‘Tropic Thunder:’ a review

in the harsh, sun-drowned thickets of vietnam (north or south, i can’t remember), a helicopter carrying the remains of the hopeful spirits of a rescue mission shivers and whirrs a dirge for the lost life of Seargent Four Leaf Tayback.  the youngest pair of eyes on board the chopper searches the leaves as it begins to lift off, a prayer dancing in their centers.  just as it looks like Tayback is forever lost in the belly of the leafy monster, he emerges, covered in sweat and struggle from the brush.

almost immediately, he is pierced with one bullet, then another, and another as he stomps determinedly to the chopper.  he should have fallen and died immediately, but ever the trooper he presses on and on and on as his comrade in arms, Sgt. Osiris (Robert Downey Jr.), utters one command under his breath:  ’survive.’

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where i freaking LOST IT.  less than 5 minutes into the movie and i’m doubled over in my seat crying w/ laughter, literally.  thing abt it is i didnt even hear him when he first said ’survive;’ i turned to my movie buddy and had to ask him what he said and when he repeated it, the concept of somebody saying ’survive’ while watching their homie get killed was so absurd that it just killed me inside.  he didnt say ‘don’t you die on me!!’ or scream ‘NOOOOOOOOO!’ like they always do in war movies.  this faux-nigga said ’survive.’  i was done.

& the laughs just kept comin one after another after that.  if u haven’t seen ‘tropic thunder’ yet, go see it now.  dont even read the rest of this review.  its good.  its AWESOME.  dont be a loser all your life!  GO SEE IT!

quick plot synopsis:  an actor bordering on has-beendom, a rapper trying to break into the acting world, a method actor who would probably willingly kill himself while prepping for a role, and a flatulant heroine-addicted comedian sign on to make a movie, a war flick based on the amazing life of army hero Four Leaf Tayback.  in an effort to get some real acting outta them, the director and Tayback himself decide to drop the main characters in the middle of the Vietnam jungle in an area rigged with faux explosives and cameras.  in the midst of it all, the actors are forced to become (literally) the characters they portray when they get kidnapped for reals, yo.

first, i gotta say that robert downey jr. was my FAVORITE part of this movie.  this + iron man = RDJ at the tops of my favorite actors list, crack or no crack.  i guess i should address the whole black face thing:

so the fuck what!

alright, now that i got that out of the way, i will say in seriousness that i hope that all the ppl who were angry abt it will understand it once they see the film.  its a parody of how seriously method actors take themselves, and also (in my humble opinion), a prime example of how ridiculous it is when the roles of ethnic characters are given to white actors, totally overlooking completely capable ethnic actors (I’M LOOKIN AT YOU, JOHN WAYNE’S MOVIES!!).  it makes me very sad that not enough black folk understand parody/satire (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, PEOPLE WHO GOT MAD ABOUT THAT ‘READ A BOOK’ SONG!!).  so yeah, i didnt give a shit abt the blackface.  and scratch that, ima stop callin it blackface.  this is blackface.  this wasnt.

so anyway, RDJ stole the show, largely due to his facial expressions.  hilarious.  i dont even have anything else to say about them.  just plain hilarious.  most of my laughing tears came from him.

& not to sell the rest of the cast short, ben stiller has returned to his something-about-mary kind of funniness and jack black killed it, and he didn’t even touch a guitar or sing once during the whole movie!  the guy who played Alpa Chino was good too.  i think he held his own well in a cast of super huge super big stars; its hard to stand out among the likes of downey, stiller, & black, but he did very well.  as did that other little skinny kid whose name i can’t remember.

i have to say that the biggest, most fulfilling surprise in this flick came from a cameo in the form of a greasy, balding, fat, foulmouthed tom cruise who i had NO idea was in this movie.  i was reading up on it, and apparently in november 2007, some pictures of cruise on the set were leaked & lawsuits were threatened b/c stiller really, really wanted it to be a surprise for movie goers.  he at least got me because i was really surprised; i read a review of the movie in a local paper and it mentioned cruise’s name, but i was like ‘wtf, he’s not in this movie, he aint in the promos nowhere.’  good job, guys.  cruise killed it.  there were lots of other cameos too.. i love cameos.  they’re like finding extra prizes in ur cereal boxes.

