hey, hey, brotha. remember last weekend when you were getting ready for the club, and you had on your finest steve harvey suit with your mint green gators, and you jumped back, intending to kiss yourself, but instead found yourself gazing in the mirror saying, “damn. if only this outfit had just a little more roland s. martin.”
remember that? oh, it didn’t happen? oh.
well… pretend it did and keep reading.
so apparently CNN correspondent and all around newsy guy Roland Martin thinks somebody wants his ascots. and you know what? maybe they do. i don’t know. i’m not hip. i’m not cool. as such, i have not the ability to refute the claimed fact that Roland Martin is “the new definition of swagger,” as claims this website he’s got up to sell his line of designer ascots and ties. what’s that? you thought that Old Spice pushed the word “swagger” overboard with their so named deoderant? well, if they didn’t do it, Roland Martin surely will!
but wait, young brother! don’t turn your noses up just yet! just take a look at some of Mr. Martin’s finest specimens:
You’ve heard of The Situation–now take a look at The Distraction. Spill some mustard on your khakis? Missing a cufflink? Got a big glob of Dax on your collar? Never worry! With your neck swaddled in motherf#cking electric orange, I’m sure nobody will notice anything else you got goin on.
You are strong, your are bourgie, you are privileged! I mean, you’re wearing an ascot for shit’s sake. That clearly says there’s something annoyingly distinguished about you. But don’t let the haters get it twisted; the swag sewed into this ascot gives it that extra ‘umph’ that says to people, ‘Yes, I’m classier than you, but I will still threaten to beat women who step out of line.’
Went to school just to become a Kappa? Didn’t make it? Can’t get your tuition payments back? Bummer! But don’t worry too much; with this snazzy red and oh so subtle white embroidery, you front real tough. Social acceptance by any means necessary!
if you’re turned on so far, by all means, take a look at the rest here. personally, though, i don’t think i’d buy an ascot from a guy who doesn’t also sell monocles and top hats, but that’s just me.
(thanks to etfp for sharing this!)