  who amongst you is it?? STAND AND BE RIDICULED!

i know these aint new but i been meanin to publicly shake my head at them for awhile.

hate that damn guy.  not dwele, the dude in the beginning.  ask me, this is way cooler.

im back! / I FINALLY FOUND IT!!!!!

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hello, sweet babies!!

if you pay any attention here at all, you know that ive neglected this little spot of cyberspace once again.  you also know that i just made a pretty big move from philly, pa to louisville, ky.  things are finally settling down, and im thinkin and hopin and wishin that i’ll be able to get back to updating around here.

im also playing with an idea.  some of you who know me beyond this broken, mcpoverished realm know that in addition to writing about bad boob jobs and horrendous weaveature, i also fancy myself a serious aspiring novelist/playwright/screenwriter/trashy black urban lit writer/some kinda writer (still havent really decided yet).  since change is supposed to bring about creativity, and since this move has been a BIG freakin change, lemme tell ya, im gonna try to reign that creativity early, get some writing done and… maybe put some up here?  you know, just on the off chance that Mr. Big Important Literary Agent happens to stop by here to see what kind of ridiculousness aretha franklin is wearing/eating lately.  i dunno.  just a thought.

SO!  GREAT FUCKING NEWS!!!

its two-fold!  i dunno if yall knew this, but cedric the entertainer has always been one of my favorite comedian actor type people.  i just think he’s hilarious.  once, way long ago, he made an appearance on mad tv (remember when that show was funny?) in a skit called Dr. Funkenstein vs Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde that absolutely positively KILLED me.  since youtube was invented ive been tryin to find it there, and guess what.

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!   AAAAHHH IT FEELS LIKE A FREAKIN HOLIDAY IN MY FUNNY BONE!!

im totally gonna put it here so that everyone can share my joy.  as an added bonus, i found one of my favorite episodes of Que Hora Es, a spanish language soap opera for people who have only had 3 weeks of spanish.  it was one of my favorite sketches on Ced’s sketch comedy show, Cedric the Entertainer Presents.  i swear, NOBODY remembers this show, and if they do, they dont find it nearly as hilarious as i do/did.  i’m puttin that here too.  you welcome!

LESS GO KILL MO PEEPUHS!!!