when i heard about all the protesting going on over this movie and the use of the ‘r-word’ (”retarded”), i shook my head and said ’sheesh, people will protest anything.’  i automagically [(c) mreeuh - hi!!!!] assumed that someone had called someone else an ‘r-word’ in passing & ppl got their pannies in a bunch over little to nothing.  but… yeah.  even i had to shake my head over the treatment of mental handicappedness in the movie.  you know those laughs that make you feel like you’re going to hell because you’re laughing at something really inappropriate?  yeah.  it induced that kind of laughing.  and they didnt just say it once, but like, repeatedly.  in a very short time frame, even. 

overall though, man.. this was a really, really fun time.  i dont see any movies that become must-haves for my sorry ass DVD collection, but this is most certainly one.

i give it 5 outta 5 donkins!  GO SEE IT!!

*pic source

so brandy’s coming back.

..no word yet on whether or not her hairline will be joining her.

wait, this just in:  new promo pics confirm that the two have apparently not yet reconciled after years of abuse of the hairline by brandy’s braids.

but seriously folks.. more promo pics + the new single ‘right here’… here.

*this entry is sponsored by ::::

back from vacation! :: nexxus extreme moisture review

ni hao, suckerpunks!

sorry for the huge dry spell, but i was in my glorious birthstate for 11 days and i just got back recently. 

home was great!  i got to see my brand spankin new waaaay more adorable than you nephew!  he’s pretty much the best baby ever.  like seriously.  think of your favorite baby.  your own, if you have any.  gather up a good estimate of that baby’s cuteness, adorableness, and awesomeness.  got it?  k.  now roll it all up together and knead it around a bit.  grab a rolling pin, dust it with some flower, & roll it out, not too thin.  throw it in the oven for a bit, about an hour at 350 degrees.  when it’s golden brown & delicious looking, take it out, and then THROW IT ON THE GROUND AND STEP ON IT!!!!!!  that is your baby’s deliciousness compared to my little morsel of perfection.  id post a picture but with all the stalkers he’s gonna have once he grows teeth and becomes President of the Whole Fracking World, he needs this precious time to rest.  and grow teeth. 

so anyway, home was awesome.  i love Kentucky.  i’ll post more abt that later, and maybe some pictures if I can drum some up.

in the mean and inbetween, ive decided to start doing product reviews here.  this blog isnt about me, of course, but yo.  i have a problem.  i officially divorced myself from the white man’s creamy crack back in june (or july?) & since then i’ve been going absolutely nuts trying out every single hair product i read about trying to find out what works well for my hair.  i dont know what to do with this shit!  its naturally curly (which i didnt know until i was like 20 years old), and after 14 years of perming & dealing with straight (and luxurious and silky and delicious.. my shit was LAID lemme tell you!!!!!) hair, i am *so lost*.  so ive developed a new addiction, one so severe that my heroin habit is jealous of it.  i can’t stop buying hair shit.  i cant.  i just cant.  i dropped $50 yesterday at curlmart.com, and before that i had to fight myself not to go crazy in the hairstore downstairs.  yeah, did i mention that there is a hairstore IN THE DAMN BUILDING I WORK IN??!  i think this is what jesus felt like when loosifuh took him to the mountaintop.  except jesus was waaay better at saying ‘no.’ 

Satan: 'Jesus, come on, yo! Afrobella says that new Motions Marula hair balm is the bomb!' Jesus: 'I WILL SLAP YOU!!'

anyway.  i at least try to research products very well before i buy them, but sometimes i cant find many reviews on something ive seen, if any at all.  so, in the name of more product reviews for product slutbags like myself, im gonna start reviewing the goo gobs of stuff i have here.  it’ll also help me remember which things i’ve liked and which i’ve hated in case i forget one day.  cause i prolly will.

so.  first up:  Nexxus Phyto-Organics Extreme Moisture Theratin Shampoo & Humectin Conditioner.

while at home i was the mall, and while cuttin through JC Penny i passed a bunch of displays of hair stuff near their salon and of COURSE i broke my neck to see what it was, *especially* cause they were havin a buy one get one free sale on all of it (i’ll buy ANYTHING if its BOGO.  what’s that?  buy a dress made of halibut and penicillin?  well, i hate fish & im allergic to penicillin, but IF I GET ONE FREE….!!).  the small bottles of the nexxus extreme moisture stuff were 13.50, so i was like okay, i’ll get a shampoo & get the conditioner free on my way out.. that way if i dont like it, i wont have TOO much to have to get rid of.  i have the thirstiest hair on the planet, so the words ‘extreme moisture’ are like porn to me.  i was excited.  excited in a way i don’t care to discuss during daylight hours.

so i go through the mall, come back, and THE SALE IS OVER!  it was some doorbuster back-to-school shit, so it ended at 3 pm.  i was PISSED!  wasn’t no way i was gonna peel 26 bucks for two little bitty bottles of shampoo & conditioner that may not even work!  luckily tho the lady told me that they then had a two-fer sale:  two bottles, 1 liter each, of the shampoo AND conditioner for 20 bucks total.  i reasoned in my head that if it *does* work i will have gotten the Stoney Jackson of deals (note:  i like Stoney Jackson, so that’s a good thing.  call me, boo!), and if it doesnt work, i can prolly sell it on ebay or somethin.  the 1 liter bottles retailed at 30 a piece there, if i remember correctly (they’re for sale for 21 on the nexxus website now though).

i have to say that i didnt get the Stoney Jackson of deals… i got the MORRIS DAY of deals!!! (note:  i like Morris Day WAAAY more than Stoney Jackson, so this is VERY GOOD!  CALL ME BOO!!)!  i *love* them.  i was wary though, because both the shampoo and conditioner have mineral oil, and the ppl at nappturality were successful at making me terrified of mineral oil.  i really thought about it though, and im alright with it as long as the mineral oily product is put in my hair when wet, b/c the way i see it, and mind you this is just my theory, the problem with mineral oil is that it seals your hair, keeping moisture out of it.  but if it’s put in while wet, it’s also sealing moisture into it, right?  mineral oil hasn’t hurt my hair yet, so im good with it.  i just don’t use anything with mineral oil in it while its dry. 

so, if you’re not afraid of mineral oil, i definitely recommend these products.  the moisture is ridiculous.  and i finally discovered what ’slip’ means.. i combed out my hair completely and without incident for the first time since ive stopped putting heat on my hair (which has only been abt a month).  and that is HUGE because normally, i can’t get comb nor finger through this stuff.  when i was in the country, a bug got caught in it and of course i automatically assume that it’ll never get out and proceeded to have the largest conniption of my entire life.  it’s a thicket up there.

one thing ive never really understood is the 4a, 3c, 24q hair type stuff.  truth is i’m still not sure.  like it kinda has some properties of 3-somethin, but 4-somethin as well.  i dunno.  i’ll post pics when i can think to, but its really thick.. not exactly coarse, but very *very* thirsty.. & the curls are really coily and springy (the shrinkage in the middle of my head is totally retarded.. around the edges, they stretch a little more, either due to straightening or just differing texture, im not sure yet).  & there are a few tiny pieces of perm that didnt get cut out for whatever reason.  i dont know if that will help anybody at all.  lol

anyway, these really lived up to the ‘extreme moisture’ lable they were given.. to give some contrast, i once tried some pantene bullshit for people with curly hair and HATED it.. after the first lather, i couldn’t feel a single curl in my hair.. the definition was just completely stripped and i had to put so much product in my hair to get it back again.  after that, i deemed herbal essences ‘hello hydration’ shampoo a godsend after i could still feel the curls in my head while washing.  but the nexxus shampoo was 10 times more moisturizing than that was.. i swear my hair felt even curlier and softer *instantly*.. and u know how shampoos with sulfates usually make your hair (or at least my hair) feel at least a little coarser as you lather?  i didnt get that feeling with this at all.. it felt like a really great co-wash that just happened to lather.  i could get a finger through it after the first rinse.  SHOCKING.  and the conditioner of course is just all that times 20.  and it smells nice, too!

this stuff was actually so moisturizing that i was worried that my curls would be dull and lifeless and just loaded down with whatever magic is in those bottles once it dried, but nope!  once i put my product in it, it does what it normally does (which isnt anything impressive in my estimation, but im still tryin to figure out exactly what to do with this stuff so that’s on me).  last night i pre-pood with olive oil for an hour after not washing or co-washing my hair for about 4 days, so there was a good bit of build-up.  i thought that surely id end up having to wash with shampoo in the morning, b/c without a strong cleanser in it, i saw no way that the conditioner would leave any life in it.  wrong again!  after using a fantasia leave-in, carol’s daughter hair milk, and fantasia IC gel with sparkle lites (wtf is a sparkle lite?!), the curls are more defined than they’ve been in quite awhile.  & there’s less frizz than ever.  that’s usually my biggest problem, but this morning i spritzed with water, shook my head & went on about my business, and now that its (nearly) dry, there’s little to no frizz.  amazering!

i’m trying to remember if there’s a cone in either of them, but i cant recall.. i dont think there is though.  i’ll post ingredients when i can think to.  i think its just the mineral oil that i forsee giving pause to any naturals who don’t want to use it in their hair.  i have zero problem with it though.

so in conclusion, i give the nexxus extreme moisture theratin shampoo & humectin conditioner 3.5 donkins on a 4 donkin scale; i docked half a donkin b/c of the mineral oil.  which again, i dont mind, but due to my conditioning after reading of its horrors, my soul would feel completely free to rejoice were it not in there.

 

remember the donkin, btw? i hereby dub him the official BmcP mascot!

yay donkin!  yay nexxus!!

*note - Stoney Jackson appears courtesy of mesdeuxcents.blogspot.com and an immense lack of anywhere better to be.

cnn’s ‘black in america’

null

i want to begin this entry by giving props for good intentions.  it was really well intended. but.

basically the message i took from it is that if you’re black and living in america, you’re either light skinned and the member of a family of generations of college graduates, or you’re a dirt poor single parent with hypertention, diabeetus, and potentially HIV.

my biggest issue, first and foremost, was that motherfucking kangol wearing spoken word dude.  WHAT THE DAMN HELL.  WHY MUST SPOKEN WORD BE PRESENT IN EVERY EXHIBITION OF BLACKNESS.  like, is this the new alternative to gun-toting dope-slangin gangbanger imagery that we’re trying to shake?  you can’t do that with nothin but a wack ass poem?  really?  GO AWAY.  GO TO HELL AND GO AWAY.  IN THAT ORDER.

second to that, i found the lack of explanation of all the problems that black people have disturbing.  like how can you discuss the wuthering differences in the educations that blacks receive vs. whites without saying two words about brown vs. the board of education?  the only way that link could be more direct is if it had a neon sign on its head, blinking ‘OH SHIT! THIS IS WHY RON-RON CAN’ T READ, YALL!’  and the dude raising his two kids alone who was being put out of his apartment?  it was explained that they were living in poverty, and that there are countless numbers of other black ppl living in poverty as well.  so im like okay…. why is he living in poverty?  just b/c he’s black?  lol is this encoded in our genes or something?  am i not black because i am not impoverished, but rather balling out of control, poppin bottles and collars with each step i take through life?  you know what i mean?  now, i have a good idea of why they’re impoverished, because as a black person, i know how it is.  but to the unblack people out there watching.. i sat and wondered at the ponderances that the lack of explaining allowed for.  my boss, sitting in his million dollar home outside of the city limits, could see a man unable to feed his children and think, ‘oh, he’s not trying hard enough,’ or ‘he’s probably on drugs, living on welfare’ or somethin like that.  there was no context or history given to a lot of the problems.  let ‘black in america’ tell it, black people have hypertension because a slave master licked the cheek of his slaves and put them on boats to the middle passage because they tasted salty enough.

…what in corseted confederate hell?

like.  i dont think its possible to have a discussion on the shit stuck to the bottom of black america’s shoes without talking about slavery (beyond some freak licking his slaves).  that’s what has us in the messes we’re in today.  not totally and completely of course, but you know what i mean.    the huge disparity in wealth, white privilage.  black and white america are still essentially living separately, and the root of all those problems can be traced directly to slavery.

problem is, white people (generally) do not respond well to discussions of slavery at all.  maybe that’s why they left it out.  i mean i assume that that’s largely who this series is created for anyway, and if they want white people to watch it, they can’t scare them away as soon as it starts.  i find that when you bring it up, a lot of white folk are prone to get defensive, and wonder why we just won’t forget it, why not let it go and move on, why are we punishing white people today for the sins of their ancestors.  which, of course, sensible black people do not and will not do.  its not trying to hold current day white people accountable for slavery, its explaining how we *all* got into this mess.  but, trying to get that point across is like trying to squeeze mo’nique in a latex jumper without oiling her up first. 

OH!  oh, and this really rubbed sandpaper on my spleen.. the discussion of black women dating white men?  HA!  so basically there arent any black women who date outside their race just cause they want to.  its because there arent any good black men available.  rotfl.  that’s hogwash, let me tell you, because i know for a fact that there are good black men out there, but im currently taking applications for vanilla cones cause my credit is JACKED and that’s not a good look in this speedballing-to-fucking-hell economy.  not because there aren’t any good black men out there.

i dunno.  i guess it was cool for what it was though.  i find it remarkable that CNN decided to embark on this journey in the first place.  i was actually suspicious.  like ‘wait.. it’s not black history month.  wtf is this about?’

in cnn’s defense,  when trying to tell the story of millions of people, literally, you have to generalize.  i just wish they had done a more inclusive job of it.. it basically just reaffirmed the images that a good portion of white america has of black america.

i cant say whether i’ll be tuning in tonight or not.  if that spoken word bastard is there then that’s a DEFINITE no.  i hate his ass.

intrusive owl-faced cotton ball of the day

source

internet douchebags revealed: mr. cool ice

from wunderkraut.com

so every blog entry or article or photo montage of terrible tattoos that ive ever seen has included this guy. his name (clearly) is mr. cool ice. i saw him again today while scrolling through this slideshow and finally decided to google and find out exactly who this jerkwad is.

apparently there’s a video of him out there, talking abt himself and basically explaining the fuckery that covers his body and entire life, by proxy. cept it was in german. this guy got somebody to translate it though, so if you were as curious as i have been, praise the baby moses, cause here’s your answers, you bastards. quick fact sheet:

-he spent over 6 thousand US dollars on that dumb shit. do you know what i could do with 6 thousand US dollars? i could buy 60,000 pieces of penny candy and fill my room with them and jump and dive and swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck used to do. and that would be money far better spent.

-he’s been going by the name ‘mr. cool ice’ for 13 years. my guess is that he adopted it in the days of Vanilla Ice’s reign and really ran with it. that’s about as smart as me getting ‘HD-DVD’ tatted on my ass. that is not always going to be the hot shit, brother, i regret to inform you.

-he’s german. oddly enough, that kind of explains all this for me.

the best thing about this guy’s existance is that his shit-ass name reminds me of the Cool Dr. Money episode on ‘my brother and me.’ lol remember that show? when dee dee got that wack ass haircut?

if you’re not watching ’so you think you can dance’

you really, REALLY should be.   here’s why.

his name’s will.  he’s 21, supple, and potentially straight.

either way, he belongs hanging in a museum somewhere.

..or handcuffed to my bedpost.  RAWR

confrontational anteater of the day

www.ayemonthen.com

that is an anteater, right?

see also: http://www.qbn.com/topics/551505/

 

thanks, d via don!

o snap! i missed my birthday!

well sort of

well okay, not really.

but, i finally broke 50,000 hits a few days ago and totally didnt even notice.  there would have been punch and pie for my faithful regulars (all two of you) if ida been payin attention.

anyway, here’s to you, my mrs. robinsons.  Brokey loves you more than you could know.

 

pic from icanhascheezburger.com.  duh.

honesty: a social experiment

a self-portrait.

okay.  so this blog isn’t about me, ive said that several times.  or at least ive intended to say that several times.  so, as you read, know that this project is not directly about my devistating beauty, my magnetic personality, or my dazzling wit.  those are only backdrops.

so i have discussions with dudes all the time abt how they just want women to be straight up and honest with them, particularly during the act of hollerin. 

when im approached by someone on the street that im not interested in, and as a general rule, im RARELY interested in someone who would approach me with a street holla, i typically tell them that i have a boyfriend, which i dont, so that’s more or less a baldheaded lie (c) martin.  but to me, it seems to be the easiest option.  this dude is not just going to say ‘okay’ and go away when you say ‘no thank you’ to his dinner invitation to Red Lobster.  and truthfully, i dont have solid faith that ‘i have a boyfriend’ will work everytime, and it doesnt.  but i find that to be a quicker end to the line of questioning that comes with a variation of ‘im not interested.’ 

but still, every dude i talk to SWEARS that that’s what they prefer.  ‘just be straight up with me!  if u not interested, you not interested.’  so i decided ima put that to the test.

a couple of weeks ago i was approached by a young man.  can’t remember what he looked like; just a regular dude.  all that is inconsequential anyway.  so he begins:  how you doin what’s your name you look nice where u headed do u live around here blahdeblah whoopdewhoop.  im cordial, and i respond in kind–mama raised me right & im very sweet by nature (despite what the streets may tell you), so i dont immediately swat ppl away, unless im supremely irritated.  so then we get to maybe i can take u out/can i get your number/some such variation.  my first instinct is to positive-k this young man and go the ‘i got a man’ route (roger rabbit and all) but i steel myself and say:

‘no, thank you.’

now if my survey group was to be correct he would have tipped his fitted and said ‘have a nice day’ and pressed on with his life.  but instead i get:

‘oh, u got a man?’

no.

‘what’s the problem with two grown folks steppin out then?’

there isn’t a problem; im just not particularly interested.

‘what, u like girls?’

…

NIGGA

I LIKE DUDES, I JUST DONT LIKE YOU.

and this is what happens more often than not!!  the direct approach, if the answer is negative, is unsatisfying.  9 times out of 10.. well, 3 times out of 4, i guess, cause ive only done this and noted the response abt 4 times.. and one time, only once did the young man say ‘alright, have a nice day’ once i politely declined.  3 times out of 4, the gentleman searches endlessly for an explanation.  ‘im not interested’ isnt enough.  but i guess maybe im just not pushing the honesty thing far enough.. maybe im posed to give a reason as to why im uninterested.  what if i aint interested because the dude is unattractive?  am i supposed to say that, in the name of being ’straight up?’  id get cussed out.  not a doubt in my mind.  aint no dude gon walk away appreciative of being told that he’s ugly.

of course ‘i got a man’ isnt 100% solid and reliable.  typically the response to this is:  ‘oh, u can’t have friends?’  ggggrrrr–guys, DONT SAY THAT SHIT.  dont.  cause YOU’RE not being straightforward when you say that shit.  aint nobody that just tried to get to know your romantic side 2 seconds ago interested in being some broad’s ‘friend,’ and you know it.  you just tryna be dick-in-a-glass, on standby for emergencies, or a fly hidin in a corner waitin til the flyswatter is out so u can swoop in on that peach cobbler and get to nommin’. 

these are only my findings so far.  i know three dudes cant set the norm for millions, so im gonna keep tryin this out.

speaking of positive k, tho, i wonder what he’s doin right now?  prolly out invitin bitches to Red Lobster.  i wonder if he gets indignant when they tell him they got a man?

did u just tell me u got a man? really?  did u really just say that to me? BITCH AINT YOU NEVER HEARD MY SONG??!

 

pic sources:  1 | 2